I had a recent 4-month “experience” with an emotionally unavailable person I met on a dating app. As someone who has little to no dating experience, I was initially unable to spot the signs and assumed they’re just a slow-burner or they prefer “taking it slow” to build a connection overtime. I was wrong. Here are a few of the signs (I missed) that our “relationship” would never progress:
* Unwillingness or inability to share emotionally salient experiences
* Unwillingness to integrate me into their social group or family (thus more easy to remove me from their life)
* Didn’t invite me to their home or ask to come to my home
* Lack of discussion on the future
* Lack of intimacy
* Use of vague statements about “taking it slow” and “seeing where it goes”
* Rarely (if ever) checked in on me, initiated convos, or asked me to hang out
* Never once sought to define our relationship
What are some other signs to spot? And how do you manage to differentiate this from someone who does genuinely enjoy taking things slow?
39 comments
From an emotionally unavailable person, I think you uncovered some good ones. Good on you for taking the initiative to learn from you’re experience. It’s important to know how to read people.
This is also a dead give away…
“ You may leave now. It was but brief, but thou gavest me fine service.
I, too, am to depart on a journey. Upon the dark path only I may tread.”
I’m someone who is currently trying to take it slow. I say stuff like “taking it slow” and “seeing where it goes”, but I also mention how important it is to me to get to know someone properly before dating them.
I’m also trying to have all sorts of conversations and experiences with someone, to get a feel of what they are like in different situations, and to find out their thoughts processes, and values on different topics. I try to make conversations interactive, like talking about things I’ve seen or heard recently or things that happen to my friends and asking for their opinions.
>What are some other signs to spot?
* constant burnout/social media breaks/periods of self-reflection or whatever excuse they have for why they can’t respond or reach out to you
* mismatching words and actions aka. telling you what you want to hear but never following through
* general lack of effort like you mentioned
* only reaching out ever so often when they need some kind of validation from you
By emotionally unavailable, do you mean “doesn’t want a relationship”? Because that may be the new default setting for guys.
Avoiding you like the plague around special occasions. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day. I do that.
They don’t stick around if your not putting out early in “dating” in order to build a connection before sex.
I just had a girl friend who complaint the guy she was seeing rarely messaged her back on time. Usually like 3-5 days for a simple reply, wasn’t even answering her question 🤔
Frustrating eh? Good you spotted all the red flags. The sooner you dump him, the better you’d become 😊💪🏻
Damn am I emotionally unavailable?
Sounds more like you didn’t connect enough to start dating and they were smart about it.
Everybody is a comedian, shit’s crazy and is outta hand..
Also known as Avoidants. They’re fun, huh.
Ghosted me after a year of dating, being around his kid every weekend and calling his house “our house”.
I tried to get him to open up, he wouldn’t. Begged for communication. Wouldn’t be intimate with me.
It was horrible.
Last dude I dated long term was emotionally unavailable.
>Unwillingness to integrate me into their social group or family
Did this.
>Didn’t invite me to their home or ask to come to my home
Did this
>Lack of discussion on the future
He said was only with me but refused a title/committment.
>Rarely (if ever) checked in on me, initiated convos, or asked me to hang out
He did. Mostly with a goal in mind.
>And how do you manage to differentiate this from someone who does genuinely enjoy taking things slow?
Bc it doesnt take a damn year! They also dont say they want an open, casual relationship.
TIL I was emotionally unavailable my entire previous relationship. Oops.
This is called an avoidant personality, plenty of books on this
Women looking for a relationship should force exclusive tslk at 1 month
This is because most people these days are not suitable for long term relationships. They are so transactional. They want what they want and once they get it they move on.
Leaving almost immediately after sex. No wish for intimacy is a behavior that does not bode well for a LTR
Those are all great signs. I would also add a general unwillingness to progress the relationship. Even if you are taking things slow, things should still be moving forward – spending more time together, having more intimate discussions etc. Theres a difference between going slow and not moving.
Also if after 2 months of spending time together they aren’t willing to be exclusive, they probably never will be. 2 months is enough time to know if you like someone enough to focus solely on them. If they are ready or w/e after that stage, they just aren’t that into you.
[deleted]
I would also add in seeing other people. I don’t think it’s easy to go from seeing multiple ppl to only one.
