Alright, so..
I (25f) just found out tonight that my boyfriend has his female coworker on his first place on snap. And hear me out, cause I know that sounds like a non-issue.
A little backstory is that I was cheated on a couple years back. I was in a ish serious relationship with someone clearly not ready for a commitment (he told me he was). He was snapping (yes, snapchat did me dirty again) with a girl. I didn’t think anything of it cause you’re allowed to be friends with the opposite sex and I never cared about that stuff, was very “comfortable” (sorry this isn’t my first langue) with myself and never insecure. Then, one night, he was somewhere else, and he told me he was at his mate’s. But then he had the audacity to send me a snap of the same girl, in bed. So that happened.
That of course sent me in a dark rabbit hole where I was questioning myself, well, everything about me, what we had and what I could’ve done to deserve this. Was severely depressed (and no, didn’t get tested for it but you know) and even thought about and did try to take my own life, which is embarrassing to do for some guy.
In the aftermath, I’ve had trust issues and problems to work on. I met my current boyfriend now 5 years ago. I laid it all out, and he’s understanding to my limits and what I need from him. I’ve never restricted his life, never checked his phone or prevented him from doing something or talking to someone cause that’s a me-problem and not fair to take out on him. The only thing I want from him, is to be honest and just tell me if there’s for example a girl he’s talking to (if it’s over some time – that’s not a friend)
For example, when I got back in contact with a friend I used to game with, (still in my relationship and my boyfriend knew him and it was strictly platonic and casual talk as you do when you play together) I just let my boyfriend know cause that’s just what I expect to get back. And once again, we’ve all met up and we’re all friends but I still just let him know just to be respectful I guess.
So back to tonight, he showed me something he was sending to his friend (m) and I noticed her at the top of the bestfriend list or what you called it. I asked who it was and he told me it was his coworker who he’d been talking to cause she was going through a hard time at work and he’s the (not safety representative but one coworkers can come to with problems and he takes it to the boss). And at first I was thinking logical cause okay. But why over Snap and why not at least in that chat. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t get on the list from using the chat right?
Suddenly all my past insecurities (which was almost gone) kicked in. When you’re back in that deep you don’t think logical anymore. I took a breather (we live together btw) for a few minutes and when I came back out he told me he had deleted her, which I should be happy with but once again, my mind told me “okay but he did that before he could show me if there were any chats that would tell me the truth”.
Once again, I don’t prevent him from talking to girl, but in this instant he could’ve just told me a while ago cause that’s my boundary and he knows that.
I decided to sleep on the couch and I didn’t want to talk and he sent me a bunch of messages saying he knows what i’ve been through and would never do that and yes he’s never given me a reason to doubt him and he’s a quality guy, but once again, your mind tell you otherwise even when you don’t want to.
It’s just a lot of faith to put in someone when all you can do is blindly trust what he’s saying is true, that’s my biggest issue here.
Please give me advice, I need to know if I’m overreacting which is very possible or if I have reason to be upset. I appreciate the feedback and don’t be afraid to be brutally honest, I know my past issues can be ruining things for me.
EDIT: Thank you for your advice, it helped a lot. We’ve talked it over and it’s all good. I don’t have any reason to distrust him so he absolutely deserves the benefit of the doubt. Thanks!
5 comments
yep. You’re acting nuts. You’re way too old to be jealous like this.
You already know but communication is key here. Your boyfriend seems to have your interests in his thoughts. You could look at him deleting said co worker of Snap as covering his tracks. But if I was in his shoes and my gf showed yours signs I might delete said friend to show you I love and priorities you. Give him a chance as all your concerns could just be your paranoid side coming out. Take a deep breath, tell him you love him and talk. Good luck.
I think you need therapy. You saw a girl’s name on your partner’s snapchat and instantly had trauma flashbacks. That’s not normal, and you’re definitely not over your ex cheating on you. Your boyfriend hasn’t done anything wrong based on what’s been shown here and you’re making him suffer for your trauma.
I don’t think work matters are usually talked about over Snapchat. At least they never were at any of the places I have worked at. Seems suspicious, especially deleting her if it really was strictly platonic. I don’t know him or how he conducts his friendships so it could be nothing, it just seems weird.
Start therapy.