I (F23) live in a joint family and sometimes it gets so overwhelming because I feel like I keep a lot of it in and I have no one to talk to. The tensions started when I lied and went to California with my friends and said it was a school trip. I didn’t party or anything, I just wanted to travel and see more of the world. In other families I don’t think travelling with friends would be a big deal but in mine it was so I lied. My cousins told my parents and it was a whole shit show where I had to “confess”. Tensions have been high ever since because my parents, although were very mad at me and still are, disagree with how I was treated and this affects my mom the most. I think she’s traumatized too. There was a lot of rude things said that I just had to let go for the sake of my mental well-being but my mom can’t let them go and there are constant fights between the two families.
It’s really rough on me because I feel like I started this and I never would’ve gone to California had I known this was going to happen. Now my dad said that if you get your realtor license (I already have my BSc and am taking a year off before I started my other degree because I needed the break) then we can go. This house is no environment to study because there are always fights and I have to get involved to mediate even though I’m not. My mom and I are the black sheep of this family and my dad won’t even defend her so I have to do his part. Now I have the added stress that we won’t be able to get a house until I finish this course and get us a house/sell this one. It’s a lot of mental load for one person because so much has happened.
I talked to my boyfriend (M23) about this and I was having a full on meltdown because as I was talking to him, I realized that I’m not lazy for putting the course off for a few months! I’ve been through so much including being isolated by everyone, proving to them that that I’m not a bad person and justifying myself every time I go out, etc.
i had this realization yesterday and I just wanted to vent and I wanted someone to listen. But he kept giving me advice instead but I already know what I need to do. It wasn’t bad advice but all these emotions were overflowing and I had never talked about this until now but even now I felt like I wasn’t able to fully express myself without being interrupted.
Eventually I gave up and listened to him. Then it hurt for some reason when he said “I think I just have a way of talking to people”. I don’t know why that hurt. I think it’s because although he’s the youngest in his family, he has had to be the adult when it came to arguments and advice. But he doesn’t need to do that with me! I just need to vent and just get it out and feel validated and then I’ll be like “okay it’s not that bad” and do what I need to do.
The question is, how do i tell him how I feel? because I feel like any way i put this, is gonna come off as offensive.
20 comments
You said you are 23?
Why is it an issue for you to travel anytime you want?
>I just need to vent and just get it out and feel validated
Read this to him.
Tell him that you need to vent, and not the advice.
I was like your bf some years ago. Always gave advice because that is what I want when I vent. I dont want someone to give me emotional support but I want them to give me mental support. I always felt the emotional support is not genuine so I never gave that to anyone and always gave advice.
One day my best friend got angry at me and told me that me giving advice is not helpful. It was and is still a strange concept for me. But after that I learned they needed a different approach so I decreased the advice giving as much as I can.
My boyfriend and I struggle with this with each other too – it stems from a desire to help as much as possible! What I did when it was getting too much, was show my boyfriend the episode of Parks & Rec where Ann is pregnant and wants to complain, and feels bad for getting irritated that Chris keeps looking for solutions to her problems instead of just listening. This helped facilitate a dialogue between us, and if the other person ever gets “too helpful” as we like to say, we just reference this episode.
As a married man I had to learn this, sometimes she doesn’t want you to solve the problem just to listen.
I have tried to pass this knowledge on to young men I meet.
I work as a consultant and I constantly try to analyze problems. My SO and I have a system where if she is venting at me I just ask, “do you want my help or do you want me to listen?” It is very blunt and on the nose but we used to have this exact problem and direct communication solved the issues.
Some people are “fixers”. That means their natural reaction to someone venting to them is to fix their problem to make them feel better cause they took the problem away. It’s all well intentioned, but it rarely works.
I have this problem withy husband and two of my friends. My husband is getting better T listening, but still has the urge to fix. I just remind him I only need him to listen and be present as I talk it out. I’ll ask him if I need advice on what is on my mind. I usually don’t want advice, but sometimes I’ll ask him to let him know his opinion matters to me. It really does.
One friend needs a head’s up if I just need her to listen or else I will get an earful of advice I don’t want.
My other friend I’ve just learned not to talk about me or anything personal. If she can’t fix it, she doesn’t want to hear it.
Some people, such as your boyfriend, may respond well if you just let them know before venting that you just need him to sit and listen. Maybe hug him while talking or cuddle a bit do he feels like he’s doing something to help you. Cause sometimes, a good hug and cuddle is all we need to “fix” our minds. It’s the emotional connection we need more than words of problem solving. We just need to feel safe.
