I’m 28f and my husband is 23m we’ve been married now 3years and have had 3 children and I am pregnant with our 4th.
We’re Christian and have sought counselling with our church leader and honestly everyone including my parents believe it shouldn’t be up for discussion wether or not I should stay with him after finding out he has had very vivid dreams and sexual thoughts about my younger sister who is a year younger then him. We are constantly fighting and his anger is so out of control, he takes his frustration of me out on our eldest son and it kills me both mentally and physically I am drained. My family say things like “we’ll you chose him” and “he’s only part our lives because of you” now I’m not perfect I’m not a very feminine women I know I can be very assertive and crude with not only my word but my actions. I’ve been trying so hard to stick by him and mover forward from this but when I stare too long in the mirror I look stressed out, tired and all round feel ugly I can’t even take a shower with our thinking of how ugly my body is and think of all the reasons why he’s found interest in my younger sister. It disgusts me especially because of a previous situation that I myself being married had went through and confided in him about but that’s another story I know people will just leave him, just leave I can’t work I have no savings and honestly part of me still loves him and just wishes he’ would change for me but I know that’s a stretch because of you wanted to he would right? Anyway I don’t really know why I’m writing this I just wished maybe someone that could relate could give me some advice cause I’m really so depressed and hurt by the whole situation I feel like I don’t understand why it’s me that has to go thru this
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I’m Christian too. Even so, I would seek individual counseling from a professional. God can work through doctors/healthcare too and this includes psychologists and certified counselors. Basically someone more educated in psychology than a pastor.
No disrespect to pastors/church leaders- sometimes they can offer excellence guidance and tell you exactly what you need to hear. And a pastor isn’t necessarily a bad counselor, but this particular person is not being receptive to you right now. This even happens sometimes with certified counselors which may also benefit from changing counselors as well.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s not right. I’m sorry you are not getting emotional support in any way. That’s why I think you would also benefit from individual therapy. Like you said, if he wanted to change, he would. Well, he didn’t. He is hurtful towards you (and your son) and if he’s not willing to change, you need to make the change. Your only other option is enduring the rest of your life in this sad way. So go to individual therapy, get the support you need, and see where it goes from there.
If there is any women in your church or social circle who have been through a divorce, or even just moms who have children out of wedlock who are no longer with the father, it may be a good time to make connections there and see if they can offer you any advice. I know divorce is “hush hush” in the church, but they do exist within the congregation. At least they do in all of the churches I’ve been to across several denominations.
Whether divorce is on your mind or not is your business, but as far as I’m concerned, your husband has already broken your wedding vows “to love and to cherish.”
And last but not least, I hope anything I said may offer you some help. But that was all said assuming he is not being abusive/ a threat to you and/or the children. If this is the case, you need to leave now. Not sure what “taking out frustrations” on you/your son means, but if it means physical violence or verbal abuse, that is LIFELONG damage to a child and you need to flee for the sake of your kids. OR If they witness him abusing you, that can be equally as damaging to impressionable children. You may want to research something called “financial abuse” as well.
Sending prayers.