I made a post here a couple days ago.
I had had a great date with a cis het guy.
It was a coffee date.
We laughed a lot, we liked the same music, loved the same pizza, hated the same movies.
We had planned a 2nd date and before the 2nd date I disclosed something a lot of people thought I should disclose before a new date.
I wanted to disclose a few weeks later so that he would have some more occasions to get to know me better but I took people’s advice at heart.
I told him over a phone call. Safer than in person and more personal than over text.
He was friendly, didn’t insult me or say anything outright nasty but said that he had to think about it as he is not into that usually.
He then gave me a compliment that hurt more than that it did any good: he said that I looked like a normal woman and that he didn’t see it during the date. Good on you for that.
That hurt. Like, I’m not wearing a costume or something.
This is just who I am.
I wasn’t trying to win a best disguise prize.
I get he is probably just ignorant when it comes to trans people and he likely thought it was something positive to say but it hurt so much.
He liked me enough to be affectionate the entire evening with me, laughing and joking around and being touchy (carressing my hand and kissing my cheek) but now he needs to think about it.
He also asked a lot of weird questions on whether it looks normal down there and if I can orgasm and if I have had sex with lots of men and if I told them before intimacy and stuff like that.
He gave me some kind of an impression that he may want to try it out of curiosity but that I would never become something serious to him.
He liked one of my new Instagram pictures today but gives me the silent treatment on Whatsapp.
Should I break it off before he does, to protect myself from heartache or should I feel it out some more and wait?
Maybe I should have told him earlier but I didn’t r**e him.
It’s almost like he treats me as a liar.
TL;DR
I told my date that I’m post-op trans after everyone here and friends IRL urged me to do so.
Now he gives me mixed signals.
He likes my Instagram pictures but during the phone call where I disclosed he told me he needs to think about it because it’s not what he usually goes for as a straight man.
Then he gave me a backhanded compliment that I did a good job and that he couldn’t tell and that I looked like a normal woman. Which made it seem as if I’m a liar wearing a costume.
He also asked me questions about my vagina as if I’m some science experiment.
I’m thinking about breaking it off myself before he does, to avoid further heartache.
17 comments
Yeah I would bounce…. Bro is having some hang ups and when you are looking for love, you don’t want to be on trial like that….
Oh god I’m so sorry. Please break it off. This guy is not treating you like a human being deserving of respect. It is clear he is ignorant, but that’s no excuse. It sounds like he’s never knowingly met a trans woman before, and he is asking extremely rude questions that, frankly, I don’t believe you need to entertain.
Personally, you should have told him before the first date to rule out any issues.
Bad analogy but, if I go look at at a 60’s muscle car and understand it to be a matching numbers barracuda for instance. But I get there and find out it’s just the body with a fiat engine, I’m going to be pissed. I consider it false advertising. (Sorry only analogy that fits I can think of. And no not referring to your actual body parts. Just the situation.)
You gave him every indication of a cis woman. That’s the compliment. But you don’t have that v8 he expected but the fiat engine. Since this is far outside his scope of interest he likely had no idea how to react.
As you posted, you do not want to continue to see him to feed a curiosity. That isn’t healthy for you. If he isn’t actually interested in pursuing a relationship, then I suggest you politely decline the offer.
You want to date someone that cherishes you not fetishizes you.
I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this and be treated in this way. Even if it’s not coming from a place of malice (which, you know, small mercies!), it’s still incredibly othering and hard to go through. I think you know this isn’t the guy for you, but it’s probably the disappointment that is a large part of the sting. Break it off, definitely. He might learn in the future, and hopefully this will spur him to educate himself on the matter, but you don’t have to be a learning tool in some guy’s self development at the cost of your own well-being. I promise there are people out there who will be able to understand and see you as who you are, and now you are one step closer to finding them.
Now. A good time is now.
Holy crap. I’m so sorry OP. I think you should break it off with this guy right now.
It’s 2023. Actual transgender people, not just the terrible hollywood stereotypes, have been visible in western pop culture for more a decade now. It’s not exactly hard to access educational resources on trans identity these days, at least not in places where we have relatively open internet.
Whether someone is cis or trans, I don’t think it’s too much to expect someone not to:
– Interrogate you about your genitalia
– Congratulate you for “looking normal”
– Demand to know your bodycount
I do encourage you, as a fellow LGBTQ+ person, to be upfront with dates early on like this. It’s not because you’re “tricking” people by being trans, or whatever accusations the meaner cishet people make. It’s for your own emotional and physical wellbeing. I hate that we have to be so vigilant, but the world at large just doesn’t understand us, and a very large number of cishet people don’t seem to be motivated to make the effort to learn. Most of my trans friends only date other LGBTQ+ people for this reason. I’ve dated plenty of cishet guys personally, so I’m not advocating against that or anything… it just can be a lot simpler and less stressful dating other members of the community.
I’m really sorry babe. Sending love your way. It isn’t your fault this man was so awful to you.
I think you deserve much better than this.
Awh honey, this is a perfect time to break up for self-preservation… don’t be alone with this dude again, he honestly sounds like he’s dealing with some fucked up repressed issues that are not your problem nor yours to fix.
Everyone is allowed to have dealbreakers. Sounds like his dealbreaker is your history, and your dealbreaker is how he treated you after you shared your history with him. Best for you both to move on.
Yes, break it off. But also, *never* wait until the second date to tell a potential partner about your trans status. For your own safety, and just to be ethical and efficient in dating, always give that information before the first date.
He can have a polite golf clap for hitting a certain very low bar of basic decency, sure. But he has a lot to learn about trans people, and you don’t have to be the person who spends your time and energy on teaching him when doing that hurts you.
I’m sorry he didn’t turn out to be someone who could live up to your extremely reasonable hopes for him. One woman to another: you can do better. Someone else will love you for exactly the woman you are and not need to have their hand held through learning how to do that. The sooner you let this guy go, the closer you’ll be to finding someone who is right for you.
If he can not love you for who you are, then he does not deserve you.
No one should be questioned about their body and what has been done to it. No one!
You deserved to be loved unconditionally, just like everyone else on this big blue marble.
Was he asking about procedure or what? Def put it on ur dating profile. Thats up to u if u do or not.
I’m really sorry that happened. Everyone is allowed their preferences when it comes to dating, but that’s the kind of stuff you keep to yourself to avoid offending your date. And to make it worse, what he was saying to you is completely degrading and gross. I think the best thing to do is not see him again. Just let him fade away. Don’t bother with him
You need to lead off with that information. Doesn’t matter how you “feel,” you’re a biological man putting yourself on the dating market to straight men. Being that you’re 31, you’re fully aware of how dangerous that is.
*It’s almost like he treats me as a liar
Again, you’re on a date with a straight man who thinks you’re a biological woman and you withheld the truth. That is lying, and it is very serious.
He’s already showing you it’s over. Also some trans people you don’t even see or notice it until they tell or show you. I don’t think he was trying to be mean
May be an unpopular opinion. But this should be disclosed before a physical date. Weed out men, by just being up front. You will be rejected, yes. It’s either they’ll do it before you meet or after. Find someone who is open and accepting by full disclosing it when you start chatting. Situations like this can be avoided by doing so. A man that clearly knows you’re trans and open to a date probably doesn’t care, or wouldn’t make such comments. This is an understandable deal breaker for some. Just like women have to say hey I’m a single mom and that shrieks her dating pool, it’s better to find a man that is okay with someone having a kid(s) then to wait and tell him in a date and waste you and his time.