I’m super lost you guys. I think somehow I’m simultaneously the withdrawer and the pursuer? Sex does nothing for me physically, like literally I feel nothing which makes going through the movements really hard because I have no biofeedback to direct me. I have also done a lot of work on my self (still working on many things) and have vowed to stop faking orgasms which I started 10 years ago when I met my now husband and never turned back from.
However, I use to still be really performative during that time. I would never lie and tell him I orgasmed, but I still acted really enthusiastic and moaned and you know, generally put on a sexy, fun show. I did all the things, knew all the party tricks that the fun and sexy girls did and I was game to do anything sexually. I was scared by a cosmo magazine article that said if you want him to find you hot, skip the foreplay and jump right in (in case you are curious, it’s still available online, its from 2009). Anyway, of course I did just that because I also had a complex from childhood where I had learned that it was an extremely negative trait to be a human with needs and only narcissists have needs and I should aim be selfless and needless. I was terrified of being that girl who, \*male eye roll\* needed or wanted foreplay so instead, I was the cool girl who just wanted to jump right into PIV!
Fast forward to the present. He says I’m boring in bed and I don’t really seem into it. I mean he’s right, I’m not into it, I get nothing out of it but I still want to have sex. I did try not having sex for a while to see if I could approach it more authentically but then it just brought up a bunch of marriage issues because we never had sex anymore and he was really sad about that. Before this time, I use to at least feel really connected to him emotionally during sex but after that time, I think I was just initiating out of spite and duty and didn’t want to feel close to him. I hate that I resent him, I don’t want that. I do love him, we have a great relationship otherwise.
I know he wants to pleasure me but it always ends badly and I end up disappointing him because it never actually leads to orgasm for me and who has time for an hour + of foreplay every day when we both have jobs and 3 small children together. We use to fight a lot about my lack of orgasm or his lack of trying so we decided to stop talking about it. I don’t attempt to get any physical pleasure out of sex anymore. He has expressed that I’m very high maintenance with touch and I feel a lot of shame over that because touch is my primary love language. When I stopped trying to get any needs met through sex because it was exhausting him and causing fights, I started asking for more non sexual physical contact outside the bedroom which was not his jam. Me asking (I never ever threw a fit or pushed his no), was putting too much pressure on him so I have released him from all obligation to do so in and out of the bedroom.
We have intercourse 3-4x week and almost every day that we don’t do that, I give him a blowjob or handy and I’m very intentional lovey about those, then we go to sleep. Thats the routine. He’s been bugging me a lot about me not seeming very enthused about the intercourse and tbh, I’m struggling. It doesn’t feel good, it kind of hurts. I use a ton of lube but my body is just saying no and I keep telling it to suck the fuck up and do it anyway. How can get more into it and remember what having sex is suppose to look like and how/when to incorporate a few subtle moans so that I don’t ruin his experience but not completely compromise my integrity? I have worked so hard to not be performative anymore but now i’m boring in bed, fuck I feel like I can’t catch a win.
Note: yes I realize that in a perfect world I wouldn’t be having sex if I wasn’t into it but sex isn’t good for me. I tried for a whole decade and been to hours and hours of therapy and pleasurable sex just not gonna happen for me. I have given up on that being in the cards for me because trying and failing and the stress it was putting on my marriage was not worth a stupid orgasm that was not going to show itself anyway. Just because I can’t have a good experience during sex does not mean I am going to rob him of that marital joy.
All advice really appreciated, thank you in advance. I know this is a complicated subject.
7 comments
Congrats on being a cool girl! Now you stuck in a marriage with 3 kids where the guys expects your performance on his demand, and your in needs isn’t something he’s used to caring about since you were changing to satisfy him at all times and not getting much out of it. Turns out, too can’t turn your needs off completely because you’re a human, but you’re asking Reddit how to do you won’t ruin your husbands gravy train and your marriage. You tried so hard to turn them off that it turned you off sex completely. Answer would be: not possible, sorry.
I think this is way above reddit’s pay grade. Couples therapy at minimum, I’d think?
This is a situation way above the collective knowledge of internet strangers. Couples therapy would probably be a helpful place to start, this seems like something you both need to work on together with the help of someone who actually knows what thier doing.
