My boyfriend is a really gentle and sweet person and we have a happy relationship filled with laughs and cuddles. But this one thing is bugging me out and I could use advice.
There are a few facts I want to make clear to give a full picture here. You may or may not think they’re relevant:
1. He doesn’t physically force me onto the scale. He just says “c’mon, step on the scale..let’s see what it says.” One time I said I didn’t want to get on it and he said “c’mon just get it over with..”
2. When I weigh myself and he didn’t get to see the number, he asks what it said.
3. I am 5’4 118lbs. I am a size small or an extra small. I am not stick thin but I am a thin woman. I don’t need to lose weight.
4. He is 6’1 215lbs. I think he looks good but he has told me he is technically obese and that he has pre-diabetes.
5. I have mentioned to him that I feel like he cares too much about my weight and he has always said that he is just trying to support me because he knows I am afraid of weight gain (true)
49 comments
Just gonna put it out there that the age gap tells me a lot about him. He basically has just told you how shallow he is when he is the one technically obese and dealing with pre-diabetes. He’s not being supportive at all. Don’t believe him.
Dude is too controlling. You should just draw a boundary: “I am not going to share my weight with you.” Then refuse to get on the scale. He sez, “C’mon, get it over with.” So you say, “No, and don’t ask me again.”
The fact that you’re so casual about this obvious emotional abuse is likely why this (inappropriately) older man latched onto you (’cause no woman his own age would tolerate it). There’s just not much to say here. It’s unlikely this disrespect and degradation limits itself to just these weigh ins. You’re probably being abused in other ways too. Never be so desperate to keep a man that you submit yourself to this garbage.
There’s a reason why he’s with someone ten years younger than he is. It’s control.
…Get out of there.
1. This is disgusting behaviour and it’s incredibly coercive. He might not be physically pushing you onto the scale, but he is pushing you onto it.
2. What you weigh is literally none of his business and his apparent obsession with that number is worrying.
This man is far too controlling and you shouldn’t put up with this behaviour.
“I want you to stop talking about my weight and getting me to weigh myself. I don’t care why you are doing it. I’m telling you I don’t like it and I don’t want you to do it anymore. Are you willing to respect that and stop talking to me about it?”
If his reaction is to argue with you, or to defend himself, or pretty much anything other than a) agreeing to stop **and** b) actually stopping, he’s telling you that he is not willing to respect your wishes, and that he believes what he thinks you should do with your body is more important than what you want to do with your body. Which would be a pretty shitty thing for your partner to believe.
There is a lot of manipulation and mind games hiding in those extra 10 years. You need to get out while you still can kid.
My friend, this is abuse. I’m not sure how else to put it. Typical behavior: he has an issue he is insecure about so he is purposefully making you feel about yourself so he can focus on that instead of being self aware.
Please leave him now, he’s preying on an insecurity you have and he will keep doing it and until he breaks completely.
Please tell me that this is a rage post.
Please.
I’m begging you.
Yeah seems like he’s easing you into controlling you. Because that’s fucked. If a man did this to me he would be kicking rocks so fast.
I think you both need therapy. The fact that he wants you to do this is insane and the fact that you willingly do it is insane. So either you both need intense therapy or maybe you’re just perfect for each other. But this isn’t normal or healthy.
So he is telling you he is trying to support you, you are saying you don’t like it- so why wouldn’t he stop? I’ve had people I love try to quit smoking, go on diets, save money, and if they ask me to stop pointing things out (hey, that restaurant is pricey, don’t you want to save) then I stop.
He doesn’t physically force you but clearly you do feel forced. That’s not okay.
So now, time to fully test him and his ability to respect you. Next time, do not get on the scale. Be very calm and just say “no, we talked about this, it makes me uncomfortable, it isn’t helpful, and I do not want you to tell me to weigh myself or to have you watch me weigh myself.”
That’s it. It is clear and there’s nothing to argue about. If he wants to support you, he will respect your boundaries. If he is kind and loving, he won’t push you to do something you are uncomfortable with.
There isn’t a single reason for him to keep pressuring you, except that he is being controlling and starting a pattern of abuse. This is your moment to find out who he really is.
Stop complying and see how that plays out. He is manipative and you let him. So, stop. How he rakes will tell you a lot.
Well this is abusive. No wonder he’s dating someone ten years younger. What a fucking trashy human. Girl, get rid.
