I (18m) slept with a uni housemate (23m) who sees himself as straight. He now hates me and my living situation is miserable.

25 comments

1. Literally none of this is your fault. He wanted to have sex with you, and now he is choosing to act like a piece of shit. Definitely find somebody to talk to for real about what happened in a very open way. You don’t have to keep this bottled up just because he’s ashamed. If you can’t talk about something, it’s *so* much harder to deal with the emotional fallout, so you need to get to the point where you can share this.

   Contact the school admin in writing again. Let them know you feel unsafe, that he has already been tampering with your food, and include any threats he has made or other things that make you feel unsafe. Make them feel the urgency and importance of this. The main reason to do this is that it creates some potential liability for the school in the event that he were to kick your ass (or worse), so the school is more likely to act and act swiftly to change your living arrangements.

   I know you feel weird staying on friends’ couches or whatever, but just do it anyway. Do a couple nights with one friend, couple nights with another friend, maybe mix in a few nights at home. You do a few cycles of that and it will almost be April.

2. You don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe other people an explanation for who you are or what you do. If he can’t handle that, it’s his problem, not yours. Focus on taking care of yourself and getting through this difficult time. And definitely talk to your university’s counseling services – they’re there to help you.

3. So considering he tampered with your food, this is a good case of assault or even an attempt on your life. Take out the part where you slept together and just say it’s about your sexuality since it kind of is. This guy is committing hate crimes.

   Depending on the state you live in there are laws about you being able to break your lease if you are in danger. Considering you’re being harassed, poisoned and feel very threatened and are worried for your safety and have been sent to the hospital? This dude is dead where he stands. Not only could you get your lease broken but you could get this guy thrown out of school, put in jail, but you could sue him for cash money if you wanted to.

4. I feel you Here, dear. I decided to move a few months ago because of a flatmate. And Found myself also in my room hiding out. It is most uncomfy while you are living with that sort of person. This guy resents you because he may have realized the Huge Mistake it was to sleep with an openly Gay girl and he is protecting himself and his reputation by showing how Rude and Crude he is. He is a loser for sure. Stick it out where you are as you have plans to move. It is not far off. Make the most of it like I had to do. Moving day(Xmas Eve day)Was the PITS while I was finishing my move to leave that morning. As far as Class Ass goes with Him, Ignore him. Or tell the teachers to talk to him about Toning it down. You cannot run from people like this One, hun. Where there is One Pompous Pig, There are others like him. Male or Female. Good Luck.

5. Hon, I’m going to tell you again what people told you last time: you didn’t “make a stupid choice” because sleeping with him wasn’t really your choice. He waited until you were too drunk to consent and them he got you alone and raped you. That’s why you feel so bad. It’s also extremely normal to feel like it’s your fault, but it isn’t. You deserve help with this.

   Are there resources for sexual assault survivors at your university that you can access? If not, you might try calling a hotline.

6. I remember your last post, and I’m sorry that your situation hasn’t improved. Keep yourself safe and continue couch surfing for now. I would advise reporting him for bullying and harassment if you feel that it is safe to do so.

7. None of this is your fault. He purposely took advantage of you while you were intoxicated, and is harassing you because he wants you to be scared and keep his secret.

   It’s not your responsibility to protect him. I know you have morals against outing people, but “Pete” relinquished that courtesy the *second* he hurt you.

   It might be worth considering going to the police, making a report detailing the assault and harassment, which you have multiple witnesses that could verify. Would one of your flat mates join you as a witness and support? (You could take screenshots of the anonymous posts with dates as evidence too.) You could also ask about how to get a restraining order against Pete because he’s tampering with your food, you’re T1D and have been in hospital because of it.

   You could then include the police report number in a letter to the school admin, also stating that this obviously a hate crime and it’s escalating. They will have to take action then.

8. It is not your fault that he’s acting like this. He is choosing to do that. He obviously has some extremely toxic issues with his own sexuality and is taking that out on you.

   I think you should be prepared for your appointment with the school wellness people. Make a list of everything he’s done to you (make sure he can’t find it, maybe have it on Google drive or something with your phone password protected). Include dates when possible, even if it’s just early February, etc. Make notes of when professors have said something, when people said something to him about how he was acting, etc. This will show them that other people are noticing his behavior too, including professors. You will likely be nervous at this appointment, so have this all written down before you go and make sure you can access it during your appointment. Even if you can’t prove it was him, show them the secret online posts about you as well. Make sure they understand your medical situation. Do not mention this appointment to anyone who might let him know about it, even accidentally.

