I’m a regular here but I’m using a throwaway since my partner uses Reddit and knows the names of my accounts.
I (30F) and my partner (29M) have been married for almost 9 years, and this morning I accidentally let my feelings show after a rough time getting our son ready for school.
This morning I woke up with my alarm to stomach issues at 6:30a, which is when I usually get up to get our son ready for school. After spending a while on the toilet I try to wash up at the sink and knock my only shaver, which is non-waterproof, into the sink. While I’m trying to wipe it off and shake it out, I hear a loud crash across the apartment. I quickly put my shaver down to go and check on what happened because my 6yo and 1yo sleep in the same room and was afraid someone might be hurt. As it turned out, the sound came from the kids restroom, and I opened the door to my son trying to stick the towel rack back into what’s now two large holes in the drywall where the towel rack used to be attached. At this point we’re nearing 30m out from our usual departure time so I start looking for clothes for our son to get him out of his pajamas. Unfortunately for us, our apartment complex stuck us in an apartment that had a leaking washing machine which had caused a huge mold issue. I handle our finances and manage our family’s relationship with the property management and after a month of waiting for them to check it out, they disassembled it and decided it needed to be replaced and left it in pieces. Their proposed deadline to replace it was almost a week ago so we’re pretty much out of clothes.
My partner finally wakes up because at this point the baby is crying. They give the baby some cereal on a plate and put it with him in his crib, then go back to bed. At this point I’m frantically searching through boxes of clothes that are still boxed up from our move over a month ago. I have maybe 5m left before when we usually leave- around 7:30a. I looked on the counter and saw that our son’s homework from last night wasn’t done. The reason being is because I’ve spent the past few days trying to catch up on work related training because I’m behind, and if I want to still be employed (as I’m the only breadwinner in the household), I need to get this training done. I should have started on this months ago, but this is what happens when I don’t step entirely away from work when work is done- neglect. I finally find clothes for our son and while he’s getting dressed I knelt down to put my shoes on. There’s not much space to maneuver because all of our stuff has taken up the entire living room with not a single box having been unpacked, so we typically get ready to go near the breakfast bar which separates the kitchen from the living room. I check the time and see that it’s well past time to leave.
I stand up quickly because I’m rushing at this point and SLAM the back of my head into the granite countertop. I essentially let out what can only be described as a whelp and rush back to my closet in my room to grab my son his hoodie. My partner, woken up from the bang, me crying out, and rushing into our room sat up and asked “are you okay?”, to which I snapped back “what do you care?”. Whoops.
They shouted “seriously?” and since then have been giving me the silent treatment. I apologized, explaining that this has been a particularly challenging morning, but they ignored me and went back to bed. I apologized, but the more I reflect on this morning, the more I realize how much I meant it. I meant it for the fact that my 1yo would spend all day in his crib if I didn’t get him out or tell my partner to get him out. I meant it for the fact that I have always been saddled with the lion’s share of everything- moving, working, chauffeuring, finances, hell I even make my partner’s doctor’s appointments for them. They’ve been taking care of the dishes once every few days, and we have valet trash which they also handle. That’s more than they’ve ever done and kept up with on a regular basis and this has been true for the past 3 months of our 9 year relationship so I feel bad for criticizing them. I’ve tried talking to them about picking up more of the load a couple of years ago and it did not go well. It went so badly that I’ve not brought it up again. I didn’t get much of a chance to speak as the discussion got turned around to focusing on how inconsiderate I am of them and their feelings.
My partner says that if I need help, I should ask them for help instead of getting upset over it, but I don’t feel like the default should be me doing \*everything\* and them only getting involved when I need help and ask nicely for it. I really don’t know what to do. My partner is mad at me. My son’s school is going to be mad at me when they see his homework isn’t done. My work is mad at me for being behind in training, and I could lose my job. I’m mad at me for not being as strong willed as I used to be. It’s been this way for years- idk if I can keep going like this anymore. I don’t have any friends around here so it’s not like I have someone to go to- not sure I’d have the energy to maintain a friendship at this point anyways. Therapists are all booked out for months. I’m just stuck. Any ideas on where to go from here?
27 comments
What the fuck does your so-called partner bring to the table? I’m baffled by this marriage. Why is he just sleeping through this?
Sit down for like 10 – 15 minutes everyday for the next week writing out what life you want to have. Not what life you think is okay or what you think is practical but write it as if you are making a wish list to a Jeanie about the kind of family and work life you want and personal life.
After that keep that list for a week and then look back at it and if you still feel like that’s what you want share that list with your partner and take it from there.
Yo is this a grown ass man letting someone do everything for their shared responsibilities? Did he put cereal in a plate and leave the baby in his own crib with it? What the fuck is this whack ass looney toon marriage you got going on that you know is terrible for you?
