In my long term healthy relationship with a very loving partner when i am really down i want to be hurt physically like slapped and degraded told I’m worthless and that he hates me to feel some emotional pain. I think i use it as a form of self harm. He checks in and makes sure i know he doesn’t mean it at all and he also doesn’t know that I’m depressed as I’m good at keeping it to myself to prevent worry. Does anyone have any reasoning to why I do this. It almost is like I want to feel worse because I feel like I deserve it?