A few nights ago my new boyfriend (31y) gave me (fem 30y) great oral and I turned down on him to give him pleasure too. In the past, he showed me where is his most sensitive spot and how he likes it. He suffers from erectile dysfunction and it is a sad condition for him. I’m supportive and understanding. I also suggested seeing a specialist with him. He said he thinks it’s going to get better over time.

I think I did a great job that night. I took his dick in both hands, he seemed to be pretty hard and from his reactions, I could see he enjoyed himself. I kissed him on the top a few times and then slowly put him in my mouth. I licked him on that spot of his and followed his palm on my head. He enjoyed himself and I could hear him moan. There were no teeth and I gave him a proper long blow job. Unfortunately, his dick started to soften over time. My jaw muscles began to hurt but I didn’t care I wanted to give him love. In the end, he came into my mouth with the help of his hand too. I could not swallow this time even though I sometimes do it. I felt my vomiting reflex was a bit activated by his palm pushing my head up & down. After he came he asked me why I did not swallow. I said that I just did not feel like it this time but mentioned it tasted very good.

Then I asked if he enjoyed and I could hear the disappointment in his tone of voice. I asked what was wrong. He said I’m not doing it right and he complained that he had to use his hand to finish ( I did not follow his lead by hand the whole time I don’t like feeling trapped or pushed after experiencing sexual violence in the past he knows that. And then my stomach…). He had something on his mind and said just part of the sentence, hesitant to finish it. I asked again what’s that? And then he said his ex did it right to him.

I was left in the darkness. After some time I woke up from shock and heard him saying so many things like I should not take it personally, that he was just being honest, that everyone is different and he can use his hand after all. Then my new boyfriend called me dramatic when I got angry at him for telling me. I told him I can’t take anything from such criticism. I mentioned that he should call his ex if she was so good to him. He replied she was strange. I asked him how would he feel if I told him about my past lover and how he made me come ( our chemistry with the ex-lover was crazy and he never complained about my bj technique )…and there was silence.

We both had nightmares that night and I could not look at him the same in the morning. I took a week off from him but now I think if this can be repaired at all. I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable being intimate with him again.

Any opinions?

UPDATE: I called him out on his disrespect ( giving someone else as an example in bed). He apologized for being dismissive of my feelings. He said he is sorry he made me feel small and stated it was not his intention. He assured me he will examine his behavior. He tried to convince me he is not an abuser and does not have any controlling tendencies ( not sure I should trust that: “Don’t be dramatic” + later acting like nothing happened to feel like it could be a start of an emotional abusive relationship). He told me he was just being clumsy and stupid and that insensitive remark was not about any specific person at all but about all the experiences he had with oral sex in the past and his ability to finish when it’s done a certain way (not sure which way still no more instructions). He promised he would not push my head down during bj ever again, he has admitted he lost control and he does not need this. When I said I’m not sure I want to be intimate with him again he points out sex is not that important to him he just wants to spend more time with me to rebuild trust and connection and he does not want to give up on us so easily. He asked me what he can do to make me feel better. I hate the fact that this is for the second time he undermines my abilities to learn and goes straight to put down…I’m still not sure I should continue seeing him.

7 comments

  1. I mean, if he had constructive criticism then maybe. But he basically just insulted you and doubled down, which is bold for a man with ED.

    He should have acknowledged that he fucked up and apologized, then followed that up with a lot of reaffirming language.

    I don’t give enough blow jobs (I have a small mouth and my jaw hurts pretty quick) to comment on that part, but he fucked up here.

    The only way to fix this is to basically say “you hurt me with what you said, are you ready to try and fix what you did?” If he doesn’t answer “yes, how?”, then cut him loose.

    Edit: I didn’t realize this was a new boyfriend, the logic still works but it might not be worth the effort. You should still let him know that he hurt you and his lack of attempt to fix it is why you are breaking up.

  2. What he said and his unwillingness to see how absolutely painful and damaging this is is completely unacceptable. Leave him. He does not have normal human empathy.

  3. I feel like he felt he needed to insult you, because you didn’t swallow. Even if he wanted you to swallow, you’re not obligated by any means to do something you’re not feeling comfortable doing or just not in the mood in that current moment. He sounds like an ass and I wouldn’t give him even a kiss after what he said.

  4. Someone as sweet and giving as you should be with someone who appreciates them. I bet your ex had a d*ck that could stay hard, but you didn’t
    tell your boyfriend that after he gave you oral. You can do better.

  5. You do you, but I would have walked out that door and never looked back. So much wrong with this.

  7. There’s literally never a reason to tell someone “my ex did it better”

    That’s such a cruel thing to say. And it doesn’t fix anything. So it’s just a needless hurtful comment

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