I (F27) have been with my boyfriend (M27) for 10 months, it has not been perfect but I am truly in love with him so is hard for me to distinguish if his behavior is being too controlling. I usually spend my weekends with him, I started spending more time with him because he was making me feel as If I was going out without telling him and that was not the case. He told me that he believes that once that you are in a relationship you should stop partying too heavy out of respect of the relationship. I have no interested in going to a lot of parties, we are both 27 and I think I’m past that phase.
What worries me have been 2 events that happened in these 2 weeks.
2 weekends ago, my gay friend invited me to a weekend trip with his boyfriend. I declined the invitation because they were returning on Monday and I had to work. When I told my boyfriend about this, he got very upset, he told me that it was weird that he invited me and that I should try to understand his position and his feelings. Now, he gets suspicious if I listen to a voice message of this gay friend.
This last Saturday, I was at his house and we were having lunch when he received a call from his dad telling him that a relative (not a close one) had died, he told me that he needed to be with his family for a while. He also explained to me that it was something a little personal and he was going just to comfort his cousin. I told him that I understood and that I would call an Uber take me to my house since I don’t have my car right now. He was fine with that, then I told him that I was probably going to visit my neighbor (a women) who was having some activity. He got a little upset. I told him “why should I stay at home if we don’t have plans anymore?” he seemed to understand but then he convinced me to wait for him at his apartment, he was very pushy, he told me that he would be there only for 2 hours, he put me a movie, made a meal for me and I agreed to wait for him.
I have a really soft spot for him and I don’t want to fight with him but I am wondering if this is how my life is going to be. I am not an outgoing person and I do like to be with him but I am also trying to balance this and other things that are important for me.
TL;DR : My boyfriend doesn’t like when I go out and I am not sure If is too bad or I am overreacting.
9 comments
I feel like I need to write in caps, YES! THIS IS VERY CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR. Please don’t get trapped in this situation. This type of people won’t change. I’m so glad you see it.
While I don’t agree with the isolation stuff. I would say it’s kinda weird for a couple to invite 1 friend over for a weekend trip. But not their partner.
As for the neighbor situation that’s ridiculous.
You’re not overreacting, your bf is controlling as fuck. The incidents you described are him testing the waters, he wants to see what he can get away with. It will keep escalating and happening more and more until you either put your foot down and make it perfectly clear that only you get to decide if and where you go, or if you break up. I’m guessing he wouldn’t like you drawing boundaries, controlling people don’t enjoy it when you show them where their rights end. You can be sure that when you have this conversation he will try to manipulate you by saying it’s disrespectful towards him not to listen when he tells you not to hang out with someone, that his feelings are very hurt because you have friends basically. This is a rabbit hole, one you can’t help but sink into unless you put an end to his ridiculous behavior at once. Unless you’re doing something to show him he can’t trust you (no, having friends and being in contact with them doesn’t fall under this category), there’s not excuse to justify his behavior and it will get worse.
Very very controlling!!! This is not love, it is ownership. You get love bombed in the beginning and then the true character begins to emerge.
That is weird AF.
I feel like the meal he gave you must’ve had some dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets in it, cause he treated you like a child.
Don’t know about isolating, but def controlling, I would be watching for sure.
What? No. You should end this relationship.
It’s just a matter of talking, you have to see if something in the previous relationship caused this, but talking is the best, explain that every time you want to do something with your friends he gets mad, as if you had cheated on him, explain that that’s not cool, that makes you think he doesn’t trust you, in part he’s right about being in a relationship with someone, it means making some sacrifices for example going out every night as in single life it’s not possible, but occasionally As you said, there is no problem, he needs to understand that he is not his owner, but his partner, I don’t know if it helps a lot, this is kind of obvious but knowing how to communicate is fundamental in a relationship, this type of problem must be solved soon.
He’s definitely controlling and isolating.
Yes, this is isolating and controlling behaviour. Whatever happened in his past, it’s not an excuse to stop you from spending time with other people. If he can’t even trust you to hang out with a female neighbour, or your *gay friend and his boyfriend* then this relationship is going to end very badly for you.
You don’t have to fight, but you do have to stand up for yourself. Your social life cannot just consist of him. If it does, who will you turn to when (not *if*) things go really wrong?