I want to start this out by saying that I love my boyfriend very much and want a future with him. We’ve been dating a year and a half and have recently been talking about marriage. The only thing keeping me from 100% committing to marrying him is his family. For context, he has a very large family with 9 siblings and over 20 nieces and nephews. I on the hand am an only child of a single mother. Since i first met his family they didn’t seem to like me. They never did anything overtly rude at first but never tried to get to know me or talk to me. When i talked to them they always shut down the conversation very quickly. At first i thought that that was just their personalities but then i realized i was the only person they ever did that with. After a few months they started doing more obviously rude things/ doing things to exclude me that i won’t get into right now. I’ve never been able to figure out why they do this because i’ve never done anything rude to them and have bought all of them and their children gifts for holidays and birthdays.
For the second half of this post i want to clarify that i am in no way judging anyone and i understand that every person/family has their own issues and aren’t perfect.
The only word i can use to describe his family is chaotic.
It seems like every day something is happening. His siblings have all had quite a few arrests or issues with the law in general. Almost weekly someone is arrested or has court. That itself isn’t a problem for me. The problem comes in when it begins to impact our life. Our plans routinely get canceled because someone’s been arrested and needs money or someone to watch their kids. We are constantly babysitting for his family which is fine but his siblings will come home hours after expected or sometimes just come home the next day, leaving us stuck with their kids. His brother is always getting evicted and has to come and stay with us. And his sister is always needing to borrow large amounts of money from him or his parents.
I understand that family comes first but he will do whatever they ask of him. It’s getting to the point where most of his free time is spent taking care of his siblings or their kids. He also never defends me when his family is
rude or excludes me from things. I love him and want to be with him but i can’t imagine my life forever revolving around his family.
I don’t know what to do at this point
TLDR; his family is very “chaotic” and he spends most of his free time and money fixing their problems or watching their children. I love him and want to marry him but i can’t imagine my family revolving around them
29 comments
The problem isn’t his family. The problem is him. He is choosing to have you be around people who treat you badly, and he is okay with that. He is choosing to let his family impact his life and yours. This is who he is and the choices he makes.
Why are you tolerating him allowing his family to treat you like shit?
It sounds to me like his family like you just fine when they need gifts, bail, housing, or free babysitting. In the end, your bf is clearly on the side of his family, not yours — and they’re a package deal. You can’t have him without them. And if you want him, he’s made it clear that you have to suck it up and deal with the rudeness and unreasonable demands, because _he_ won’t intervene for you (it doesn’t sound like he thinks there’s anything to intervene _for_, anyway).
The problem isn’t your boyfriend’s family. The problem is your boyfriend. And yes, if he defers to them in all things and listens to everything they say, and dismisses you, then that is a problem that will only get worse. And I’d think twice about hitching your wagon to his star because his star is controlled by his family.
Your boyfriend’s family sounds trashy. There is no nice way to say it. I have been around families like this- always seeking weird drama (there is always “something” happening), tone-deaf to social cues, wary of “outsiders” to the point where they shut them out of conversations even in social settings. No social grace or self-awareness at all.
it doesn’t get better.
When you marry someone you are not just marrying that someone- you are marrying into their family. Consider this as you consider your decisions moving forward
> I understand that family comes first but he will do whatever they ask of him.
Does it? For people’s own mental health health, everyone should take care of themselves first. There’s a reason on planes they tell parents to put their own mask on before helping kids. If you wear yourself out, you suffer.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a pretty toxic family life. It seems like there’s a history of them taking advantage of him. Perhaps the hostility you experience is overt because they sense that you don’t want to be an enabler.
Right now, your bf is a punching bag. Possibly suffering from a lifetime of mental and emotional neglect or even abuse. Talk to him about this. You *both* need boundaries from them. This doesn’t mean cutting them off, but starting to say “no” to babysitting. If he has a hard time saying no, then he needs to get comfortable giving excuses to get some separation. Perhaps even moving to another part of town could be a good reasoning too.
He needs to get a handle on this or both of you will suffer. Be open and honest about what you see as the problems and offer to navigate this hard road with him.