   I know it is awful because you can’t seem to avoid this jerk, even with his voice traveling into your room. Try your best though, because he’s not going to stop acting this way even if he adapts his behavior like you said he did. Can you lock yourself in your room with headphones and pour yourself into school? Maybe try to work ahead? This will give you the added benefit of having a little extra time later to get settled in your new accomodations. I know that’s easier said then done in such a stressful situation. My heart goes out to you. Please keep us updated about your situation.

   Edit: I wanted to say too not to feel stupid for being scared of him. That is your intuition which is there to protect you. Never ignore that. He’s clearly not a stable individual and there’s no telling what he will do. Please take care of yourself.

9. You care about his boundaries more than you care about you own. Please take this advice that I wish I had when it was given to me: don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. This is not your fault, and you can’t fix something you didn’t break.

10. How about you say that if you don’t stop with all of this nonsense then you will out him to everyone. Also, maybe inform the police about your situation and if anything comes of it they have this guy on their radar.

11. Hey. I know that there is a huge taboo against outing someone, but the reason he is able to bully you with impunity is because you are concealing his behavior for him. You need to talk to people. You need to tell your friends. You need to tell the people who noticed his behavior and came to you with their concerns. If at all possible you need to speak to your universities administration and law enforcement as well. Stop trying to think of reasons why telling people wouldn’t help, or that he hasn’t committed any crimes (yet? he has!); you are doing your bully’s work for him there and making yourself more vulnerable. Bullies are like roaches that scuttle away when light is shined on them, and oftentimes dealing with harassment and stalking takes multiple police reports.

12. This is a LOT for you to deal with by yourself. In addition to using your school’s counseling, you need a strong friend and ally. The roommate who spoke up for you – is she trustworthy? Could you tell her what happened in confidence so that she could at least shield you a little from that asshole? I would also ask all your roommates to help keep their eyes on your food because “someone” has been tampering with it. I really feel for you. I hope you can stand up for yourself and do it safely.

13. You said you don’t know what to say to the wellbeing counselor. You’re so eloquent here. Show them your posts.

    You were assaulted the night he got you alone and forced himself on you.

    It feels like I read somewhere or picked up something about messing with your food can be considered assault as well since you required medical attention. I could be wrong though.

    I’ll echo the other commenters about seeking out sexual assault victims resources. Uni very likely has some.

14. I read your other posts and I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a horrible time. It seems like Molly is really nice and wants to support you – you don’t have to tell her exactly what happened, but I recommend building that friendship with her! She stuck up for you and she cares about you. You need a support network outside of school resources.

    I can somewhat understand your feelings about what happened with him (I was fooling around with someone and was pressured into losing my virginity), and while it’s not exactly the same situation and I didn’t have to experience the aftermath like you are now, know that it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault for deciding to do it, and it’s not your fault that he’s a confused and angry person. He’s clearly struggling with his own sexual identity, and it’s not fair that he’s tormenting you.

    Is there any other places you can spend time at (library, student lounge for commuting students, cafe) where you can still study? That way you can feel safer and hopefully eat better.

    I truly hope that things get better soon. Definitely try to build relationships with Molly and other students; the LGBTQ+ community is into partying but that doesn’t mean going clubbing with them is the only way to get to know them!

15. Considering the guy SA’d you to say the least, I’m not suprised you are scared of him. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT that he did that to you and that he is bullying you. AT ALL. Couch surf whenever you can until you can move in April. NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. Honestly, not that you should or shouldn’t but I would consider switching schools. You don’t need this shit, and it would be better if this fucker were locked away but considering how hard it would be to make that happen, getting away might be the best thing. Of course, if you can’t then making the best of a bad situation by at least being safe is important.

    NOT YOUR FAULT. Any of it. And yes I remember the details.

16. I will tell you something I did… My situation wasn’t the same, as my experience was fully consensual. But, when someone starting bullying me, I decided if they didn’t stop I was going to openly and honestly explain exactly what happened to everyone. And I meant it. They knew I meant it. They backed off immediately.

    And get counseling/therapy.

17. I just want to give you a big hug. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

    Document what you can re the bullying and take it to the uni. Your tutor might be the best place to start as they seem sympathetic. Hopefully they take bullying very seriously.

