My sex life started late, my actual girlfriend is the first person that I maintained an active sexual life with, before her I got maybe 2 encounters so at my late age I don’t know what is normal and what no, I don’t know if I should be horny all time (like I usually was before, I could jerk once per day) since I started with her our first encounter was catastrophe, I couldn’t go hard because of my nervousness. She patiently said “is ok, we try tomorrow” (we weren’t nothing by then) so “tomorrow” I needed to fix my problem yes or yes and I quite didn’t know by then my anxiety was the problem, that I figure out later with the time and yea getting to know myself…
So to fix my problem I found out that erection pills will help me, and here in the Netherlands where I live is very easy to get them, so without her knowing I ran the next day bought them and started to use them, and everything fine with them I got my erections finally I got the sex that I had years craving for… but all thanks to this pills…
The time passed and I continue to use this magic pills (without her being aware of it), but then I found ourselves fucking almost every day, so I got her used to this my “libido”. But it wasn’t quite me, they were the pills doing the job… of course I was horny and I could cum like crazy (how I would do if I’m alone, I have a very big libido), but pills were bringing me the erections and I could feel how at some point of the encounter I could really feel relaxed but not at the beginning there I could sweat liters…
She has a lot of experience in sex and she has had a lot of man’s before, she is also very hot, kinda “out of my league” hot.
Now from a year that we have together I decided 2 months ago or so trying to leave these pills because I realize the problem is my anxiety and nervousness about the sex itself, but then I start having again this episodes since I know that the erection depends totally on me, like my brain is telling me in the background: “you don’t have the pills, your are gonna go soft” “she should be with a man hotter than you” “for sure she got fucked better than this and without pills” and is like my own self is sabotaging me… is so annoying and I know is maybe stupid to read and you guys would say just like “come on bro just chill why you say this stuff to yourself” but I cannot control it, once I’m out of the act it’s easy for me to relax and to understand that I shouldn’t think like this, but the second I get naked this thinkings starts.
She is very comprehensive and I don’t think she is the problem.
I get horny during the day only by looking at her, but the second I need to start “playing” I get this blockades that are so difficult to get rid of😰
So I’m coming here because I really need to hear if this is normal, if you guys also got situations like this in your life or if you guys have any advice how to not f**ing think about my dick getting soft, is like my brain starts bringing me all this situations where I failed and I start being so so rude with myself, and all this while she is there with her legs open… is just so wrong.
I know that I shouldn’t have start with these pills in a beginning but now it’s to late… I feel like I cannot go hard without them and I know deep inside that I can, but I just cannot find the way to convince myself of that.
Please guys any advice or questions is well received, feel free.
3 comments
Have her play with your prostate.
People with anxiety overthink everything, and it makes them anxious.
You also realize your thoughts about losing your erection are self-fulling (sabotaging) and causing you to lose your erection. This vicious loop is very common with anxiety.
You understand that your thoughts and the way you think are the problem.
You have cognitive distortions, which are illogical thoughts. You are thinking;”If I don’t take a pill to maintain my erection then I won’t be able to stay hard, and I’m going to lose this beautiful woman. There are two cognitive distortions here: catastrophizing, which means you think something bad is going to happen, and your predicting it is going to happen. A good example is if I get on a plane, then it’s going to crash, and I’m going to die. You don’t know that the plane is going to crash! There is a slim chance it will, but you’re more likely to get killed in the way to the airport in a car.
How do you change your thinking? Cognitive behavioral therapy will really help and change the way you think. Find a therapist that will have you do exercises a couple times a week to change the way you think.
The worst thing you can do when you lose you erection or get anxious is judge yourself, get up, and get angry. It reinforces the anxiety and guarantees that you won’t get hard soon. Just relax, accept it, don’t react to it, and take a deep breath. Please her with your mouth and fingers so she is happy. Cuddle a little bit, and when you relax, you’ll get hard again.
I think you have to come clean and tell her everything. Relationships are built on trust and sharing, and that means both she needs to trust you and share with her, AND you have to trust her to know the truth, and share the burden of this with her.
I honestly think a big chunk of this anxiety is about having to have this secret and fear about her finding out and her reaction.
Here’s the thing though. You have done nothing wrong. It’s not bad or wrong to not be able to get or keep an erection. It’s not wrong to feel nervous and want to get some help from a pill so you can have sex with your hot girlfriend. It is totally normal to worry about not being sexually experienced and worry about wanting to please your partner.
Penises can’t get hard on command, and sometimes they are soft when we don’t want them to be. (And I guess sometimes they get hard when we don’t want them to also, lol). Dicks also often cum faster or slower than we want. Our bodies are not machines. We are not in complete control. You need to accept this about your own body and not hold yourself responsible for things you can’t 100% control.
Bouncing off the comment above about Cognitive Distortions, you are experiencing unhealthy guilt and shame, which means you are feeling bad about something not your fault, and feeling like there is something wrong with you. You have let this cause separation and distance from her. Healthy guilt, perhaps about not being honest, pushes you to make it right and get closer to her.
If you can open up and be honest about your fears and worries, you can make a plan together. Sex does not need a hard dick. Take the pressure off you that you have to be perfectly hard to have a fun, pleasurable time for both of you. I don’t know if you GF can only cum from penetration, but most women want and need oral or other stimulation to cum. Work on your skills and play there, as well as with massage, mutual touching and making out, it’s a whole world of sex that does not need a hard dock. You might find that changing your focus and taking the pressure off might mean you get hard. Maybe not every-time, but either way you can have a good sexual experience and connection.