I only wish I could go back in time and tell my 24 year-old self not to waste 7 years of my life on a man with a dramatic, high-maintenance family and who also never had my back with them.
Also,
> Almost weekly someone is arrested or has court. That itself isn’t a problem for me.
Please think long and hard about marrying into a family of criminals to a man who prioritizes them over you. This is unlikely to ever change.
I agree, you don’t have a future with this guy. Sooner or later you are going to call it quits because you aren’t getting your needs met in this relationship. He treats you like a convenience, not a priority. He uses your labor without thanks and devalues your feelings. If you knew it was going to be like this when you first started dating, he wouldn’t have been given a second date.
Don’t get pregnant. Don’t get married. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. You aren’t family, you don’t need to do family chores. Start looking for a new place to live. Every day you spend in this situation is a day you’ll regret later on.
He’s pouring everything into his family and he will NEVER have enough left over for you.
You should be walking. His family doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect you.
You shouldn’t consider marriage to a guy that is his family’s piggy bank.
So his trashy family uses you and your boyfriend but are still rude to you? If you get married, you are your boyfriend’s family. You need to come first. Boundaries are your best friend. Boundaries for you boyfriend and his family really.
My two cents: don’t marry someone unable to stand up to their family because least you two decide to go no contact they are going to be a constant presence in your life.
They probably resent you because they fear you will take away their problem solver.
It sounds like your boyfriend is the “responsible one” in the middle of a ton of dysfunctional chaos. His family probably is worried that you’re going to turn off the money tap/close the drop in center that is your home/limit the free, open-ended babysitting (because they know they are out of line) and are icing you out in order to try to run you off.
Unfortunately, people who don’t have proper boundaries with their horrible families rarely create them. If they ever do get sick of being taken advantage of, it’s a long, painful process of “two steps forward and one step back.”
It’s understandable if you don’t want to hitch your wagon to this runaway train.
My family is a bit similar to your boyfriend’s family (around 20% less chaotic and less people) so maybe I can provide a different perspective.
It depends on a couple things. Is there any way you can create space between you two and the family? Set up clear boundaries of when you’ll be available to watch their kids and how much money you’re willing to loan out?
It would also depend on how much of the Koo laid he’s drinking. Does he think his family is totally normal? Is he ever embarrassed or does he ever apologize to you for their actions? If so, he could be trying to maintain peace the best he can. If he doesn’t think their behavior is an issue, it’s not likely to ever get better.
But if you really love him and want a life with him, I think laying down all the details like you’ve done for us is the best thing you can do. After that, it’ll be on him.
For clarity, I was the oldest in a family similar to his. I knew we were dysfunctional since I was a kid, but I also knew cooperating with their nonsense was the only way I wouldn’t be cutoff and abandoned. If I ever said no, I would essentially be shunned for 1-4 weeks, depending on when they needed me again.
It took me a long time to realize having a family like that (mine were also manipulative and hateful, not sure about your boyfriend’s) is worse than having none at all.
Well you know what you’re signing up for: disrespect of you, your time and a whole lot of drama.
If he’s worth it, then go for it but don’t expect him to stand up for you, for his family to include you or show any appreciation. They’re not going to become new people once you say I do. Accept it or move on.
Chaotic is a kind term for trashy in this case.
They treat you poorly. They are continually having trouble with the law. They dump their children on you. The bonus is that they are a financial burden.
This isn’t a family to marry into. Run!
Sounds like you are settling.
I’m exhausted just listening about this family! You don’t need all that drama in your life!
Your bf may be a nice guy but he’s letting you down in every way that matters. From the very first time his family mistreated you, he should have stood up for you and had your back.
If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t let anyone, especially his own family, treat you like this.
If you continue your relationship and actually marry him (first off, can you imagine the chaotic wedding???), you will always come second to his family, always!
This is them. And more importantly? This is him. They are chaotic, enmeshed and codependent and it’s unlikely that all 9 of them will be healed in your lifetime. You can’t change them. What you can do is reflect healthier boundaries to your boyfriend and suggest he consider going to therapy.
Anything that annoys you now will be 10x more annoying once you’re married.