    Leave out the sex part, since you seem uncomfortable with that, and just mention the bullying. The sex is the context, so they don’t necessarily need to know that. List what he’s said and done to you, like tampering with your food and making jokes. Keep a diary of any instances.

    If they ask for the context, you can always say you’ve had some personal encounters that went poorly and he seems to have an issue with you being gay, but you’d prefer not to go into too much detail.

18. Hey there. Everyone is giving you great advice. I just wanted to address the specific thing you mention where you say you’re unsure what to say when you go to your counseling appointment. That’s common with initial counseling appointments, so your counselor will be used to that. It’s OK if it takes some time to feel comfortable enough to get into the details. Again, that’s totally routine. Everyone takes some time to open up.

    A couple of options you might consider: first, you could just show them this post or your previous one. You’ve articulated things very well. If you think that’s too much at first, you could try starting out vague. For example, “I’m in a tough living situation with a roommate who’s bullying me.”

    Or even saying something like “I have a really big issue that I don’t think I’m ready to bring up yet,” can be good information for your counselor.

    Anyway, as everyone else has already said, none of this is your fault. I hope my extensive experience with going to counseling for various issues is of help to you.

19. >and I realise that a lot of this is my own fault for making a stupid choice

    I remember your first post as well.

    You were assaulted. You wanted him to stop and he did not. And didn’t he even acknowledge that he didn’t stop cause he was too into it? Meaning he knew you wanted it to stop. You guys were also drunk if I recall correctly. Now he’s using you to punish himself for his sexuality. It’s not your fault.

20. You have type 1 diabetes. He’s messed with your food before. You’ve been hospitalized. Even if the admin is unsympathetic about how this person sexually assaulted you, the fact that his behaviour has put you in the hospital *should* get the correct people hustling to room you elsewhere, if they won’t remove him from campus. You may have to talk to your RA, or likely their boss.

    If the admin is too incompetent to help you, transferring probably is the best option. But if the admin is at all capable of doing their jobs, you won’t have to, so long as you report what has happened.

21. I was assaulted in college in much the same manner, I didn’t say anything, he did it to atleast 8 more people. He did this to you, you tried being understanding and compassionate then he tried to kill you by tampering with your food, he WILL do this to someone else.

    I’m so sorry that this is on you but you need to go to the school and demand action on this. They can’t help you if they don’t know.

    Step 1 is asking for different living accommodations for your safety. You will need a support system think of someone you trust and ask for help. Good luck OP message me if you need anything

    -A Queer Canadian Girl

    Edit, punctuation.

22. THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT!
    The first thing that you need to understand is that this is NOT your fault and you have zero to be ashamed about!

    I don’t think you understand just how dangerous of a situation you are in: This is not the type of situation where you can wait, you need to reach out for help because this is an actual crisis situation. Gay men have been hurt before just for being openly gay on the street, and this is an older man who lives in the same place as you and has ALREADY not only sexually assaulted you, but is TAMPERING with your FOOD. One doesn’t even need to be diabetic for a person to do serious damage via food. I think the problem is that his actions have caused you shame where there is NOTHING to be ashamed of!

    Try to think of this situation for what it is:
    This is a grow man who has laid in wait to attack a younger student who he knows lives with him and therefore had more control over them— he is already trying to make that control even stronger by attempting to alienate you from the rest of your peers too! He didn’t target someone at a party or a club who he thought hold know he might never see again— he targeted YOU a person who he lives with and has to see on a regular basis every day who would have much more risk of remembering, nor risk of keeping proof of the assault, and more risk of telling other in his social circle and yet he chose to take that risk anyway? This isn’t just some naive teenager who doesn’t know how consent works, or a random guy who could have not realized you were drunk and followed you home— No what you are dealing with is an actual PREDATOR. Mark my words— this is someone who has done this before to someone else who might not have had the wherewithal to get help and is BANKING on you not coming forward— that is how by just how blatant he is also being with his retaliating against you. Predators COMMONLY try to target people that they believe they can easily alienate— he knows enough to know that your self esteem would be shaken by this happening to you and that you would psyche yourself out of telling anyone. You CANNOT let him succeed anymore!

