I’ve (22F) recently been seeing a guy (34M) for about a month now. He’s extremely sweet, respectful and a complete gentleman. He’s put so much effort in, planning cute dates, paying for everything, texting consistently, buying me little gifts.
However, I just got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist about 6 months ago. I’ve been in therapy since and am aware of all the red flags and signs to look out for now but maybe I’ve been a little bit too paranoid during my attempts to date since the relationship ended. My biggest worry is the age gap between me and the guy I’m currently dating. All of his ex girlfriends have been around the same age as him but he says he’s not bothered by the age gap and dates based off personality. He was not aware of my age when he first asked me out. He works in mental health and has been very understanding of the fact that im a little on edge when it comes to dating. I’m just not sure whether the age difference is a red flag or if I’m being paranoid because of my previous experiences.
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Since you’re already in therapy, maybe you should be talking to your therapist about this stuff and the relationship. Reddit will, and always has, freaked out over and gap relationships. Even ones that appear healthy.
What’s his job in mental health?
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This is already quite a large age gap which would put me on the cautious side (think of it this way, if you dated someone with the same age gap but the other way you would be dating a 10 year old. How much has happened in that space of time? How much do you hope to grow and change before 34?)
The absolute line for me would be you are vulnerable, even without the age gap. You have just got out of a bad relationship, 6 months really isn’t that long. Do YOU feel confident in your ability to judge people and look out for yourself at the moment? I know if I had gone through what you did it would take me longer then 6 months to be in a good enough place to make relationship decisions.
The final big glaring flag for me is him being a social worker. He KNOWS this isn’t okay, and he’s doing it anyway. IF his intentions were good he would have recognised it may be right person but is NOT the right time. And called it off.
Info: When he asked you out, was he aware of you being in therapy/ had an abusive relationship?
Abusers target former victims. If he was aware, I’d see it as a red flag.
That said: Be careful and talk to your therapist about anything you feel uncomfortable about in regards to you relationship with that guy. You might struggle to name why it was uncomfortable or even recognizing behaviour that is not ok, so talk about it to make sure you are not on a slippy slide.
Make sure, the guy accepts all you “No”s, does not punish you for them, does not make you the problem. You should at the same time be aware, that you could turn out to be abusive as well, because your views on normal got screwed.
The age gap itself is just a number. What’s important is if you feel compatible, and have fun together. If so, then you found what everyone is looking for, and no need to give it up.
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My husband is almost 10 years older than me and we have a great relationship.
Age gaps between adults are not inherently bad. They’re a red flag that should make you consider other aspects of the relationship like the power dynamics and levels of maturity and the alignment of values and goals.
They can often be bad because it’s more likely that the older partner leverages their experience and position to control or overstep boundaries. Or if each of the parties are in very different stages of life. It’s also often a clue that the older partner is much less mature than they should be.
But none of those things are necessarily true every time. As long as your relationship is healthy and balanced and you’re happy, there’s no problem.
I will say that combined with your more vulnerable mental state and his career as a social worker, I’d consider the whole situation a pretty big red flag. But again, that’s not inherently a problem, just a lot of clues that there could be issues here.
**It’s not about the age difference** (as long as everyone’s an adult), it’s about imbalance.
There are two forms of imbalance: power and life stage
**Power**: Often the older person is more secure financially and career-wise and it can lead to the younger person’s ambitions being stifled and lead to financial dependency and abuse. Older person doesn’t take younger persons views into consideration and make them feel like they don’t have a say in anything. There’s a viewpoint that men like younger women because they are easier to manipulate which may be true.
**Life Stage**: People can be attracted to each other but their life stages are too different to mesh. E.g. kids – younger person wants kids, older person doesn’t want or can’t have; younger person doesn’t want kids yet, older person feels time is running out. Younger person wants to travel and go clubbing, older person wants to watch a movie and have an early night; younger person wants to build their career, older person wants to travel.
And so on. It’s not necessarily about the number of times you’ve been round the Sun, it’s about how you interact as people. The gap can have consequences over when a couple has kids or not, when they retire or not, and ultimately someone in the 50s ends up putting their older partner in a nursing home.
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Back to you – Your age difference isn’t massive but you and your BF should discuss what staying together will mean as far as what you want out of life and career because that 12 year offset could impact things.
I say go with it. If you see signs where it could be abusive, that is when you need to get out.
The rule: he is probably using you and knows the power imbalance in this relationship is too his advantage.
The exception: that he is a genuinely nice, knows how to navigate the relationship fairly/equally, and wants a life long happy equal marriage.
What are the odds he is actually the exception?
I don’t see the red flags yet, but I can show you where to look.
I suggest that you look for signs that Guy I’m Seeing regards you as the Junior Partner – the lesser of two equals. For that, I suggest occasionally flipping the script, and seeing how he reacts when YOU plan a date, or at least play an equal role in planning one. Or when YOU grab the check, saying it’s your turn to pay. Or when you give HIM a gift. If any of these things dampen his ardor, there’s your red flag.
If taking any of these actions dampens YOUR ardor, that’s also a red flag. Yes, I understand wanting to be valued, pursued and romanced. This is why I said “occasionally.” But please understand that the red flags you’re looking for may require that you leave your comfort zone to find them. If you aren’t ready to do that, you might as well pull the plug now, before you get in any deeper.
It’s a red flag.
> am aware of all the red flags and signs to look out for now
TBH with you, I don’t think you are nearly as aware of all the red flags as you think you are. You’ve only gotten out of *an abusive* relationship for 6 months and only started therapy shortly after. At 6 months I highly doubt you are mentally recovered from abusive, which is not a shame totally understandable. However someone who is interested in you and 12 years older than you when you are in your early 20s is definitely not something someone would call a “green” flag. There is an immense power imbalance especially while you are still recovering from an abusive relationship that happened 6 MONTHS ago.
Focus on fully healing yourself in therapy, this guy might not have ill intentions but the chances of him having one are far bigger than him not having it.