This morning I received a text from a very close friend of mine, basically saying she thinks my husband and I should seek marriage counseling. We had recently been on vacation with her and her husband and she said he had said some relatively alarming things to her about me. For example me laughing at someone else’s jokes sends him into a jealous rage because I don’t always laugh at his jokes like that. When she said that so many things clicked for me. Why he always blew up at me after us spending a night out with friends accusing me of making too much eye contact ect screaming at me about it then the silent treatment the next day. She mentioned to me she noticed his behavior in the beginning, but she thinks it’s gotten worse and she’s worried about me. She says he can be two different people, sometimes he’s easy going nice and fun to be around. Other times it’s the opposite. Lately he’s been more opposite, his lifelong friend has told him the way he speaks to me when he’s angry isn’t right. He’ll go back to normal for awhile then his mood swings come back and he’s easily triggered. Is this something that marriage counseling can fix? His father was abusive growing up and I worry history might be repeating itself.
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I would not suggest marriage counseling but individual counseling would be a good start imo. You might want to look into what verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse looks like. Look up what DARVO and gaslighting looks like too just to be sure those are or are not patterns in your relationship. I’ve been in my relationship for over 20 years and never knew about this stuff until this last year. So much of my relationship makes sense now that I have been educated on these behavior patterns. A book that really helped me is called why does he do that by Lundy Bandcroft. There is a free online copy of it, the link is in the resource library of this sub. A podcast helped me get started creating healthy boundaries in my life is called beyond bitchy mastering the art of boundaries. Dr Ramani on YouTube is a great resource too. Your feelings are valid and I would listen to your friends. At least be open to learning about these things. You can take it or leave it. Good luck
It sounds like you have some good friends.
The picture you paint of your husband is not flattering. There is no world where your husband screaming at you is OK.
While marriage counselling might not be a bad idea, what your husband needs is individual counselling to help him figure out how to manage his emotions.
If your husband knows that his behavior isn’t OK, and he is willing to work on it, counseling might be helpful. There is no magic fix though, and it’s ultimately up to your husband to change his behavior.
I don’t want to just throw out the divorce word here, but let me say that my wife would absolutely not stuck around if I regularly screamed at her in jealousy, and I likewise would not tolerate being treated that way by her. Being married should be about being caring for eachother, not about having a verbal punching bag around all the time.
Marriage counselling is for when y’all can’t get along or agree on anything or meet eachothers basic needs but still think you should be together for some arcane reason.
Personal counselling is for when one of the two parties is being a total dink for stupid reasons.
Which one do you suppose is relevant?
Never attend marriage counseling with an abuser. You should seek help for yourself for sure.
Verbal abuse is abuse. It’s also a form of violence.
I don’t know if you knew this, but it’s not normal for your spouse to get mad about those things and definitely NOT ok or normal for them to scream at you. You might be used to it or maybe you didn’t know any better, but now you do. You are a victim.
Those people are GOOD friends. Keep them around and listen to them. They are good people to have around, cherish them.
It sounds like *he* needs to see a therapist. Alone. To work on his issues.