My wife and I have this similar problem. We’re both inherent problem-solvers by nature. We want to help the other person fix the issue they are facing, and don’t understand that we sometimes do them a disservice by not just being there to listen.
We had to develop a system over time where we check with the other person as to whether they want to vent or they want help. When I see my wife is upset by something, I’ll approach her and say “want to talk? No advice, I promise” to let her know I acknowledge that she’s bothered by something and is fully capable of sorting it out on her own, and I am here to listen and let her verbalize what she’s feeling so she can sort it out for herself.
Sometimes it’s not as obvious that the person doesn’t want advice, and we’ve had to agree that when the other person says “no advice, please” that we understand what that means, don’t take it personally, and shift into listening mode.
Let him know that you understand he’s just trying to help when he gives advice, that it’s coming from a place of caring. But, you know how to handle your issues and just need someone to listen sometimes. Let him know that when you want advice you’ll ask him for it, but otherwise he should assume you’ve got it under control and just need to vent.
What other commentators are saying– just be upfront and tell him you only want to vent
My girlfriend literally complains about the same shit at work everyday and I never understood why she got mad when I tried to help her. Well that’s because she doesn’t want help, she just wants to complain. And that’s okay. Not every problem has a solution
You just need to tell him exactly what you said here.
Men do this… try someone else. Men fix things, so we give advise when someone has a problem.
Woman don’t fix things, they throw things out and buy a new one. 🤪😝
In the beginning of my relationship, my boyfriend did that a lot too… Because you know why? Men are wired to be a hero. He thinks by trying to fix a problem is a way of him saving his girlfriend out. At first, i felt really frustrated too cause what I need are same as you too, comfort and validation. 🙂
What I did was I just talk straight to him what I need in situation like that. But don’t disregard his effort. Tell him you appreciated his advice. And tell him don’t take it personally, it is just that girls and boys are wired differently. If he really loves you, you will see he will to make a change later. Maybe sometimes he will keep give you advice but hope u can forgive him. We are human. Wishing best luck
Either at the top or when he starts giving advice tell him plainly “I just need to vent.” You could also ask him to ask you whether you want advice when you do need to vent.
And the reason it hurt imo was because he read the situation and what you wanted from the conversation wrong, and then patted himself on the back. Personally I’d be frustrated that he called himself a good speaker when he’s being a bad listener.
I understand the need to vent. There are people that feel the need to fix things though. That said think about all the times you might have vented to him about your family issues. There comes a point where you need to take action instead of just venting. I had a friend who used to vent about something over and over and over. At some point I told her that she had been venting about the same thing for a year. If she wasn’t going to take steps to change the situation, I was done hearing about it because I wasn’t her emotional dumpster. Not saying this is what you’re doing, but it’s something you should try to avoid.
Tell him that. He’s not a mind reader.
As a guy, it’s confusing for us.
If someone, anyone tells us a issue, we instantly think they want feedback or advice. If you want to just vent to your guy, just tell him that I want to vent, and that you don’t want advice upfront. Also, do not get upset or mad if he DOES offer some feedback on the situation. He might be a ‘thinker and a fixer’ type of mindset and wants to help and make you feel better.
Just tell him honestly. It’s nothing to get offended over, and if he does, he’ll cool back down. He can’t mind read, so if you want him to do a special thing (listen to you and validate you), you need to tell him. He doesn’t mean bad by giving advice, that’s just how he thinks he is helping, and he’ll be happy to hear how he can help you better.
For example: “Hey boyfriend, thanks for wanting to help me, but right now I just need to vent. It would be lovely if you could just listen for a while and tell me that you love me. I’ll ask you for advice later, but right now, I can’t handle it. I just need a shoulder to cry on.” and then thank him when he actually does it and doesn’t make a fuss.
As a man, I can say that this just takes time to get. We just don’t understand why someone would want to vent or complain without fixing it. It completely goes against our programming. Time, and constant reminders that you just want him to shut up and listen are all I can think to tell you. It’s what my wife had to do for me.
Okay, so you need to tell him, “I just need someone to bitch to. I already know what I am gonna do, but I just need someone to listen and empathize. Can you do that for me?”
My friend asks if I’m looking to vent or problem solve when I start talking about something that’s bothering me. It’s seemed a bit awkward the first two times, but now I started asking this when people are upset too.
It’s normal to want to problem solve when someone you care about is upset, because it’s distressing and trying to search for solutions alleviates that stress. So he’s defaulting to that (most guys do, because they are socialized to prioritize their wants and to take responsibility for fixing things) and you’re expecting him to default to supporting your feelings (most women are socialized to prioritize supporting others’ wants). Communicating and picking how to support each other will fix that dynamic.