TL;DR – Obsessing over a co-worker that I think I’ve placed on a pedestal and struggling to figure out how to move on from this.
Hi reddit,
In a bit of a difficult spot and hope I can get some advice from all of you. It has been going on for some time and I am struggling to figure out why I am unable to get over this.
As a bit of background, I work in a team of about 10 people on a project for about 8 months of the year. During October last year, a new girl joined our team. She has a lovely personality and we began to get close quite fast. We spoke a lot, went out for dinner on one evening and would generally text each other random things each day after work in the following months. During December, we both went away on holiday but remained in contact with each other through text/voice notes.
In January we both returned to work and due to the nature of our job, we spend a lot of time with each other. I’m several years ahead of her in my career and at this point, I would be considered to be her manager. From late December/early January I noticed that I had begun to develop feelings for her – young attractive girl with shared interests and we were getting along quite well so I felt it was natural that this would happen. I initially thought that this was somewhat mutual (I would receive ‘I miss you texts’ back during the holidays) and there has been a fair amount of physical contact between us. I was concerned that I was reading too much into it but these feelings were becoming a bit much. I began getting confused as we started speaking about our dating lives and she had expressed her frustration in meeting a long-term partner to settle down with, and a lot of the guys she meets are only interested in casual relationships. I spoke to her about my dating life too as I had been going on dates with other people. Towards late Jan/early Feb we had a catch up one evening and she had mentioned she met a guy at a party and her friends had encouraged her to pursue this, however she was concerned that he was only interested in a casual relationship as he recently got out of a long-term relationship. I felt really confused (potentially jealous too?) at this point so I decided to put some distance between us so I could sort out my feelings. I was leaning towards moving on and forgetting about her as I acknowledge that dating a co-worker can get messy in a professional environment.
A week later, this had been on my mind too much and I decided to tell her how I felt, regardless of the outcome as I thought with rejection I would be able to move on. I waited for her after work (oddly enough she had said she’s going on a date this evening) and expressed my feelings – unfortunately I was rejected. She said that she only sees me as her manager. I felt a bit hurt and I communicated that I understand, however to make it a bit easier I would prefer there to be distance between us and if we could stop all texting. She said that’s okay. The next morning she texted to say that she thinks she didn’t handle the situation very well but she appreciates me telling her my feelings but she would like to please keep things civil between us and remain as friends in the workplace. I did not respond to this.
I have remained professional in my work environment and focused on my job. I did not really speak to her or communicate much with her in the following two weeks, but slowly we had to begin speaking as normal due to our jobs. She would smile at me and I would smile back etc. Due to the nature of our roles, its very difficult to cut contact/avoid her completely.
Despite being rejected, as we started to communicate more and things slowly returned to normal by March in terms of our work relationship, I noticed that I have begun to obsess over her more. I constantly think about her to the point where it is unhealthy and I really want this to stop. I also feel slightly jealous of the other guy she is (or isn’t) seeing (I am assuming anything about her other relationships here) and may be sleeping with (again all assumptions in my head that I’ve been feeding into).
Over the past two weeks, we have been more talkative at work and especially more so over work IM and this has been feeding into my obsession. She is really comfortable with coming to ask me questions again and get assistance. I would always try to help her out in terms of her work allocation, a huge part of this was due to my feelings for her.
We had a work event last night and I had a few drinks. During the evening we spoke a lot and spent a lot of time with each other. I did hold her hand at various points of the evening and it was generally playful between us. Although I did compliment her a few times and may have given her too much attention. At one point we were sitting outside together and she acknowledged that she understands its probably difficult for me but she also really misses her best friend. I can’t really remember what I replied but I did say its been difficult for me to. She left about 30 minutes later. I was hoping to leave together with her but she said she was going to see a friend (this was around 10PM). I felt a bit jealous and sad due to overthinking and assuming she was going to see another guy she may be dating – I know this is completely irrational but this is how I felt. I feel like she is enjoying the attention I give her and the best friend relationship she has with me but is not interested in me romantically.
I have been waking up in the mornings thinking about this situation and it’s really not good for me. I want to get past this and stop obsessing over her. I have been quite focused on fitness and the gym which has been a healthy outlet. Work keeps me busy but she’s unfortunately a bit part of the work day. I really want to move on with my life and not feel this frustration and have this obsession any longer.
A few other points:
\- After my first breakup when I was around 24, I noticed a similar pattern of obsession with my ex (toxic individual who ultimately cheated on me and rejected me after a year of being together). I am not sure if this has anything to do with an anxious attachment style.
\- I am a virgin. I am not sure if this is why I have a weird feeling (jealousy?) about her (in my imagination) having other partners. This is another matter on its own – I simply have not felt ready to do this with anyone until recently. I have had the opportunity to do so in the past but I simply wasn’t ready. I must admit, I have built up this idea that my ‘first time’ is really special and it should be with someone I truly love and care for, although I think this may be an unhealthy/toxic idea of sex.
\- In terms of my own self-esteem, I have had low points but I am making an effort to fix this through fitness and other areas I may feel insecure about.
Do I begin to reduce the amount of time I spend with her, speak to her and IM her (it’s really difficult)?
Would I benefit from therapy with regards to the above?
I would welcome any advice in order to get over this as I have reached a point of frustration and not sure what to do any longer.