I’ve been with my bf 5 years so far, but I have had some nasty experiences with him when it comes to sex.
When we were two or one year into a relationship he kinda forced me into sex, i invited him to stay over at my mom’s house, when it was night he said he wanted to have sex and i told him I didn’t really wanted since my mom and my sister were in the next room, he suddenly turned cold and mean, wouldn’t talk to me, when i asked him why he told me we hadn’t had sex in a very long time and he was really looking forward to it, because I was a people pleaser I gave in and let him had sex but was uncomfortable and told him afterwards it was like rape.
Second thing that still makes me uneasy happened during the pandemic. As I said I don’t like having sex when other people are near and through 2020-2021 i lived with in my mother’s house, my boyfriend would come visit me at times. One time he insisted on getting nudes from me saying he felt sexually frustrated and that if he couldn’t have sex he might get pictures to feel less frustrated. I said it was ok but that it made me incredible uncomfortable.
He also has another actitudes related to sex like begging to do it when we didn’t know if we were actually alone. Like one time he told me his sister always stayed long after school so we could have a quick one, no more than 5 minute pass and his sister comes into the house and almost finds out. This kinda started me not wanting to have sex with people near.
After all this i told him how it all made me feel and he agreed he was garbage for doing that and asked me to forgive him. I did since he really seemed sorry and disgusted with himself.
The point is because of all what has happened in the past I don’t really look forward to sex, i don’t really have a sex drive. My boyfriend however is as high as ever, we could have 3 rounds in the morning and he would still want more by night and he asks me every single day if I want to have sex. This puts a lot of pressure in me as I feel like he is annoyed by me not wanting to have sex with him like in the past, so I usually tell him not to ask me for it so much. My boyfriend usually is very sexually frustrated and says he feels like walking on eggshells when it comes to sex. I explained that i don’t have that much sex drive and past really comes into play. It makes me mad that he’s frustrated about something he helped to create. Is our sex life doomed?
Btw I know he must seem like garbage but this boy has helped me through the hardest times in my life and never complained, he’s always there for me and i love him the most. I just feel like he might need therapy to control his sex urges? Also sorry for my bad english
2 comments
Hi- I’m very sorry but you need to break up with him and go NC immediately. Coercing someone into sex is assault even if you technically consented. And it would be bad enough for this to have happened once but he’s shown a consistent pattern of pressuring you in sexual situations for his own gratification. This is not going to stop . He does NOT care about your boundaries.
It sounds like you’re not just a people pleaser but more so a codependent and very unhealthy person emotionally and cannot say no or separate from him no matter how horribly he treats you. I cannot judge because unfortunately I have been there before and it’s much harder than many people make it seem. That said though I am really hoping you can find the strength within yourself to get therapy asap and breakup with him as soon as possible. His ignoring your boundaries WILL continue and will also escalate. Please don’t hate yourself so much you allow others to hurt you. You deserve so much more.
EDIT: I also wanted to add that he’s already traumatized you so severely that it’s hard for you to enjoy or want sex. This is HUGE. If you continue hurting yourself by having sex with him and not seeking therapy and major help, you will most likely have trouble surrounding sex the rest of your life. You most likely will not marry this boy, and even if you meet the love of your life who actually respects you , how awful would it be if you can’t have sex with him bc of how traumatized you are due to the asshole you’re dating now? Please don’t allow this to happen. So many women do. You deserve to have a fulfilling and beautiful sex life with an intimate partner you can trust.
>My boyfriend usually is very sexually frustrated and says he feels like walking on eggshells when it comes to sex.
Well that’s some creative spinning. His definition of “walking on eggshells” seems to be “not raping you this time.” He has a seriously warped and self-serving narrative about what’s going on.
Just so it’s clear: he is not entitled to sex on demand. You can say no whenever you want, and that’s a complete sentence. You saying no to sex that you don’t want is not you making him walk on eggshells; it’s just you exercising basic autonomy over your own body.
The events you’ve described are truly disturbing and I am worried for your safety in this relationship, especially considering he continues to pressure you to have sex you don’t want.
This isn’t what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like. I strongly encourage you to leave him. It’s going to be very hard for you to heal from these traumas while he continues to pressure you for sex every day. Please take care.