Seems like there’s not much room for you two to thrive together :/ you should communicate that you’re thinking you don’t have a promising future with him. Might wake him up that he could lose an important person, or you get your answer that his family will always be more important that you.
So…fast-forward a few years…you’re married to this guy, living in a crappy apartment with his brother sleeping full-time on your couch, can’t afford reliable transportation or a housing upgrade because a big chunk of your joint resources always go to bailing out his family, who still exclude and treat you like crap. Sound appealing? A few more years down the line, you’ve produced a couple new family members, who become teenagers, and you wonder why your offspring with this man won’t stay in school and you’ve had to bail them out of jail repeatedly and attend multiple court hearings for them, because that’s just normal in this family…
Girl, give your head a shake. Run. And do the work, read the books, get the therapy, learn the red flags. You deserve FAR better than this.
This is going to be your life with him. It will not change. This is the family your children will grow up in and think is normal (if you have any). Arrests and court dates and chaos. You are so young. Don’t chain yourself to this wreck.
My grandma always told me, when you marry someone you marry their family. I didn’t listen the first time, now I’m divorced lol
Similar situation pre-marriage with my husband. Always impact our lives in a negative way.
He was just used to, or felt obligated, to help everyone. I basically went the direction of starting a family with me through marriage, which means that I am now his primary family, and he no longer has to/needs to feel guilty for nor helping everyone else. It is important to note, which is your situation as well, that the issues he is helping them with have been created due to their own negative actions. So helping them is basically enabling. Obviously, if someone got cancer and needed help with kids or whatever, that, in my opinion, is different.
If he can understand this concept, enabling, and is able and willing and can demonstrate that he will no longer do that, and verbalize that to them, and sticks to it then I’d be good to go. But I’d want to see him in action so I know he can follow through.
It will actually help him a lot as well with less stress. He may get initially upset because he guarantees his siblings will give him shit but it isn’t his or your problem.
You should marry him if you want a 100% chance you will be divorced before you’re 30. Up to you OP. Or maybe not divorced, but trapped in a shitty abusive relationship. Your call.
There’s nothing wrong with helping out family at all and I think it’s cool that he does that BUT not at the expense of you and your relationship, hell even at the expense of his own life. Not only is he putting you on the back burner he’s putting himself on the back burner as well. You’re not wrong to feel this way and it sounds like more of a them issue vs a you issue. You’re doing everything right and his family should love you, you’re regularly helping out with the kids, buying gifts for everyone on special occasions, trying to make conversation and find your place within his family but despite all this they still reject you.
It’s okay for this to be a dealbreaker for you and it’s okay to leave the relationship. He’s grown up with this dynamic and I’d put money on the fact that he doesn’t even realise how much of his own life is taking a backseat to help them. He should be sticking up for you to his family and telling them they need to include you more especially since you both help them out a lot.
You guys need to have a serious talk where he actually listens to you and hears what you’re saying and how you’re feeling and vice versa. Maybe couples counselling to help you guys navigate this issue in a healthy communicative way without him shutting you down.
At the end of the day it’s up to you if you want to try save this or if it’s not worth the effort and you’re the only person who can answer that.
You are not the problem here.
This will not end well for you. It sounds like a nightmare. I’d be very concerned about all the legal system run ins. And the very rude extended family. They’ll be happy to have you babysitting. They already have a throng of grandkids. Your bf is enmeshed and not standing up for you. Does this seem good enough for you? You’re very young to take this on.
His prioritizing the families needs over his own and yours is a sign of just how dysfunctional that family is.
And Chaotic isn’t the word I’d use. Dramatic, now that sounds right.
These people would one day be your child’s aunties and uncles. Their kids would be your kid’s cousins. They would be impossible to avoid, and your kid would be mixed up in all their bullshit.
Honestly, you sound like a smart and caring person. You can do better than this, I promise you.
If your bf doesn’t start standing up for you, I strongly suggest you leave him sooner than later. Maybe even give him the ultimatum: “take my side or it’s over.”
Good luck to you!
This family situation does not end well for you. Imagine you have children. Your bf will prioritize his family over his own kids.