This may seem like a silly question. I (28f) live with my bf (29m). We’ve been dating for 8 years. My family lives far away. I moved to this city for him (staying here, I love it here). His family is here.
We have had a very rocky relationship and I think I’ve FINALLY come to the conclusion that breaking up is for the best. He doesn’t have a job (on disability). So he doesn’t pay rent. I do. I’m the only one on the lease. Do I make him move out right away? His mother lives around 30 mins outside of town. Do I make him move back with his mom right away?
We’ve broken up / in the past over Covid and I let him stay with me until he figures things out and it resulted in us getting back together. However, few years later we still have all the same problems. I don’t want that to happen again. The thing is He won’t move in with his mom. She lives a very “hoarder” style living and he can’t do that. He doesn’t have the money to move out. Do I let him stay until he finds a roommate somewhere?
Although I resent him for a lot of things he’s done and said to me, I still care for him (for whatever reasons that may be). He will have nothing without me and I don’t know how to be okay with that.
Tl;dr I feel like I need to break up with my LT bf but I don’t know how to start or what the “rules” are.
7 comments
You say, “this isn’t working out anymore and we’re breaking up. It would be best if you moved back home with your parents. I need you out by the end of the month”
Generally, one gives somebody 30 days notice to move out. It’s considered a reasonable amount of time for them to make arrangements and get moved out.
> Do I let him stay until he finds a roommate somewhere?
No, have him go to his mother’s place. If it’s that awful there, it will serve as motivation for him to figure out his life for himself and take steps.
I think anything less than 2 months notice to move out is not cool. 3 months if you’re being generous, but 2 months is enough for any motivated person to make the necessary arrangements, be that finding a new place for rent, or moving their stuff to storage or to their mom’s house. You could ASK him to leave sooner than that, but ALLOW up to 2 months for him to be gone, along with all his stuff.
But look up the laws for your area, if he’s considered a tenant, what is considered proper and legal eviction notice, at what point you can legally dispose of any belongings he’s left behind, etc.
Legally the rules are that if he’s on the lease you can’t just kick him out. Even if he’s not in some places a person who has lived there a while might have squatters rights. So you might be required to give them warning and time to move.
If your lease is up soon and you aren’t in love with your current place you best option would be to tell him you aren’t intending to renew so he also will have to start looking.
As for the talk “I moved here to be with you but even after giving it a second chance things aren’t working out. I’m ending it”.
You can add what you like or talk about logistics but remember “I’m ending this”.
Are you in the US?
It would be kind of you to help him get on a wait list for subsidized housing for the disabled, so when he has to move back in with his mom, he has a plan and can see it won’t be indefinite. He also is likely to qualify for food stamps and other benefits, which you could assist with or at least mention. Your state should have a disability advocate agency and their website will be a good resource.
This of course is not required of you, but it is in your interest to make it as doable for him to move out as it can be to save yourself some trouble when move out time rolls around.
So either help him get some ducks in a row or don’t, but either way break up and give him 30 days or whatever as the others are suggesting.
Review your lease. Search for local attorneys in your area for free consultation (specialize in evictions). The consultation could give you insight into applicable laws regarding proper notice. Or search applicable judicial website for notice requirements.
Take pictures of everything in your apartment before the conversation, file personal records, get caught up on shredding (if applicable) and store sentimental items. My thoughts are 30 days notice (pending local refs) is sufficient and see if he asks for more time then negotiate from there.
What is is he temperament when upset? You may want to have a friend or family member with you for supper. For the actual conversation, I suggest keeping it “simple” by stating along the lines that you believe it would be best to go your separate ways. My ex wanted an explanation beyond that and I refused; no need for drama and back/forget. Just make sure that this break up is what you really want to do.
Good luck