Hello, I’m (29M) who is in a several month long relationship with my girlfriend (31F) and we started having sex a couple weeks ago \~2 times a day on average sometimes more, sometimes less. I was actually a virgin until this and for the most part it has gone really well, but I really seem to be struggling with being able to keep an erection or being able to get one at all.
I used to watch a lot of porn and probably was victim to death gripping but I cut both of those things out right when our relationship started so I’ve kind of eliminated this from being a potential reason as it’s been several months and I have absolutely no desire really to go back to that.
When we have sex I’d say about half the time or a little over half I’m either losing it, struggling to get it up, or kind of in-between and not fully hard. If I or her are not constantly touching my penis I’m not able to keep it up and it goes in and out with foreplay, I’ll go from fully hard to soft in seconds if I’m not being touched. I’ve even had times where I just go completely soft while she’s riding me.
Otherwise about the other half of the time its fuckin amazing and nothing is an issue, hell sometimes I can’t last more than a minute or two no matter how hard I try to not orgasm.
I also seem to be unable to use a condom, anytime I put one on by the time its on and we try to start I just go soft, I’m above average in size and girth so maybe the condoms I’ve bought are too small and its constricting blood flow but the issue is clearly not just with condoms as its happened without one.
I know a lot that gets suggested is that its just anxiety but I’m not sure its that. I have anxiety about other life things but more or less I’m pretty confident in myself. I’m not ever really going into foreplay/sex with her that anxious/nervous about any of it, sex has been surprisingly easy or easier than I thought it might be considering my age and the fact that I was a virgin. I don’t think any of my times of ED have ever been consecutively which is the part that really feels strange to me. If it was anxiety I feel like I’d be downward spiraling and never able to get it up but it feels like we’ll have one great round, followed by an ok one where I’m like halfway hard the whole time and then times where I just lose it constantly and eventually can’t get it back doing things that have worked previously. It almost feels cyclical at this point between the 3. There’s also times where we have sex several times in a couple hours and everything works as it should and times where we just have sex once that day and it just doesn’t work. I feel like I have a pretty high sex drive but I wonder if maybe somedays I’m just pushing it too far or trying to make it work if maybe I’m just not in the mood. On the other hand, for example, we’ve definitely had times where we both just wake up, tired, and start making out and it goes from there and there’s no issues at all, sure feels like we weren’t really in the mood then until we started kissing each other so I’m kind of lost.
I try to focus on how it feels and what she’s doing and little else but this doesn’t really seem to change anything, same mindset every time but different outcomes. Admittedly I was a major heavy daily drinker during most of my 20s and have been sober now for over a year but I seem to have some permanent issues with being able to focus that I assume will never go away so maybe I’m not focused/thinking about what I should be when we’re having sex even though I think that I am.
Thankfully I’m able to get her off with my fingers every time and she enjoys that but she said she also enjoys penetration a lot and has been close just from the few good times we’ve had doing that where I’m actually fully hard. She’s a very caring and understanding person and hasn’t said that she’s disappointed when I have issues but she struggles a bit with confidence, especially with her looks, and keeps blaming herself anytime I’m having problems. I’ve tried to tell her that this clearly isn’t it as we’ve had plenty of times where there aren’t any issues at all. I really, really like this girl, we get along amazingly, have similar interests, sense of humor, etc, its so easy, but I’m worried that it might cause problems down the road. Maybe its male fragility but even with her reassurance that it doesn’t bother her it’s hard to deny that times where we simply can’t make it work feels extremely deflating and disappointing.
I’m scheduled to talk to a urologist at the end of this month to schedule a vasectomy and might bring this up then.
Does anyone have any tips or ideas of things I could work on/think about that might be the issue or contributory? I’m still very new and inexperienced so any help would be appreciated.
TIA