Rebuilding Trust and Respecting Her Healing Process

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married, going on 6 years, and together for close to 9 years. Before we even moved in together we agreed to share financials, account, etc. For her this was a comfort to know that we are on the same page regarding future goals (house, trips, savings, and eventual marriage) and for myself it was to be a team and clearly show that I am in the relationship for the long haul. Our financial pasts could not be different, I spent all of my 20s working on the road making more money than I could imagine (and spending it like it was always going to be there). My wife worked herself through her 20s and school working a minimum of two jobs and never feeling that she could get to the goal of complete financial independence until much later in life.

​

I have always struggled with this for the entire relationship. At first I was a narcissistic and entitled person towards her, fighting and bringing up that “I make more and this isn’t fair” when we discussed my spending or requests for “fair” personal money. It took a couple years of couples therapy, individual therapy, and finally seeing how it was destroying my wife inside before I grew up and realized that I was failing us. In that time frame I was using a personal credit card and paying it off with my personal spending, but it got out of control. In my eyes $1,500\~ in credit card debt was manageable, but in this period of narcissistic behaviour did not consider her feelings and that this was a massive breach of trust. I came forward and after a long talk, plan to pay it off, and sharing of emotions it was made clear by her that she could not trust me anymore and I would have to work to regain that. Justified 100%.

​

Fast forward years; We have purchased a house, have a son, we have both grown in our careers and are on the fast track to the future that we always planned for. We still continue to have financial discussions that can break down. We make plans, budgets, always talk about major spending and since the incident years prior I no longer have any financial secrets that could “pop up” and send us to a emotional downward spiral. The common denominator during the failing planning and discussions is my frequent spending outside of the plan, albeit small amounts (not an excuse but a better detail of the situation) the frequency is the red flag for her.

At this point in our financial planning (years post incident) I was under the impression that I had shown that I was no longer a risk to hide financials or break that trust again. I am still learning and after being diagnosed with ADHD/Anxiety and being medicated in the last year I feel that I have come a long way in actually LISTENING rather than just “being present” in the planning and processing. Yesterday it feels as if that is no longer the case. She text to let me know that a letter had arrived for me from a financial institution and she opened it. It stated that a payment was overdue and that I call them to schedule a payment. I knew of this overdue payment and had made a call to them prior to the letter being sent that I would send 75% of the payment and the following payment was already planned to be 3x the next expected amount. (We were not in financial trouble, just waiting for some incoming cash from selling a set of old tires).

I feel as though I am not walking the same path as my wife and there is more that she needs from me, be it emotional support, communication, clearer outlines or planning. We both work on ourselves with therapists and counselors, we have a marriage counselor that we see 1-2 times a month. I am supportive regarding her mental health, schooling, and our struggles with intimacy and love languages. I feel after yesterday’s mail opening that I still am on the fast track to being served papers for separation and it makes me sick to my stomach every day.

​

My question is to those who have broken the trust of their spouse in the past. How did you gauge your growth with your partner to better understand where you stood? I clearly missed the mark and there was a lack of communication and having that hard conversation “do you trust me?” was not had. How would you recommend I start again?

​

I never intend on hurting my wife. I always see the best in her and support her during her worst. I am not here to fix her or hold her hand down the “path I see best” and mould her to my vision. I see her struggles with her mental health, her image of herself, her internal struggles with school/work/child raising and offer support. I don’t want to lose my family.

​

Thank you.