We’ve been dating for 8 years. Things have been rocky on and off for years now. Without making this a very long post, I’ll try to cliff notes a couple big issues. (Or you can read my post history).
-We’ve tried changing our relationship dynamic: engaged in threesomes and open relationship which I didn’t want and very much hurt me mentally and emotionally. But I was somewhat manipulated and coerced into it and continuing to do it because I didn’t want to lose him. This was maybe 5 years ago and lasted on off for a couple years.
-bf spends all day sleeping and hasn’t worked in 10 years (on disability for depression/anxiety). He hasn’t made a single effort into trying to work or do anything (until this past month after realizing our relationship was on the fritz). We don’t spend time together…ever..bc he’s sleeping all day.
We both have our own issues we deal with. Right now our relationship is is a bad state. We haven’t had sex in almost 6 months now. Barely even kissed either. He’s tried (not recently) but I just don’t have the interest in him like that atm.
We’re in a vicious cycle of: he doesn’t want to spend time with me because I’m cold and unaffectionate with him and I’m cold and unaffectionate because he never wants to spend time with me and we never interact. I’m not sure which started the cycle, or if it was combo. I think other factors may have contributed now that I think of it. We had a large right around 6 months ago (over the most trivial thing) and he ended up saying A LOT of hurtful things to me/about me. This happens a lot anytime we fight. Large or small fight..he takes a lot of jabs and says things either he truly believes or knows will hurt me, such as (and I quote):
“The level of fucked up that you are that I’ve put up with.”
“Years of dating a useless mute”
”There’s a lot of things that are unfortunate about you that I put up with”.
”You have no personality and you’re miserable to be around”
….To name a few.
Words hurt. Words hurt me a lot and it’s hard not to dwell on it. We can be having a good day, but In the back of my mind I know he’s said these things about me and hurt me this way.
We’ve had serious conversations about how we feel about everything and I brought up the possibility of breaking up. This isn’t something he wants. He claims that the issues he’s facing such as the intimacy issues and me being unaffectionate are current issues happening so that justifies his behavior of not wanting to spend time with me. But my issues of being affected by the threesomes/open relationship and the hurtful words are in the past and I should get over it.
I’m in the process of trying to get into therapy because I believe I have a lot of issues, maybe some attachment issues etc. but, is this something that I can just “get over” and be okay with and continue my relationship? I can’t just forget the things that happened and how they made me feel, can I?
I want to get married and have kids. Right now, I cannot see any of that happening with my current bf. However I still love him throughout everything. We’ve spent so much of our life together. I cannot fathom entering the dating scene and going through the awful awkward getting to know you stages.
Ive probably deleted a lot of posts or posted on other accounts, but I’ve been asking for advice on this same thing over and over again for YEARS and I feel like that should be a clear indicator.
I can be sobbing all night and hyperventilating at how sad and hurt I am over something that happened and want to break up, but then the next day he’ll apologize tell me he doesn’t want to lose me and be SO sweet to me to the point where I can’t bring myself to imagine ever leaving him…which maybe that’s a therapy problem.
It’s a long winded post, but basically
Tl;dr after 8 years of on and off rockyness within my relationship I know know if it’s better to just end it or try to work on /fix myself in therapy in order to fix the relationship.
7 comments
If there ever was a time to leave someone its now. Stop wasting your time with this bump on a log
I was going to ask what treatment he is getting for his depression, but it doesn’t matter. You say he regularly abuses you. You should not stay in an abusive relationship. A healthy relationship, or even one struggling with problems and sexual issues, does not involve either person regularly insulting the other. In a good relationship, neither person should ever take an action where the goal of the action is to hurt the other person. Sometimes you take an action where that is a side effect. But he says mean things to hurt you. That is never justified.
Get the hell out of there. Work on yourself because you deserve better for yourself, not because you want to be better for him. He doesn’t make you better, he makes you worse.
So you know he’s abusive and you know he won’t change.
How long do you want to live like this?
Loving someone isn’t enough. You’re staying because you’ve committed a lot of time and you don’t want to start over; sunk cost fallacy. You’ve been asking advice on this for YEARS and I bet you’ve been told to break up with him a hundred times. Do you want to be back here in another year, 2 years, 5 years asking the same thing? You will be if you stay. Except maybe you’ll have made the mistake of having kids with someone who is not healthy enough to be a supportive partner to you, much less be a parent, so you’ll also be struggling with that.
Break up. And then get therapy to work on yourself for you, so you know not to accept this type of relationship in the future. Therapy won’t teach you to stay in this dumpster fire, it’ll help you see it’d make no sense to stay.
I (29m) recently ended a 6-year relationship. We were engaged. It was hard but I am much, much better for having done so. Here are a few reflections that may help you on your journey.
One, some people are much more capable of change than others. Some people will put in the work, do the reflection, get up out of bed and make their life play out differently through sheer force of will. After 10 years you know whether your partner is this kind of person, or not. It very much sounds like not.
Two, there is an enormous amount of beauty outside of your relationship. People of all descriptions who want to give you love, make the effort for you, show you they care. I was closed to seeing this for 6 years because I was a committed, devoted partner, it sounds like you are in the same boat. Trust me: the bar set by your current relationship is unbelievably low. Better men will queue up to show you how high it can go.
Three, the experience you’ve gained over 10 years together is so valuable. It will guide you through the next chapter – from ‘red flags’ to watch out for, to communicating your desires effectively, to navigating tough arguments. You have spent a decade training the most important transferable skills in relationships. Having them in the bag will serve you extremely well when you meet someone you want to spend your life with.
Finally, four, keep your eyes open and do not settle. Your last 10 years will have taught you a lot about what your needs are. Reflect on those. Seek therapy to understand them well. Then, find someone who wants to meet them. Maybe, a man who abhors the idea of lashing out at a woman and making her feel small. A man who sees compromise as a two way street and wants to prioritise you as much as you prioritise him. A man who has the self-motivation to pick himself up and make his life worth living. Do not just jump at the first guy who shows you attention. Take your time and you will find someone who you can’t wait to wake up with in the morning.
I hope this helps you and I wish you very well. You have got this.
So this is a common type of post — listing out all of the terrible things about your relationship that clearly show this is a toxic situation, followed by “but I love them” or “but they are nice sometimes”. The fact is, those “buts” will never change while you are with them, so if you are waiting until you just stop loving them, aren’t attached to them, or they literally have zero redeeming qualities, you will never leave them no matter what they do. Leaving relationships is really hard. You will really miss him sometimes and it will be really scary. That doesn’t mean that you should have stayed in the relationship, that’s just our natural reaction to leaving a relationship, no matter how bad it is. You’re not happy in this relationship. I think you know you need to leave it. But nothing anyone can say will make that easy or make you 100% confident that you’re making the right decision. You just have to make it and accept that it will be really hard before it gets much, much better. I wish you luck and strength!