What the hell. Don’t be a big people pleaser like I was. I still am but I’m getting better. Without going into detail I have a lot of scenarios from my past like yours. For ex working weekends as a nurse on a cancer floor and my poor poor (EX) husband had to stay home with our baby. The MINUTE I got home from the hospital working he shoved the baby off on me as if I’d been sipping smoothies by the pool all day. I still get mad when I think of that. I got mad reading your post. Do not apologize to him. Mother fucker needs to get up and SEE what needs to be done instead of you asking for every little morsel of help. Why are men so dumb?????? His “silent treatment “? Yeah I’ve seen that tactic too. It took me TWENTY TWO years to get the guts to divorce him. It doesn’t get better. Even after the kids became more independent my ex still excelled in other ways of making me feel the the main bread winner door mat.
I’m really sorry that you’ve had such a crappy morning and that you’ve been under such a ridiculous amount of stress.
I want to say, first of all: **Doing a few minor chores does not make your husband immune to criticism. You are clearly doing a hundred times more than he is. You do not have to throw yourself on your knees every morning with gratitude because he is making the slightest bit more effort than he used to. You’re still allowed to say, “This fucking sucks.”**
Is it his role to stay home with your baby, and that’s why he isn’t otherwise unemployed?
You’ve got so much going on. I *completely* understand that you should not have to ask him to step in on a lot of these things, but if you do specifically ask him, is there at least a realistic chance that he actually will help? Will saying “I need you to do X” work out better for you than just doing X, Y, and Z all by yourself without saying anything to him?
You need to do some triage right now. You have too many burdens to carry anything that isn’t necessary for you and your children’s health, safety and basic comfort (which includes doing your job well enough to you can keep bringing in income). And I get that that’s still a lot of burdens. Don’t feel bad about getting help wherever you can find it, or taking shortcuts that don’t hurt anybody. A kid not having his homework done is not going to kill him or doom his future. If what you can do right now is get him to school fed and dressed, then that’s what you can do.
Well this husband is useless.
I’m sorry this is is happening to you.
I have to ask though…what exactly *does* your partner do? Because it seems you are doing everything that matters. You’re getting the kids up, getting ready for work, dealing with the apartment managers, doing homework with one of the kids, making sure your partner doesn’t LEAVE THE BABY IN THE CRIB ALL DAY, and so much more.
Your partner can’t even unpack the boxes and put them away?! You are only one person. This is a lot of responsibility on you and seemingly none on them. Then when you try to talk about it, they make themselves the victim. Victim of what though? Asking them to be a true partner, someone who works with you to take care of everything, is not victimizing them. All that is, is asking them to do what they are supposed to do. They are called a “partner” for a reason.
At this point you may as well be a single parent. They do dishes *every few days*. Why can’t they take the clothes to a laundromat? Unpack the boxes? Take their child out of the crib and be a parent? Help get ready in the morning? Take care of the kids so you can catch up at work? Demand the washer get fixed now?
Why can’t they seem to do anything? At least if you were a single parent, you wouldn’t have the resentment of knowing you have help but that person is choosing to be lazy and let you do everything.
You need to re-evaluate this relationship. Either your partner starts being a real partner, or they can be alone to sleep all day and see how they survive with no one taking care of things for them. This is ridiculous. My children helped me more than your grown ass partner helps you, by the time they were ten. They were doing laundry, putting their stuff away, helping keep the place clean, and laying out their clothes the night before. Your partner can’t even seem to get out of bed when they’re loved one clearly hurts themselves!
So you make the money, do all the housework, do all the childcare, and what does he do? Shit, shave, and choke the chicken all day?
You’re carrying too much of the responsibility, and by telling you he needs to be told what to do, he’s making you carry the emotional and mental load, too.
Tell him he needs to get off his ass, use his powers of observation to know when chores and tasks need to be done, get a job, and be a hands-on father. You’d almost be better off without an unsupportive extra mouth to feed, yikes.
> My partner says that if I need help, I should ask them for help instead of getting upset over it
Weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the phrase it basically means “act as if you don’t know how to do something so it’s more frustrating for your partner to teach than it is to do it for you”.
That’s what he is doing by saying you should just ask for help, he should, of his own accord help you. He is as much a parent as you are. In other words: you shouldn’t have to ask.
Yep, you got a real loser of a husband there.. shouldn’t have married him or had kids with him. Sorry but the red flags had to be there if you really think about it and decided to keep him around anyway..
You shouldn’t have to ask for help. I’ve been in a similar relationship and had to leave to get my change, but I also recognize you have a child.
Next time a chore needs to be done, for instance, the dishes, say to your partner “you said I could ask you for help when I need it. I need help with the dishes regularly. Whenever you see dirty dishes in the sink, please do them”
If they come back saying what are you doing, or protesting in any way, remind him “you said if I needed help, all I had to do was ask. So I am asking for your help doing the dishes regularly. I have other chores that regularly need to be done too you could take over” and also remind them you will be making more of these regular chore requests.
Because just cleaning the dishes is not the whole chore, it’s also recognizing when those dishes need to be done and executing the chore.
You are already the sole breadwinner. Meaning, you afford your lifestyle on your own. He eats the families food, deprives you of sleep, neglects his children, does not help, and then emotionally abused you when you *dare* to protest.
Please make a pros and cons list. Please take a few minutes each day and imagine the logistics of life without him. Can you manage on your own? From what I read, you already are.
