There’s a lot of background I won’t go into; I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ve been with my (32F) husband (36M) for just shy of 8 years. We have been through an immense amount of shit in our relationship, but we have never lost love (or even like) for each other. I genuinely adore him and love him dearly, and I believe he does the same of me.
Recently, we’ve been seeing a therapist who has really been great for us both. For YEARS I’d hoped and prayed my husband would be able to connect with a therapist that would actually help him (lots of childhood and other trauma), and this one seems to be exactly that. He’s actually making changes, he’s actually heeding the advice he’s given, I’ve seen it. I appreciate it.
The problem: first, I’ll mention my husband has a child from a previous marriage, and I have been in his life for 3/4 of it (he doesn’t even remember meeting me). We have had a LOT of issues with his son, for years, and it’s only gotten worse and not better. I realized a while ago that I’d done too much too soon and have a horrible case of burnout in this situation. I let that go; I’m a stepmom, I don’t need to feel guilt over letting his own parents PARENT him instead of me. We also have a 2yo, and I know he is my focus as he is my child and I am his one and only mother. Roles shifted, basically.
As far as DH, with this counseling, I am feeling similar burnout as I did with his son. I noticed when our therapist said earlier this week that we (them and I) needed to be patient with him (DH). I thought, “patient..? I have been more than patient with more than enough for years. But NOW I “need” to be patient??” I knew what they meant, and I actually agreed, but my feelings stated the above. That realization made me also realize I have felt the same way about myself. I lost a bunch of weight and kept it off for years. I had our child and was back to my lowest weight by the time he was 6 months. The last 2 years I’ve packed it all back on.
I don’t like feeling this sense of indifference with my spouse when I can see he is trying, finally. But, realizing it is with him, and my stepson, and myself, I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me. But more, why am I not giddy that my husband is finally looking deeper within, and relishing in the benefits of that? Why is it making me feel like he’s getting better while I’m getting worse, almost because of it, in a way? Obviously, we/I already have a therapist, but this is really throwing me off this week.
Similar experiences, anyone?
Edit: word change
2 comments
Not similar experience, but similar feeling, yes. I’d struggle to put words on it, but i’d say, you were forced to keep on top of life, but now you aren’t needed as much you’ve let yourself slip? Its easier to care for others than yourself. Its a frustration and a struggle to adapt to the new equilibrium. Perhaps you prided yourself on how you performed in that situation now you don’t have that. It happens that you can get jealous of your partner, or enjoy life as it was.
Its okay. It’s your turn to change.
Sounds like being human to me, and tired. I recommend the daily practice, a journaling and meditation technique that helps you get it out and feel more calm and able to keep trying. It’s a free course from the crappy childhood fairy, Anna Runkle. https://courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/daily-practice