    This is a man who has been plotting and scheming way before you even knew you were in danger and this you CANNOT let him get away with trying to make YOU feel ashamed for what happened, because that’s exactly what he WANTS you to feel! You have to understand that when it comes to a person like this, there is almost nothing you could have done to protect yourself because you didn’t even know he was a danger until it was too late— and you are not a mind reader so you better not start to think either that you should have somehow known— predators like this live their whole lives manipulating others in their circle so they can’t see the evil they are committing behind closed doors. Please consider for a moment how you would feel if this exact thing were happening yo another person— a friend or a sibling even. Would you blame them if they went off to school and the THEIR roommate took advantage of the fact they are younger and less strong? If you wouldn’t blame a friend for being in the same situation then why are you blaming yourself?? There is literally nothing about being gay that makes you any more deserving of not being protected— that is nothing but a cognitive distortion— a LIE that people create not because of any truth but because other people in society find it easier to blame the people that this happens to instead of weeding out and fighting back against the kinds of people who DO it, because often those people are in power in the first place.

    People who rape others don’t need any excuse to do so! There is no ‘I should have done this/Not done that,’ because the truth of the matter is rapists will have done what they did in ANY situation because that’s what they look out for. He lives in the same place as you: You don’t know how long he had been plotting or thinking about how he was going to do it, or how long he has been thinking of trying to hurt you, so there is literally NO way that you could have foreseen him doing so, and no matter WHAT you DON’T deserve it! Another thing that bothers me is the fact that you seem to think that the inconvenience of staying with the friend would even BE an inconvenience! If one of your friends were in this situation where they are being threatened by a roommate, would you ever think to yourself that they would be too much of a bother to let them stay with you?? So why do you feel it’s a bother if YOU go to a friend?? That’s what friends are FOR!! I promise you that a real friend would be devastated to know that you think that you being a bother would even cross their mind— A real friend would be devastated if they knew you were in this situation but couldn’t reach out for help and they were none the wiser. This is another cognitive distortion that you are dealing with, when you think your friends would be willing to show you any less kindness than you would show them in the same situation.

    Please try to understand that this isn’t a normal situation where you can just wait for the situation to change: You are in actual IMMEDIATE danger. This is the kind of situation that you should be seeking immediate police protection from— but I can understand if you have reservations over doing so— But at the very least you NEED to get your university involved. You should do this for yourself to try to take back the power he TRIED to steal from you, but I know that it can be hard to muster up the energy when everything just feels too overwhelming and scary and your tired from everything that’s happening. I don’t know exactly what you need in order to see that this is not just urgent, but that you are in actual crisis. I don’t know if it helps you to maybe say that it’s possible that you might be the only person able to come forward about what he had done because if he has not only been so bold as you assault you, a person that he knows he will have to see every day and live with the risk of you going to someone for help, that means he has MOST DEFINITELY done this before to other people and got away with it with others— some of those victims might not even remember everything if he is going around targeting people who are drunk.

    I know that this is hard and scary, and that the stress of it all is overwhelming, but you CANNOT stay where you are. There has to be a crisis center somewhere nearby— There might even be something like a women’s center or wellness center or anything that is mean to cater to LGBT+ or something like that. There might even be a counselor around campus— any of those option would be better than trying to wait it out yourself because you are in urgent danger right now.

23. I really am worried for you. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through: it’s not at all fair to you. I hear in your posts that you’re making a lot of excuses for “Pete” but it doesn’t sound like you’re taking care of yourself at all. You deserve care and protection, and its even further terrible that you’re family doesn’t tell you so. You really deserve better. You’re obviously a kind, compassionate person anyway.

    If one of your friends or roommates told you the same story, with them in your shoes: would you feel as protective of pete? People who have been victimized do tend to identify with their abuser at times; I’ve heard it called “fawn response”. It can be protective, and BTW I do think outing this asshole could be dangerous for you. Your concern for his feelings seems misplaced, but you’re instinct not to tell your roommates- though unfair- might be slowing Pete’s roll. But that said he’s definitely hurting you anyway: he’s hurt your mental health, he’s made your living situation uncomfortable despite you trying very hard not to do the same to him. He’s definitely affected your diet: that “prank” with your food was not a prank. It is really important for you to eat when you need to. You’ve been HOSPITALIZED twice since this: stress may be a factor, but you also know he’s messing with your food. Messing with your toothbrush is more than just gross- it’s unhygienic. It could make you very sick to put that in your mouth. He knows what he’s doing isn’t funny. It’s just bullying bc he’s attracted to you and hates himself. He’s his own problem, and luckily you can and will do a lot better than him. Let him stew in his own hateful closet.

    btw start keeping your toiletries in your room and get padlocks for when you’re out. You need to protect you and if you have to explain it, point out that you’ve been hospitalized and everyone saw his toothbrush video. Just taking some steps will actually help you feel better bc you’ll actually be safer. It will also give your roommates a way to back you up. It sounds like they see what’s going on in terms of the bullying. no one needs to know you’re sexual history bc it does NOT explain petes behavior AT ALL. Hes used homophobic language with molly too: its a problem with Pete. You don’t need to explain when this started to state (and hold) your boundaries.