It’s amazing how much more happiness you will have in life without the constant, seething frustration of being saddled with a do-nothing “partner.” You will find yourself with *so* much more patience, time, and live for your precious children. So much more time for yourself, which you badly need.
Lose the dead weight. He can be an every other weekend dad if he wants, but ime with men like this, they sell bother. It’s better for everyone if he is gone.
Your husband doesn’t contribute anything from my perspective.. that’s not fair at all cause you’re doing everything. Where are his priorities focused on??
Your husband sounds like a piece of shit. What positives does he bring to the relationship? None? Because it sounds like he’s bringing nothing to the table and forcing you to do everything yourself. You’re basically a single mother already, kick this deadbeat loser out so at least you’re not financially supporting him. He’s a shitty husband and father.
So your partner is unemployed and let’s you do everything? And after one small emotional outbreak he gives you the silent treatment?
Nice husband you got there. What an asshole.
My reasons for divorce-
He refused to work, clean, or cook unless I begged and I still had to do 50/50 childcare when I got home
His response-
The grounds included are not grounds for divorce
Courts response-
Mr -sad-teacher you are liable for all costs
Leave him it’ll be easier on your own BELIEVE ME!
You shouldn’t have to hide your feelings or be punished for them. I promise you you will be happier as a single parent, while you will still be doing everything alone you won’t have someone in the house doing f all for you to be annoyed at while doing it alone. That one factor makes a huge difference!
So you’re your husband’s second mommy. He needs to get off his ass and help you out. Maybe encourage him to start working out and buy him a book that helps him take control of his life.
I would drop this sad sack and kick his bum ass out. Divorce this loaf, make him parent for once, focus on you and your kids, and start rebuilding your self-worth and heal. When ready, go find a real loving and supportive partner that’ll help you raise your children and build a home together.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I’m wishing you luck getting out of it.
Divorce him. You are fulfilling the role of both parents. You are breadwinner, you are parent to both your kids and husband. He does nothing. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with children, he doesn’t clean or take care of the house. He is like a sack of potatoes, he does nothing. Plus he is not letting you sleep and rest.
He is always saying about his mental health and depression. But what about you? Has he ever asked you, darling are you tired, are you sad, how are you feeling, do you need some help. He is gaslighting you. He is using you. He is being toxic. I mean he acts like it is your fault that you are mad that everything is your responsibility. You have a right to feel tired. You have a right to take a rest. You have a right to find yourself a PARTNER, not some leach. I read your comments, he ia not even letting you rest, he wakes you up. He is hypocrite, he expects you to understand him and his mental health, but expects you to take care of everything and not to feel like taking some load of your shoulders. If he really is that sick than he needs to get himself help, but you can’t go on like this anymore, you will snap one day and then your kids will be without their only parent. I understand that there are stay at home fathers, but those guys are actually helping and active in marriage and parenthood. If you are the only working, he needs to take care of house and kids and meals, of course you would help him too, but that should be his task. If you quit your job and stay with kids and take care of house, than he should work. If you both work than share equally responsibilities at home and kids. He is doing nothing but hinder you. If you like give him one last chance to change and own up to his responsibilities of father and husband, if he fails, divorce him.
First of all if he reads this he’s going to know you wrote it, unless you changed major facts.
Life would be easier without him. He could move out, would have to get a job to support himself and pay child support. You could focus on work and the kids. He is deadweight in this relationship and making a difficult situation worse.
Tell your partner “get the fuck up and be a parent for once”. Your best course of action is honestly to grow a set and realise your own worth. Otherwise this will not end. I promise you that.
>They give the baby some cereal on a plate and put it with him in his crib, then go back to bed.
he _what_
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Fuck that noise. Even if he does care, he’s not showing it. I’m the stay at home dad and all my wife has to do in the morning is maybe make herself breakfast before work. I get the kids up and ready and packed and out the door. My wife would murder me if I stayed in bed.
1. Stop having kids with this man whatever way you have to.
2. They need a job or because a full stay at home parent and actually clean the house
3. Many of the problems here that are making you very frustrated could easily be fixed, like one afternoon to take clothes to a laundry mat and the next one hour unpacking boxes. Your partner should be doing this, but YOU also have to tell them apparently. So give your partner s list of tasks every day
4. If they aren’t willing to help out, then get rid of the dead weight. All they do is put the baby in front of a TV
Bro the more I read on this subreddit the more my faith in marriage and love and humanity goes down. I think I need a fucking break. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You have a shit partner.
OP, get out. You can and should and will do better than this.
Maybe write out everything you’re feeling, and give him a month to shape up…and stay that way. If he can’t hack it…leave.
You are doing so much on your own, you may as well be alone…it’s one less person you’re stuck caring for (and it’s the person who should be partnering with you to care for the actual helpless beings who need the care…the actual kids). And don’t let him use the depression/anxiety as an excuse. I got that, bf has it…we still fucking do everything we need to, etc. It seems your husband uses that to guilt trip you into sucking it up and leaving him to do whatever it is he does…
Hugs to you. Good luck.