I (33 F) am having difficulty with my husband (38 M) and am contemplating divorce. I am going to preface the fact that I am in therapy and we are going to marriage counseling, but it feels like the writing is on the wall. My husband, let’s call him Andy, and I have the same fights over and over again. I feel like I cannot rely on him. Recently, my mom tried to commit suicide (twice in a three month period). It felt unbearable. I talk about it and he rolls his eyes. Says he is frustrated. Andy isn’t doing the work to make sure she is stable and taken care of. I’m asking him to support me while I support her.
He says he will do things and when I come home, they are unfinished. Offered to hang my curtains while I was on a business trip. Got home and they were not done. I asked him what he wanted to do this weekend, he said that he wanted to work on the house (we just moved). He complained the entire time. So much so, I asked him to walk away and that I would do it. Our work ethics are very different.
I told him that I felt frustrated and unloved. He asked me what he could do, he said he knows my love language is acts of service. He said he would meal plan for the week. He called me at while he was at the grocery store to help him. He needs direction and guidance and I so desperately want to be taken care of. It is so frustrating constantly being the leader. He said that he is used to being told what to do and doesn’t mind it. I explain that he is a grown man and I don’t want to do it anymore. This is the fight that happens over the last 10 years. He gets better then regresses. I initiate all sex. I feel like he doesn’t desire me like I desire him. I recently found out that he is addicted to porn. He chose a fantasy over me. He blamed me for reasons why we weren’t having sex. I feel so unhappy, but what if this is the best I can get? I get that everyone has flaws but are these just red flags?
My therapist said that if I go through with divorce then I need to be ok with being single for the rest of my life. Not that I would be, but I can’t plan on meeting someone else. I have someone now, but is it worth feeling this crappy about myself. I would love to know some unbiased opinions.
5 comments
Your therapist isn’t too wrong
He has a porn addiction… Makes a lot of sense but what is he doing to address it and the causes for his addiction
That’s great you are in therapy but he is the one with the addiction and he needs a therapist or he will keep in these cycles till he is alone from everyone.
What do you do…. Get him info to help himself and you start focusing on yourself and your healing and bettering yourself.
Your husband may have Adult ADHD.
If he does have Adult ADHD and is not treating (strategies and medication), this may be a major source of your marriage’s tensions.
> My therapist said that if I go through with divorce then I need to be ok with being single for the rest of my life.
I’m sorry, but WHAT? Maybe there was context there or they worded it badly, but that sentence on it’s own screams “get a new therapist” to me. I could see if maybe they meant something along the lines of “be ready to accept a worse case scenario of being single” but still, it almost sounds like they’re pushing you to stay in the marriage simply because the alternative is being single and I really can’t see how that could be beneficial to you.
As for your husband, people change when they want to change. Sometimes that change happens simply because one partner asks another. A lot of the time, it takes significant pressure or unfavorable outcomes to drive that change. And sometimes, people resist change no matter what the pressure.
From the sounds of it, he grew up being led and ordered around and told how to live life. This means he never truly learned how to be an adult and he has no interest in learning now. Except if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to learn. I wish I had magic words you could tell him to get him to realize that, but in the end, he has to want to change for it to actually happen.
It’s not the best you can get. But you have to reject this to get better, you know? If you accept this, you won’t get better.
When he called for help at the store, did you help him? I probably would’ve said, “whatever you come up with will be great. Any meals I don’t have to think about are great meals. Thanks!”
Your therapist is right. That’s true for all of us. But alone and happy can be better than taking care of a childish grown up.
By Reddit standards, this marriage seems shockingly healthy.