We cannot help you if you continue to lie to yourself. He is not gentle. You do not have a happy relationship. Anybody who makes you do something like weigh yourself in front of them is seriously controlling depraved and abusive. And I’m going to throw in creepy as well . Get the heck out of this and go take some assertiveness and self-respect courses because you need help. He’s the problem but you’re the problem too.
I’m sorry but the good does not outweigh the bad no joke intended.
This is one of those relationships where the only advice is to leave.
It’s ok to be alone. I think you can do better.
He is 10 years older and you are doing what he says. Why are you doing it? Haven’t you thought about saying “No, I’m not doing that” “No, I do not want to.” “No.”
This is so weirdly paternalistic. Tell him to fucking stop acting like a creep. He’s not the boss of you comes to mind…
You need to RUN from this guy. Holy hell
He is controlling and too old for you. I would leave him because sooner or later, he is going to find someone younger than you and groom her. Normal men do not act like this.
You are being emotionally abused. This is an extreme level of control that will likely escalate. Please leave him
Hes cohersing? You into doing something you don’t want to do. That’s toxic
I would have been slapped by all of my ex’s if I tried to suggest something even remotely similar to any of them. This is some weird form of abuse
That isn’t sweet at all. Have you asked him to get on the scale? I bet not ’cause it’s bully behavior no matter how nicely it is said.
Find a dictionary. Look up the words gentle and sweet. Read the definitions. Then look up asshole. Read that definition. Then realize you’re using the wrong words to describe your bf.
Step 1: throw the scale out
Step 2: throw the man out
Problem solved!
So OP’s sweet and cuddly age-gap boyfriend is so wonderful that he makes her weigh herself in front of his fat self on a regular basis, and if she tries to get out of it he says “c’mon just get it over with”?
This is creepy af. He’s got some kind of weight control power trip going on. Red flag 🚩 waving high.
Say the sentence “No.” when he asks you to step on the scale. When he presses, you leave the room. There is literally no explanation necessary. Do not submit to his manipulations.
Holy shit. He’s conditioning you to have unhealthy habits for the rest of your life.
Fuck this guy and his opinion. Tell him he needs to lose weight. In fact, make it easy for him to drop 118lbs by walking away.
I am beyond outraged and disgusted. Literally what the fuck did I just read.
Browbeating you to get on the scale is not “gentle and sweet.”
You should definitely lose the extra unwanted 215lbs then you don’t have to worry about gaining weight.
RunnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNN!!!!
No fucking way. You need to leave this man yesterday.
More women need to learn to say Fuck Up to men
Break up my friendo.
Honey, if you’re afraid of gaining weight with a BMI of 20.1, which is at the low end of normal, it is likely that you have an eating disorder. Do you restrict what you eat? Have you removed categories of food from your diet over the years? Do you over-exercise in response to eating? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about food, or your body?
If the answer is yes to some of these, consider the possibility that you have an ED that is being enabled by your BF.
Regardless, this is incredibly creepy behavior on his part and you should RUN away from this situation immediately.
I am the father of a woman around your age, and if I found out her BF was pulling this shit… he would be out of the picture so fast his head would spin.
Wow. The title alone is a huuuge red flag. This is not normal!
These stories always start out with my BF/GF is really sweet except for this really abusive thing he does …
Imagine how he will act if you get pregnant and your body changes. There is a reason women his age don’t want him.
This can’t be real. No woman is going to put up with that.
I read this and was like why TF do you put up with this shit?
The day this happens to me is the day I get arrested for bludgeoning my SO with a scale or for using it to perform a colonoscopy. Maybe doing one after the other depending on how spicy I feel after putting him on the ground.
You know *kind and sweet* people are still capable of emotional and psychological abuse right? Seems he’s *nice guy-ing* his way out of being called a controlling obese jerk.
Do not mistake charm for cunning. Even something sicking can be sweet, then gentleness is used to disguise slow cruelty.
Run from him.
> My boyfriend is a really gentle and sweet person and we have a happy relationship filled with laughs and cuddles.
I’m sorry but if he’s doing this to you he is not really gentle or a sweet person. He is emotionally abusive.
… … he … does … what?
The fact you start by immediately defending him tells me you know what he is doing is inappropriate. Can I tell you a secret? The scale is a lie. At 5’4” if you weighed 132 lbs you would be within normal range!
Sister, the patriarchy is not serving you. Break free. You shouldn’t be weighed like a cow going to slaughter. You are a person whose value is disconnected from any number on a scale.
I’m so excited for your new diet. You’re about to lose 215 lbs of pure judgment.