Is anyone else unsure about what they want/like sexually, because of all the people pleasing they did their whole lives?

15 comments

1. I’m a dude, but my background was a similar thing. I spent 16 years with someone not invested in their own sexuality (or in meeting mine) so I figured out what I enjoy doing to others, but never what I enjoyed myself. Those fantasies and desires got locked away.

   I got involved in the kink scene. The kink scene has a lot of kinks, but it also just has a lot of very friendly, sex positive, enthusiastic people who are great to explore with and learn from. Even if you don’t engage with anyone, sometimes those communities can be good to find as there is a lot of good free resources generously put out there.

2. I’m a guy but this is so me.

3. Oh following to see if there are any good recommendations. I’m in my forties and having a husband who doesn’t judge has really been enlightening. The more I research and embrace certain things I find a turn on the more I want to experiment and try new things. It’s made me feel sexier and more confident in myself.

4. SAME. I’m 33 and I’m just now realizing that being submissive isn’t necessarily my kink, it’s just all I’ve known. Following to hear what others think.

5. Preaching to the choir
   I find myself fantasizing scenarios where I’m submissive and make an imaginary dom but then I wonder are these qualities I want in another person or in myself? Do I even like this dynamic or do I just do it because it feels logical.

   There was a time I thought I hit a breakthrough where the idea of someone being open and shameless about their sexuality as well as encouraging of mine was my thing but now I just think that was taking a lid off a lot of repressed feelings. Truthfully it feels like what I like fluctuates and I get so in my head I won’t find anyone else willing to explore what I like with me that I retreat inward and can’t even enjoy time with myself.

   It’s very frustrating. If anyone has advice/shared experience of how you discovered yourself in this sense please share.

6. I am also a guy, 17 and thats me

7. People pleasing, wanting to submit can in itself be what you enjoy but you can also explore other things you enjoy too.

8. Read the “Burning Desires” series. I think it’s by Michael Holloway. “The Metronome” is my favorite.

9. I totally agree. I would recommend some self exploration or even books on women’s sexuality or self-pleasure. It’s a lot easier to figure out what you like when there isn’t another person in the room. Take things slow and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to reach some kind of finish line. Just spend some time figuring out what feels good. I spent years people pleasing and not knowing what I really wanted but with exploration, practice, and communication I now know what I like and ask for it without shame

10. Yup. Right here. I was literally just batching to my husband in the passed couple hours about this exact issue. I have spent so much of my life trying to be better for others or fulfill their own fantasies that I have 0 idea what my own fantasies, desires, or limitations are.

11. I can somewhat relate to your query as I am, and always have been, quite focused on my partner’s pleasure. There isn’t anything wrong with this, as there is something enjoyable, even pleasurable about being able to give and share in someone’s pleasure. Though you may have already thought about that, and that really isn’t going to help in finding possible other pieces of self revelation.

    So, first, be willing to be honest with yourself. This is something that can be tough for some, as we don’t always like to admit things to ourselves, and sex can definitely wind up being a hang up where we find shame (even though we shouldn’t). Second, think about the fantasies you enjoy if it is just you by yourself. What are the things that provide that spark for you?

    Now, realize that there are fantasies we want to experience, and fantasies that simply spark something for us. Examine this… and if it is the former, then you have something to explore. If it is the later, then it may simply be a matter of finding a partner that will listen to your fantasies, with the understanding of you wanting it to be a fantasy… but one you can share while playing together?

    Hoping there is something here in this that might help you find something, and wishing you the best of luck in your explorations!

12. What really helped me was watching all kinds of porn, you will get a taste of what you really like…. I learnt i have a foot fetish love women’s feet as an example

13. I have never thought about my own desires.
    I have always just initiated and let the moments flow.
    I have no hangups whatsoever and am open to whatever the partner desires.
    Has worked successfully for me over many years.

14. Uh, yes, absolutely!

15. You’ve literally just summed up what I’ve been trying to tell my therapist for years.