When I told my boyfriend (29M) I didn’t find his idea sexually attractive and it grossed me out, he ranted at me (31F)… how to find something we both agree on for date night sex other than sexy lingerie?

12 comments

1. This doesn’t sound like it’s about lingerie.

2. He opened up about a fantasy of his, you didnt like it, he got angry because of it. Ofc you don’t need to share his fantasy, maybe you can find some kind of compromise, like a lighter role-play.

   Ofc this doesn’t need to be done every time you have sex. Do you always schedule a date night when you’re about to have sex?

3. Sounds like you both have a lot to work on.

   You absolutely don’t need to do anything you don’t want to, but insulting him and telling him it’s gross is overstepping a line. You could simply say you’re not interested or think of other ideas. He’s coming up with things he wants to try

   He also shouldn’t snap like that but it is understandable after allowing himself to be vulnerable to you.

   Additionally, this is a pretty mild thing to try out, there are much more difficult fetishes/kinks, and this feels pretty benign. Your boyfriend may also have some aspect of him that may be questioning his own gender and this is a way to express it.

4. Okay so you don’t like the idea but you haven’t stated what you don’t like about it. Also you don’t state what you do like. Very hard to give suggestions with so little detail. What are you usually into? What is he usually into? What are your boundaries? Where do you think the sexy concensus is?

5. He wants to role play as a woman. I think there’s more to what he’s wanting that just lingerie. You should ask him to elaborate why he wants to pretend to be a woman during sex, though he may not open up since you already told him you think it’s gross.

6. It seems to me that the two you need to work on how you communicate with each other. Telling your partner their fantasy is gross is not helpful. Neither is him getting angry. I’d advise you to have an open, honest talk about what you are into sexually and what your limits are. When I say open, I also mean that you both need to be open to hear and *respect* the other person’s fantasies.

   As an example: Him being into wearing women’s clothing and rp a woman can be met with “Ok, that’s not for me, though” instead of “Eww, that’s gross”. It’s totally possible to accept that your partner has fantasies and limits that differ from yours. In this case, this fantasy of his is obviously a hard limit. He’ll have to accept that.

7. I think both of your responses & reactions require reflection. He felt safe and vulnerable enough to open up to you about one of his turn ons and you reacted in negative light and called him “gross”. I can understand both sides but yall definitely need to sit down and have a conversation.

8. ‘Sounds like you’re learning a lot more about NYC than you thought you would….

9. The first mistake was trying him he was gross or grossed you out. When my partner suggests something I don’t like or want to participate in, I just say, no I don’t want to do that. Rarely if it’s something that is triggery for me (there was childhood SA in my past), I say it’s hard no, and I need you not to mention it again – and then he doesn’t. There’s no shaming on either of our parts

   If you don’t like the idea of your partner RP as a woman or dressing as one, the last thing you should be doing is calling it gross. Sit down (not during sexy time) and figure out what about he likes and see what elements you can incorporate… You don’t have to like his kinks but you should respect him.

10. I think before you find things you want to try for date night, you both need to work on your communication. Telling someone what they want is “gross” is just about the worst thing they could hear when they’re being open and vulnerable with you. He’s not likely to want to share his fantasies again if he thinks you’re going to judge him so harshly. And his reacting in anger is equally inappropriate – it may have been a defense mechanism if he felt ashamed, but he still needs to be able to handle himself if you don’t share a kink, and he shouldn’t be trying to convince you to do something you don’t want to do.

    Once you’re able to communicate your wants and needs with one another *without judgement*, try the Spicer app. It’s a great way for partners who may not be super comfortable talking directly about these things to explore mutual desires. You answer “yes/no/maybe” to a whole list of possible things to try, and the app only informs your partner(s) of the ones you match on. If you have a desire that’s a hard pass for the other person, they’ll never know it’s something you’re into unless you decide to tell them someday. There are also fun challenges and such that you can do together. Great app for exactly this situation.

11. Girl, your reaction was not loving or kind. You do not have to be into the idea and you definitely do not have to engage in this fantasy, but saying your partner’s fantasy *grossed you out* was uncalled for and harmful to your intimacy.

    Sharing fantasies takes such vulnerability, and a longterm partner is supposed to be a safe person to open up to— you were not.

12. He probably likes femdom things. If you dont want to than thats that a guy can try but if there isnt consent he should stop trying to bring it up.