For context, I’m 24M, and I have a GF who’s 28F.
The issue I’m having is that it seems I have an incredibly high libido. It might have to do that she’s the only girl I’ve been with so I’ve only been actually having sex for a year and a half or so.
The problem is, she doesn’t have the same sex drive as me. And this means that most of the times, I feel very unsatisfied. She might want to have sex only twice a week max, when I’d do it daily if I could.
It has come to a point where the majority of my inner thoughts are basically “will we have sex today?” and trying my best to maximize my chances (like making sure to help her with anything I can so that she’s as least stressed as possible, cooking for her, etc) but I do understand this is a bit… cynic? if that’s the word. Even though those are good things, my actual real goal behind that is just to maximize my chances of having sex with her. And then, most of the times it won’t happen anyways, so I will feel empty and dissapointed.
I know you’re going to say this is very unhealthy, and I absolutely agree. The thing is, I just don’t know how to control this/change. I already masturbate anyways, but I’ve tried just doing it more often whenever I feel horny, but it’s just not the same.
I’ve also have talked to her about this, but there’s really not that much she can do, of course she won’t have sex more frequent just because I want and she doesn’t. So it’s definitely on me to find a way to cope with this.
It also doesn’t help that I find her extremely attractive and we live together, so every time I look at her I just can’t avoid having sexual thoughts, which only increases the problem.
I
s there anything I can do at this point? I’ve booked an appointment with a therapist next week but not feeling very confident, to be honest.
4 comments
This isn’t uncommon and it sounds like you’re dealing with it in a pretty mature way. Hopefully talking with a therapist can help you manage your feelings, but there are not generally easy solutions in this situation.
Your sex life may or may improve, either by spontaneous libido increase in your partner, or by working on the issue together, to find a way to get more satisfaction without making one of you feel used or unwanted. Alternatively, you can learn to cope with the situation as-is, and a therapist may help with that.
A big key I think is communicating with your partner clearly and non-judgmentally about your feelings (can be somewhat fraught) and getting on the same team on the issue. In any case, you’ll have to learn to manage the feelings you described, at least to some extent. As you point out, it can be unhealthy to be always trying to maximize the probability you’ll have sex.
You are young so your sex drive is high, she is also your gf and the person you are sexually attracted to. There is nothing abnormal. I have been married for 15yrs and still spend a good part of the week trying to get into my wife’s panties. A lot of times I fail and I masturbate, when I succeed, it’s always amazing sex.
Make sure you are doing other things in your relationship and aside from the sex thoughts, ask yourself how you feel in other aspects of your relationship with her and make sure she is happy and so are you. Also, don’t be afraid to talk to her about it, which it seems like you have. But the most important part, and I cannot stress this enough, respect her decision on it. If you can’t, then you know the Reddit response, which is move on.
Not everyone has the same sex drive. My wifes is low too. If I am horny and she is not I will just masturbate. At times that turns her on and other times I am on my own.
Serious question as you said you help her out a lot to ease her stress (cooking, etc) in the hopes that this might make her more amenable to sex… this is potentially a huge turn off if she gets the impression that this is actually transactional for you. That is, if she thinks that you’re only doing these things because YOU might benefit from it, it could turn her off from sex even more. Would you be so generous even if there was literally nothing in it for you?