I (18F) feel resentful to my boyfriend (18M). I don’t know how to stop feeling the way, and I don’t know how to stop it.

So me (18F) and boyfriend (18M) have been together for 3 years. We are long distance but we used to make it work.

At the beginning of our relationship it was very nice and I had so much fun despite us being long distance. There were something’s that I really regret not doing during this relationship.

2 years ago, he has this close friend. At the time, I trusted him with her because he didn’t break my trust. However, I started to feel anxious and jealous because she’d post sexual content of herself and he’d like those images. I know that liking an image means nothing, but to me it was very disrespectful. I started to feel very left out because she and him would hang out. She would influence his style and looks, etc. even his career goal. It definitely did hurt my feelings and I confronted him about it. He said I didn’t have anything to worry about so I brushed it off.

Then later on that year he cheated on me. We exchanged our passwords on our social media during the beginning of our relationship. Being young and dumb I didn’t think anything about it. During that time, he logged me out of his account and I didn’t pay any mind to it. On a normal day, I was browsing on my blocked accounts and saw that some girl who I didn’t recognize was on there. I unblocked her account only to see him comment on sexual things about her breasts and body. Although it wasn’t physical cheating, it still hurt my feelings. Of course, I did confront him about it, and we were both crying on call. He begged me to not leave him because he himself did not know why he did it. He said that he loved me and he would never cheat on me again. ‘Til this day I don’t know why he did it, or if that girl goes to the same school as he did. Being lonely and on medication, I don’t think I fully got to experience the whole cheating thing and it’s only hitting me now.

I also barely realized NOW realized that I actually get anxiety from this relationship. Now I am going through the emotions that I should’ve been going through 2 years ago. When I see that he follows another girl I immediately start panicking and shaking. I feel like he’s going to start flirting with her or cheat on me. I know I need therapy because of this. I want him to understand the pain that I went through. I feel so hurt that I was always there for him, always sacrificing myself for him. Whenever he was down or needed the support, I was always there. I was there through it all. I told him how I felt and he assured me that he’s not doing anything. Deep down I still have that fear lingering inside of me.

It’s been very hard and I fight for what I want in this relationship. We get into arguments constantly. He works now and he can’t text me at all because of his job. He has a hard job so I understand why he can’t text me all the time. I’ve expressed to him that I understand he can’t text me everyday and I don’t expect that. But what I do expect is on the days he doesn’t work is to talk to me. I’ve told him that I wish he’d be there whenever I needed him. When I needed support he wouldn’t really give it to me. When I’d text him for that support it’d just be brief comforting and then he would not answer me for hours. He says that he cares about me but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s emotionally unavailable or he just doesn’t care. Sometimes he won’t even text me for a day. We haven’t even called or played games for 6 months. As of right now, he hasn’t answered me for 2 days and I saw him go ONLINE. I’ve told him that if he wants to stop talking to me then to just tell me. I just feel so lost. I don’t even know what’s going on with him, he doesn’t tell me about his day or feelings. It’s not fair because when he wanted that attention/support I’d sacrifice my sleep or whatever just so I can make him feel comforted. He tells me he DOES give me that time but he doesn’t even text me. It’s not fair because I’ve been feeling so lonely that I start to isolate myself and that’s when he CARES. That’s when he tries to call me and text me. Then he says that he tries to give me the attention but I ignore it. It’s making me so confused.

I just don’t know anymore, I want to stay in this relationship but it’s hurting me physically and emotionally. It’s giving me so much anxiety and I start shaking and crying. He tells me he’s going to come and see me but I can’t take my anxiety.

I’ve developed this mentality that he’s my soul mate and I know it’s dumb. I know I need therapy and I will probably get it soon.

TD;LR because of boyfriends actions such as cheating, ignoring, etc. makes me feel so lost and resentful in the relationship that I don’t know how to save it.