Yup, deal with this with a lot of women I’ve dated or been dealing with. It’s pretty frustrating. They say they want one thing and then their actions turn out completely different. It’s worse when things start off good the first 1-3 weeks, and then the NRE starts dwindling and you start seeing who they really are. It can take time but I’ve found just cutting it off best. It’s not my job to change them or fix them, and I’d rather not waste my time on another emotional project.
Biggest ones are:
– Lack of label
– No intro to friends/family
– No concrete plans regarding future events (attending a wedding together as a couple, etc)
Some people will be happy to express emotional intimacy/vulnerability, because that’s just talk in the end, and it can be therapeutic. But if the other person does not seem to want to show you off to his/her friends after a few months, that’s a big red flag. Whenever I’ve met someone I really like, I can’t wait for my friends to meet her. If I’m more on the fence, I’ll play my cards closer to my chest.
“Person” is a bit vague. It would be useful to know who is who. Im assuming you are the girl?
I dont know if “emotionally unavailable” is whats going on here. First thing you need to assume is the guy wants to get laid. That is the goal at the end of the day. Obviously you dont bother introducing you to the friends and family. But not inviting you or inviting himself to your place to bang? This is just strange.
How long do you think is the right amount of time (or being patient) before you decide that it’s not worth pursuing someone who might show some of these traits?
I recently went out with someone and she never initiates much questions – it’s always be curious to learn about her. I feel most of our values align, so thinking to be a bit more patient, but also ready to move on. It was only one date, and we’re still talking on the app lol. Despite me dropping subtle hints that it’s okay to take the convo off of it.
BAM. Great list.
To add:
– brings up the past a lot and talks about how much more emotional they were then
– speaks on how they feel “numb” / stoic about their own emotions, esp. in terms of romance
– no routine established for when you see each other (weekends? At least 1x a week?)
– following the above — they’ll purposefully leave their schedules and routines vague
Good to note that your list and these additions can also point to someone living a whole double life because that’s what I just went through. 🥲
Reading this and the comments, makes me sad that I tick most of these boxes.
Sounds like a girl I dated last year. Avoidants are difficult to deal with…
damn she just described me😎
Meh. People love these traits. And love to complain about them. Emotionally available just isn’t interesting. It is what it is.
Maybe I’m the odd one out but in 4 months I’m not inviting anyone around family or friends, I’m not going to say anything too emotional (subjective), I’m not talking about the future or defining or future because I’m trying to be friends first and unless we are sexually active I’m not inviting or going to their home. Maybe they genuinely are taking it slow and seeing where things go. Idk 4 months isn’t that much time for me to do these things especially when I’m not even sure we’re fully friends (subjective).
So for those that have dealt with these people for any amount of time, did you call them out on their behavior? And what was their response/result of doing so?
I agree with all of these except for the third bullet point. That by itself doesn’t mean they’re unavailable, they might just be ashamed of their living situation or might think it’s inappropriate at that point in time. Plus, and this is just me, I would NEVER invite myself over to someone else’s house unless we knew each other really well and I knew without a doubt they’d be ok with it.
Agreeing with what you want but in words only while their actions are the exact opposite.
Saying youre too needy when you try to meet up more.
Them only reaching out when its covienent for them
Just wanted to point out sometimes people will call you, check on you, open their hearts out, etc and still not want something serious.
My last relationship was with someone very much like this, they constantly pushed everything off as “being busy with work” or “I’m spending time with my family” and essentially only spent a total of 1 day in 9 months of me actively trying to be a boyfriend to them (best way to describe it) actually with me. This very same person asked ME out and that’s what made it so confusing to me. Glad to say I’m out of that now!
Sigh, my 6 month long relationship like this just ended a few days ago and it was honestly a relief to get it over with. He just wanted to have someone to fill his loneliness when he felt lonely. I kept hoping that the “taking it slow” comments were truthful…..I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time than I did.
If they only want to hook up, and have no good reasons for not wanting to commit
As an emotionally unavailable person, I think you can skip a lot of these. I’ll invite you to meet my family and chill out at my house. I don’t care if we take things fast or slow. I’ll ask you about yourself and how you’re doing plenty; it’s the easiest way to redirect your attention away from me.
I think the only thing you really need to observe is that an emotionally unavailable person doesn’t need you. They don’t seek you out when they are going through something tough or traumatic. They don’t call you when they are sick or feel like they want to process a tough day with you. If they seem upset, they’ll deflect when you try to connect with them.
I think this list is more like, they weren’t interested in having the relationship and just were fine with how things were going.