Had this one thrown out. Is it true?
Been together 14 years, and it’s been a struggle since kids entered the picture 8 years ago. We have mismatched libidos and love languages as it is, but we barely spend any alone time together, intimate or not. We talk about it in cycles and it improves for a time then regresses.
She falls asleep after putting the kids to bed the majority of nights, and I’m left alone for 4+ hours. Sometimes that’s nice, but when that’s the norm it wears you down.
I’ve shared how I feel alone, how I’m tired of being the one to initiate everything (down to a simple hug), being rejected, being ignored.
Might as well just have a roommate at this point.
11 comments
Does she resent you for something?
If you are starved for love then your marriage will fail. If she prioritizes the kids over you then issues are going to develop.
Take this to marriage counseling and look to her parents marriage and see if she is repeating it.
I would highly recommend doing the marriage workshop by Marriage Helper if you can afford it
> Had this one thrown out. Is it true?
She has basically zero say in what ‘should’ affect your well-being. She has no right to dictate your feelings to you.
I think it depends on how you’re expressing the disappointment.
Having feelings and expressing them is healthy.
Being passive aggressive, whiny, grumpy, pouty, etc is not.
How’s the relationship overall? Do you do half of the housework and kid duties? Do you ever put the kids to bed? How long has it been since a date night?
You say you have different love languages. Do you do things that she likes? My husband and I have been in this situation. My language is acts of service and his is physical touch. I have never been super affectionate our whole entire relationship. He never cared prior to marriage. It became a problem after kids. I was so overwhelmed with with parenting and just life in general, depressed.
I think we both kind of didn’t like each other for a little while. It’s taken a lot of communication. He started doing more around the house, making me coffee every morning ect. My mental load got less and I started giving him more affection.
You can’t stop talking about it. You said it improves but then it regresses. Every time it regresses you have to communicate. She needs to communicate her needs as well. We have learned after 18 years of marriage what makes each other happy. It can still be a work in process. Kids getting older helps too,
Shit. She’s wrong. But at the same time valid. If she doesn’t feel like being affectionate she can’t just force it. Seek counseling to get to the bottom of things. Because you can’t keep on like that. It’s not fair to you.
Imagine what would happen if you said that to her. Affection and loving touch are so important. There has been studies on babies showing that the ones who had love and affection had better growth and development while others were tactile starved.
Touch-hunger is the strongest hunger for men. They literally regress without love, have difficulty with their life compass, and can turn very aggressive at times.
If i knew a good article, i would send you. Try looking it up yourself and maybe share with her.
There is also a good movie you can watch together called “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”. It’s about a very surface-like relationship where everything seems fine on the outside in their overall well-being.
If she is exhausted she is exhausted. Maybe get a hobby as well.
Yes you are the only person who can make yourself happy and change. Doesn’t matter what she does she can’t change you. She is the only person who can decide she wants to be happy.
Except depression, that’s not a just get over it moment. If she falls asleep early do something, jigsaw drawing painting. Maybe make her something creative? Find new ways to express your feelings . Put all you sadness into a painting not for her but for you.
Welcome to my past life. Feel you. No hug, no affection of any kind unless I initiated. Even then it felt forced.
I was just the guy to bring the money and otherwise stfu. Be glad I acknowledge you in your own fucking house.
I got the same fucking sentence. And you know what? She was right! It shouldn’t. But it did. So I got myself what I so desperately needed.
And know what? Even after DDay I didn’t feel bad. Since if she wasn’t affectionate before or after didn’t change the result for me. She had an excuse, but who cares? Tried For half a year before fuck this shit. I don’t live like a monk for the rest of my life because she decided it this way. Shall someone else bother with her moody swings without getting anything in return.
Went back to AP for good and made it legit. Best decision ever for both of us and the kids.
The problem is at the end of the day she puts kids to bed and falls alseep doing that. Why is she so tired by the end of the day? Is she taking care of the house and kids all day? Working then taking care of the kids? I don’t think she passes out to ignore spending time with you. She sounds like me at the end of the day. Tired worn out.
How are you contributing to the parenting and overall household chores? If I’m exhausted after cooking and cleaning all day then I do not feel like making love.
I don’t want to assume anything, so I’m asking a clarifying question. Do you help with bed time? Does she stay at home or work? Do you work? Cuz 4 hours? that’s a long time for you to not be doing anything. Even if she stays home and you work, she deserves time off from being the single parent. I’m obviously missing pieces of your puzzle so don’t take offense here but I’d Low-key feel resentment toward my husband of I was doing house/kid stuff on my own and he was just existing, waiting for me, another person pulling at me and asking for a piece of me. Maybe you’re cleaning or doing dishes and laundry or making lunches for the next day, that’s why I’m asking.