25M. There was a time when it was a life goal to find the right wife After spending my early 20s a depressed, insecure mess, delving into social media constantly feeling down over body standards, I’ve become pretty messed up.
Now, all I want in my life is to be desired by women. Nothing would give me a greater sense of satisfaction. I have a great job, I work out regularly, I have my own things I’m doing. But I just feel incredibly undesired. I mean it’s not as bad as it used to be; I’ve come to realize my value in the past year or two and had some experience dating.
I feel extremely insecure about my looks. I understand I could improve my personality, but my depression is really a physiological issue that severely interferes with my social life. I have zero reason to be sad – it sincerely is a chemical issue, possibly food related or something. But when bad things happen in my social life, it only piles on to the depression.
Currently I’m still trying to figure out my physical looks. Changing my clothes a bit, upping my skin care routine, grooming more often, cutting weight more to improve my mediocre face genetics, etc.
But at the end of the day, I’m no Chris Hemsworth or Timothee Chalamet and I never will be. It bugs the shit out of me to see the guys who are so desired by women primarily because of their ridiculous looks, then be told that it’s entirely personality. Like, I know I could eventually find a woman I can settle down with, but it’d be nice if I didn’t have to rely on blind luck and actually had my pick of the litter. Is that too much to ask?
7 comments
Your premise is largely projection. Are attractive men desired by women? Of course they are. Do you desire attractive women? Don’t sit here and tell me you don’t.
But then you suggest it’s “entirely personality?” What on earth is that based on? Who said that?
You then finish by further calling out your hypocrisy. You want your “pick of the litter.” What does that mean?
unfortunately the reality is it is a lot of blind luck. it sounds like you’re doing a lot of good things to “increase” that luck, but that’s all we can really do. maybe try doing more different things to what you have been? cooking classes or volunteering for example. besides that you have to work on feeling satisfied while
by yourself. you may not think so but being content on your own will also help you when you do get into a relationship as well. keep up the good work and good luck.
People at the level you speak of often get used instead of happiness. Most people have their struggles to overcome no matter what. Lots of women look for a good provider; if you are one, you should still have excellent luck, yes?
Hey bud I feel your pain. Dating is hard AF at times, and when you’re depressed or somewhat insecure about your own attractiveness level, it makes it 10x harder than normal.
I have a few tips for you that I hope can help you on your journey. These are just suggestions. Take what you like and discard the rest.
– Mental health is intrinsically linked to our physical health. They both affect each other. So if you want to improve one, make sure to also focus on the other. Food choices, exercise / sports, and sleep all play a big role here. I recommend checking out the book “Spark” which is about this topic. Very good read.
– Be as social as you have time for / manage. Talking to other people about your struggles is one of the best ways we know how to improve mental health. This is why almost any sort of therapy works when tested. Because they all involve talking to someone about our problems and being heard. This doesn’t mean you should only talk about your problems and Trauma-dump all your shit onto others. But it’s good to open up and be vulnerable from time to time. Humans are social creatures and we need to be social to function well.
– We know from studies that social media can be bad for mental health, depending on how it is used. If you use it for social comparison, especially upwardly social comparison, that tends to be the worst for our mental health. So if you have any apps that trigger this, maybe delete them. Or at least be mindful in regards to how you use them to limit your social comparison as much as you can. Instead of focusing on the success others are having, focus your attention on your own progress and learning.
Best of luck 🙂
1 – Attaching validation from women to your ego can be a slippery slope, in the sense that it can really affect how you perceive/view yourself when women reject you or lack interest, which will only worsen your insecurities.
2 – Attractive men will have some level of success based solely on their looks, but that only goes so far. It might get you noticed, but women decide whether you’re attractive or not through picking up on your sub-communication, reading your behavioural cues and actions, and like you depending on how you make them feel, which goes further than just how you look. Keep in mind, generalizing here, but those really attractive guys who rely solely on their looks to meet women, lack depth as opposed to guys that have to work a little bit harder to meet women, which in turn, will attract women more.
3 – It’s always good to look after how you look etc, and dressing well always helps, but also check your mindset and how you may be coming across when you do meet women. Your overall vibe/energy.
you need therapy my dude
I’m in somewhat the same boat.
Im not looking for a partner, I don’t really want a relationship rn.
I do get hit on pretty often, and just knowing I can score is enough satisfaction for me.
If I was invisible, my ego would probably take a big hit. Fortunately that’s not the case