TLDR: Drained. Exhausted. But still feeling like it’s my fault? That I should be doing better,?
Hi everyone,
I’m feeling lost and drained in my relationship, and I could really use some advice. My partner and I have been together for 8 years now, and while I love her deeply, I feel like our relationship has become more of a burden than a joy.
Here are some of the issues I’ve been struggling with:
– I’m exhausted all the time, both physically and emotionally. I find myself thinking about our relationship constantly, and it’s taking a toll on me. My work is suffering from it. I don’t see my family that much anymore. Same for my friends.
– I feel like I have no time for myself, and that I’m always doing things for my partner. I’ve become more of a caretaker than a partner, and it’s leaving me feeling resentful.
– My partner doesn’t seem to realize how much she brings me down with her negativity and constant need for reassurance. I feel like I’m constantly tiptoeing around her to avoid setting off her hypochondria or triggering her insecurities.
– Wins for me are often diminished. For instance: I once received a compliment from some friends, saying I have a great rapping voice. I told her that because it made me feel proud and happy, and without skipping a beat she said “haha absolutely not”. That hurt me so deeply that I still think about it years later and don’t try to rap anymore.
– I always feel guilty for setting boundaries; she makes me feel guilty a lot
– Our sex life has been lacking for a long time now, and I don’t know how to address it anymore without hurting her feelings. (We’re working on it in therapy – last session was about sex exclusively, initiated by me. Surprise, she got sick this weekend! So I had to take care of her, and we couldn’t do the “homework” we got from the therapist. Convenient… 🙁)
– We’ve been in relationship therapy for a few weeks now, but I don’t feel like we’re making any progress. The relationship feels like a chore, and I’m not sure if I can keep going like this.
– She can’t handle criticism well, although it’s improving slowly
– She’s very negative, a lot of the time, about herself but sometimes also about me; her negativity and low self-esteem is affecting my mood as well
– I think that I was a LOT happier before I met her
– We’re in a cycle of it going pretty well, then going bad, then a bit more good, then bad again, etc
– She’s really picky, for instance on what to eat in the evening, or where we go on vacation (it has to be perfect, which means it’s often expensive, and while she offers to pay half of it, she can’t afford it and didn’t pay me off yet, always stops paying after a month or two)
– I feel like I’m sacrificing so much in my life for her, while I don’t feel like she does for me (not that I need her to sacrifice a lot – I’m not picky or demanding)
– Overall, I feel like I’m giving way more than I’m getting from this relationship. I love my partner, but I’m starting to wonder if we’re just not compatible in the long run.
We tried living together last year. That didn’t work out, I needed space, I went crazy. But now, she’s at my house 5/7 days a week, so what really changed?
I would really appreciate any advice or insights from those who have been in similar situations. Thank you for listening.
**I want to reply to your comments, so PLEASE ASK ME for more details.** It’s been really hard to write this post, as I’m doubting myself every step of the way, thinking that I’m overreacting. I know I missed so many things. My brain is a mess
8 comments
Honestly, more details are unnecessary. This is clearly not the right situation for you and you should make the leap and end the relationship. It won’t be fun to cut the cord but you will be so much lighter and happier when you’re out of this.
**This is not how you want to feel for the rest of your life.** When you panic that you’re overreacting by wanting to leave, just think about how shitty you *feel.* This is not how it feels to be in a good relationship, and you’ve been feeling this way for a long time.
You do not have to argue with her about it. You do not need her to agree with you. You’re in therapy, she knows things aren’t perfect, don’t let her talk you out of ending it.
Been there. Give her your feedback – or show her this post – and then exit.
You don’t love her deeply! That is the first reality that you must face. The relationship is over and paying a therapist is a waste of time and money because GF is not participating. Being sick to avoid therapy exercises is childish nonsense. You’ve already wasted 8 years on this train wreck, get your big boy’s pants on and do what needs to be done. Move on! My comments are intended to motivate, not hurt. Sorry for the hurt. Happiness will return and will be better than ever once you face reality. Best wishes.
Sounds like this is hardly a relationship at all, if its not working for either of you time to move on. Relationships don’t work this way.
You both should be interested in each other and want to do things together (in bed and not). If its not working for you then you should move on, it sounds like it has not been good for you in awhile (years)
A good/healthy relationship doesn’t feel that way. And you should not feel guilty about ending things with her.
If you’re willing to break up, you might as well try not walking on eggshells. I don’t mean being mean, but rather being thoughtfully direct, and open, and candid.
If she says something that hurt you, tell her.
If there’s something on your mind you would like to have addressed, say so.
If you need some space when she’s in a bad mood, articulate that.
Just be kind about setting boundaries, and you’ll both probably feel better.
You’re clearly not happy with her. If they do not improve your life, then why are you with them?
You need to end it.
I don’t need more details. I think you need to end the relationship. She has a lot of issues and is in no place to be with anyone right now. You need to live life for you and be happy.
Break up, and if she has keys, have your locks changed.
Speaking as a sucking black hole of need not unlike your girlfriend, she knows damn well she’s expecting too much, and you need to run far away. Sure, she can come up with a ton of excuses in an attempt to convince herself as much as she’s trying to convince you, but she knows she’s way out of line. The thing she’s actually missing is the will to change because she doesn’t care enough about either of you to do much as try to change. It’s just easier to shovel everything onto you, because she knows you’ll take it.
I finally did come around to the idea that I need to show that I care instead of cause even more pain to my boyfriend by crying to him about how much I feel bad that it appears to all the world that I don’t care. This happened after the third or fourth time I tried to leave him for his own sake, but couldn’t stay away due to having no willpower. That’s right, I only started trying to be better because it was too uncomfortable for me to keep being terrible.
I now make a concerted effort to be more positive, aware of my partners wants and needs… On my best day I am still a god awful partner, but I’m no longer an abject monster… Most of the time.
Some people have a much higher tolerance for self-loathing and self-deception. Your girlfriends absurd demands for expensive vacations in the midst of actively making your life miserable doesn’t give me a lot of hope for her ever even trying to turn this thing around.