Hey everyone, I’m hoping to gain some perspective and advice on an unusual situation.
Over the course of time, many of my close friends have moved away from our city including all of my girl friends, and the friends who remain are all guys who are busy with work/school or are people who I love but wouldn’t necessarily spend a lot of 1:1 time with. I’m an extreme extrovert and very much miss the camaraderie of the full friend group from college, and make every effort possible to get together with my friends, but I do get lonely and spend a lot of social time on my own (I go to my favorite local bar 1-2 times a week), as my boyfriend “Dan” is an introvert and doesn’t like going out much. Conversely, while Dan has lost friends to moves, many of his buddies still live in the area and we see them fairly frequently, which is great because they’re always so much fun and I really do love them a lot. This is all to say that I’m desperate for local friendship and connections beyond my strapped-for-time friends, fellow bar regulars, and Dan’s friends.
As we still live in our college town, we’ve gone to his friend Peter’s family’s tailgate since we started dating. Everyone brings whoever they want, it’s a great mix of people, and it’s always a blast. This past year at one of the tailgates I was introduced to someone Peter’s mom knows, Mike (30M). We immediately clicked and have seen each other at tailgates and have gone out a few times for drinks. I actually feel as though I’m developing a friendship connection I’ve been missing for a while, but Dan seems to not be as happy for me as I’d expect. He says he doesn’t like Mike, despite the fact Mike apparently also had a few classes with my boyfriend in college and as far as I’m aware they got along decently enough. He’s mentioned once or twice that he didn’t like the way Mike looked at me when we first met. I think this is ridiculous, as Mike has never been anything other than friendly and kind to me or to Dan. I’m very aware of how I’m perceived by interested men, and he’s never given me that vibe at all.
Now most of you are going to tell me that Dan’s jealous, but for full context, Dan and I’ve been dating for four years and have been in a happy, healthy open ENM relationship for two. I see other people, he sees other people, there isn’t a hint of jealousy or negative feelings about our arrangement. Very few people outside our relationship know and we prefer to keep it that way- we don’t sleep with friends, exes, or coworkers, nor do we go out on local dates with the people we see. Dan has no problems with me spending time with my male friends alone nor has he ever had problems with it, including one friend I hooked up with in college who I’m still great friends with today. We’ve even discussed bringing someone else into the relationship romantically. Jealousy/possessiveness/fear of losing me is not the problem, but he’s unable to articulate anything beyond “I just don’t like the guy”.
The Mike issue came up again this weekend and I’m afraid it’s grating on my last nerve. Dan and I were talking about an upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade. We were originally going with his friend and his wife, but they had to back out at the last minute, none of my guy friends are able to make it or are performing in the parade, and we’re waiting to hear back from my best friend and her boyfriend about staying the weekend with us but it’s sounding unlikely. Dan mentioned that he didn’t really want to go if my bff didn’t end up joining us, and I said it was fine and listed off a few possible people I could tag along with, mainly other bar regulars and Mike. As soon as I mentioned Mike, Dan immediately changed his tune and said he’d go with me if it was important to me, and that he didn’t want me alone with Mike. I asked about it and we got into a whole new round of “why not/I don’t like him/why not/I don’t like how he looks at you/I’m friends with him and he’s a nice guy, why don’t you like him/I just don’t”. At this point I dropped it, but Dan’s resistance to my friendship with this one particular person is odd. I’ve stressed to him that I’m not interested in anything with Mike, and honestly I don’t believe Mike is interested in me either, but he won’t budge and I’m worried that bringing it up again will seem suspicious. Mike kindly picked up my ticket for an afterparty at the bar so I’ll definitely be seeing him then, and I’m worried about Dan’s reaction to “handing me off” afterwards, as he’s definitely not going to the party. If anyone has any advice or thoughts, or a different way to approach this conversation, that would be really helpful.
Tl;dr. Lonely gf makes new friend but bf doesn’t like new friend for very nebulous reasons that aren’t really reasons at all and have nothing to do with the friend being a man.
5 comments
Dan *has* given you his reason — he knows Mike and is getting a vibe that he’s interested in you romantically. Maybe there’s some more to it that he’s not saying or can’t articulate — like that he feels jealous that you and Mike clicked so amazingly and seem like a better match than you and Dan. Even people in ENM relationships are not immune to the basic human (and sometimes helpful) emotion of jealousy. Maybe Dan doesn’t feel he can say more, because you’ve both signed the Jealousy Is Evil And Must Never Be Spoken About And Must Always Be Shamed covenant.
I think the better question is why you think Dan needs to lay out an airtight case before you’ll simply accept that Dan doesn’t like this. You’ve been together for 4 years and he’s proven that he’s usually not jealous and usually you have oodles of freedom to be with whoever. So maybe once in a blue moon, he should be allowed to “just not like” some guy you’re hanging out with? Since this is such an infrequent problem, maybe once in a while you should each be able to veto a new friend, without needing to give a lengthy explanation? After all, you’re still each other’s priority, right? Shouldn’t your brand new really-just-a-friend Mike be extremely low priority for you? Couldn’t Mike be easily replaced with hanging out with your bar friends more or spending time finding new friends?
Q. In your ENM, is there a primary person?
It sounds like so far your ENM relationship has mostly been dates and sex with others rather than long term meaningful extra relationships. Maybe the way you and Mike clicked on a emotional/conversational level is making your bf feel insecure or threatened – it sounds like this might be the first time a potential “boyfriend” type possibility has connected with you? Even if you aren’t interested and neither is he, that isn’t really something your bf can know. In fact neither of you can know what Mikes thinking.
do you want the whole world to yourself? like you’re in a happy open ENM relationship and you cant trust your partner to be the best suited at judging whether someone is no good for your relationship? you’re not lonely jesus respect your boyfriend
“Ethical non monogamy” stops being ethical when you ignore your partner’s feelings.