    They are at least:
    – security in your home. No one should touch your property without permission. Though you may have started out trying to be good faith, obviously that was not returned to you. So now you want your things locked up and off limits. This includes the mail slot. You can point this out in a house meeting without accusing pete- just say someone keeps putting fucked up stuff in your mail area and it’s upsetting you. You can say you’ve been depressed, and it’s true, and it will deflect any attempt to minimize this as a joke- right now you don’t have the bandwidth and it’s not a joke. Flatmates don’t have to share a sense of humor but they do need to have basic respect. As with your toiletries and everything in your room- it is your personal property.
    – your diet is absolutely inviolable. You must be able to plan your meal times. This is not okay and you have every right to assert this. You could ask that pete not be in the kitchen when you’re cooking bc you don’t trust him after the toothbrush and frozen food incidences. You don’t want a hostile environment, but you’d like space for your feelings. Agree to work around his need to access the kitchen, but I’m sure everyone else will agree that you have completely retreated to your room. There can be a compromise here. Messing with someone’s food can be a felony, especially if he knows you have a medical condition.
    – you have a right to not be exposed to hate speech in your home, especially directed to a group you’re a part of. explain that hate speech about sexuality is not funny to you. It’s abusive and in the us, where I live, it is not protected by free speech. You cant police petes language but you can use this to support your request for time in the kitchen without him. You do not have to be available for someone to use words at or around you that hurt you. It’s not an attack to state your feelings and preferences. Minimizing or turning this around on you- which are likely- are examples of emotional abuse.

    You don’t have to explain why any of this started. If people ask say ” I don’t know” and look pete dead in the eyes. Regardless of what started it, you don’t want to feel like this or be treated like this in your home.

    Please open up to the therapist about what happened. You are not breaking petes trust if you tell a therapist. They’re there so you can tell them things you can’t tell other people.

    I was raped when i was 18, and I also made a lot of excuses and constructed a version of events wherein I consented. Your consent sounds like how I viewed myself until I was forced into therapy. The shame you’re feeling might be because you were more violated than you’re ready to process right now in this situation. You did nothing wrong, and being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. Most first times having sex are disappointing. I hope you can process and understand this differently, so you can have a better sex life. And for the record, I’ve majorly recovered from my trauma. You learn from it, but you can get better. And I work with other people with pts. There’s a good chance you can help someone else if you learn from this and push through. I’m really rooting for you.

24. I remember your previous post and was thinking of it not to long ago. You need to talk the uni’s well-being services about exactly what happened. He sexually assaulted you, harassed you, created an environment where you are now paranoid in a place you should feel safe. Him messing with your food put your life at risk. You have to take the hard steps to protect yourself….

25. I commented on your previous posts and I am going to comment the same thing again.

    You need to clearly explain your RA, university student office, counselor and tutor what happened. Go talk with tham today. He raped you. Bullied you. SAd you again. You need to let people know about it, it is the only way you can get help. Then you will be moved to a new flat ASAP, university and tutor will figure out your class situation, counselor will help you understand why do you tolerate it and keep covering up your abuser.

    Do you understand that you pretending that nothing happened will not stop him? It will actually prove to him that there will be no consequences and his behavior will escalate?

    After the rape he already tried to assault you again, he bullied you hard, you are afraid to get out of your room. What else are you waiting for? Would you prefer to die from diabetic coma at 18 because you are afraid of him so much and feel uncomfortable to talk about the rape?

    There is a huge difference in ” I want to move to a new flat” and “my flatmate raped me and keep bullying me, it is unsafe for me there, I need to move asap”. Or “I want to drop from this class even though I committed to it before” and “one of my classmates raped me and I am afraid to take this class and see him and need help to rearrange the schedule to never see him again”.