I do want to mention though that if an hour+ of foreplay is what you need to have a good time it’s what you should be getting. There are days my wife needs a lot of warm up, close to an hour kind of warm up. Sometimes she needs that hour of warm up and her orgasm sneaks up on her and she finishes before ive gotten anything. That’s completely fine because sex isn’t just for me it’s for her too and besides it’s not like we can’t have sex later.
Couples therapy is needed. Both of you may need to change your view of sex. He may have other stresses that he uses sex to get relief from or many other life factors. I don’t know your medical history, but there could be many things that effect your libido and/or lack of stimulus. So yea couples therapy to get some perspective and conflict resolution. There are sex therapists who would be more suited to these topics.
I agree with others that you guys need couples therapy, ideally from someone who’s a sex therapist.
But what I’m hearing here is that your husband expects you to meet all of his sexual needs — sex or a blowjob every day, with almost no foreplay to warm you up — but can’t be bothered to meet your need for intimate, nonsexual touch. He calls *you* “high maintenance,” but he’s the one who’s demanding sex every day from his unaroused wife. He somehow doesn’t seem aware that he too is very high maintenance. And instead of appreciating what you are giving him, all he does is criticize you for being “boring.”
That doesn’t seem fair or balanced to me. I hope that if you do therapy together, you can get across to him that there’s a huge imbalance here and he needs to step up to meet your needs too.
I’m wondering whether you are able to orgasm by yourself, or whether your lack of pleasure extends to your solo sex life as well. I’m also wondering whether you have tried incorporating toys (e.g., vibrators) in your sex life, and whether that might help.
I definitely hear a strong note of sadness, resignation, and frustration in your words, and I’m sending you hug vibes over the internet. This is not an easy situation to be in. You’re coping with it remarkably well and I can hear that you’re trying so hard. I hope you can take some time out for yourself this week and just focus on things that make *you* feel good, because I’m not hearing that you’re necessarily taking care of your own needs the way you take care of other people’s.
You deserve care, pleasure, love, nurturing, and joy. I hope you can those things somewhere in your life.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
That’s quite a story, and you wrote it well (and when I say “story”, I’m not implying it’s fiction!)
It sounds to me like you’re orgasm-resistant. I don’t know if that’s thing or not, but it should be. I’d guess it’s more psychological than physical, but I’m a clueless Reddit contributor, so several grains of salt should be added. You did say that you learned as child that pleasure was a bad thing, and one should avoid it at all costs. This sounds like an interesting story. I’m suspecting it’s tied to religious indoctrination somehow (but again, I’m clueless). I’m not too impressed with man’s religious embellishments; I think “do unto others” covers a LOT of ground. That’s what our Creator wants, and you deserve to be done unto, too. Women wouldn’t come unless God wanted it that way.
You’ve never reached climax with a partner? Oral doesn’t work, either? You said your body feels numb . . . do you really mean that? Novocaine numb? Or do you mean that you’re not getting any hint of a tickle, no build-up, no excitement?
I understand your motivation for having been an enthusiastic partner, despite the fact that your enthusiasm was largely feigned. I don’t really approve, but I understand. And now that you’re not putting on the show, he’s disappointed. I assume he knows that you’re not climaxing, not now, not ever. Hmmm. I’d think he’d be motivated to put some extra effort into it (probably oral or toys or something), but I guess not.
Nonetheless, you say you’re a willing, compliant partner. If you’re okay with that, good. Me, I think I’d feel guilty for using you too often. I suppose I’d inconvenience you once a month, maybe twice, but I think **I’D** start having narcissistic/selfish feelings. Long-term, I could see you getting tired of the routine.
You should find someone who can “help” you, although I don’t know what help might entail. The therapy you’ve tried in the past didn’t work, but I wouldn’t abandon hope. **Someone** might know a better way. Hypnosis? Orgasm conditioning? I don’t think mere “discussion” would get you anywhere (but I might be wrong). Maybe the experts know more about their business than I do.
You should try to be completely honest with him about this. This might not be easy, but you say you have a great relationship otherwise, so I’m hoping he’d accept the truth, and that he’d be willing to participate, as needed, in your rehabilitation. “Rehabilitation”, that just sounds so bizarre.
>Sex does nothing for me physically, like literally I feel nothing which makes going through the movements really hard because I have no biofeedback to direct me.
Can you be more specific? I’m assuming you’re talking about your genitals, do you actually not feel anything (not even pressure) or do you just not feel pleasure?
Also, I’m assuming you get aroused, can you orgasm from masturbating?