We’ve been together almost a year and a half, and throughout that time my boyfriend has almost always offered to pick me up when I go out drinking without him and he’s at home chilling.
I come from a family where lifts were few and far between and my parents never went out of their way to drop or pick me up from places, I had to learn to get to places and back by myself. I’ve always been super independent in this way.
My boyfriend says he offers because he wants to save me money and he’s not doing anything so why not?! But my independence sometimes feels compromised because I don’t want him to think I can’t get back on my own and have to rely on him, I also worry that it’s a controlling behaviour from him to make sure I’m not going home with anyone. Which of course I wouldn’t. He’s never controlling with the timings, if I wanted to stay out till 2am he wouldn’t be annoyed or make comments so maybe he is just being helpful?
Does anyone relate?
TL:dr: boyfriend always offers to pick me up from a night out, and sometimes it gets my back up
25 comments
Sounds like he’s doing it because he can, not for any nefarious reasons. If he gets shitty with you if you say ‘no thanks, I’ll Uber home when I’m ready to go’ then that might be something different.
Maybe he worries about you or maybe he worries you’ll go home with someone else.
The best and only thing to do is to ask him, calmly, when you’re not on your way home (or way out), what he’s thinking when he pushes to pick you up.
I can. But I was also in a super controlling relationship. It started as him doing things like that under the guise of being nice but it escalated from there.
What does he say when you politely decline? I would think that would be an indicator of whether he’s doing it to be nice
You are nuts. He tries to be nice and loving and you get butt hurt about it. Get over yourself a relationship is two people working TOGETHER. Screw your independence if your ego is so frail.
I’m sorry your parents didn’t give a shit about you or your safety and have made you think that doing so is controlling or some how nefarious.
I always tell my partner and his friends that if they need a ride, I’m happy to go get them. My stepdaughters (from my prior marriage) in college and their friends know I’ll make the 4 hour round trip to get them if they’re inebriated or stranded or in trouble and have done so a couple of times.
To me, it makes no sense to have my partner pay for an Uber in lieu of driving drunk when I’m available. I don’t *insist* on it, but I make sure he knows that I am able and willing. He rarely takes me up on it but he and I have certainly picked up some of his buddies before.
I think you’re overthinking this. I think you’ve just met a guy who is actually nice and cares about you.
Husbands would do this for their wives…normal couple thing. Based of the way you are thinking you will end up with power struggle with your own SO.
sometime people are just the way they seem. Its not often but maybe, just maybe you got someone who is just nice.
I wish your boyfriend was my boyfriend. He sounds like a dream boat. If you dump him, have him DM me. He can pick me up after a night out with the boys any time.
Sorry just sounds like he’s being nice and doing you a favour… which people do in healthy relationships btw.
I’m perfectly capable of safely walking home from my local but my husband still comes to pick me up just because he wants to make my life easier.
This is normal behaviour.
(Unless he’s saying “I’m coming to get you now, you’d better be ready”)
Ever since we got together, I always offered to pick up my bf from a night out (him and his friends) and so did he. He’d also give lifts to my friends. It’s no strings attached, it’s a sign of kindness and doesn’t speak to your lack of independence.
So indpendence is good, and also your parents were neglectful of your safety and you’re managing because you were neglected to turn your bf’s good acts (by your own account) into a defecit of his? C’mon.
It seems to come out from a place of concern and love. I offer to pick my wife up as well if I can when she visits friends and likewise she does for me if I visit friends or go to a pub
I’d always offer to pick up a partner from a night out because it’s a caring thing to do and it’s an opportunity to catch up. I’d never assume that they’d be incapable of getting themselves home and I’d really hope that if they were very drunk they’d call me anyway.
Therapy.
Based on this, you have issues. I’m guessing you’re used to all good things having a price. No one does anything nice unless they’re gonna use it against you later? Having your actions and expressing yourself being met with attacks and anger?
My tip, talk to your boyfriend. AND get therapy, not in stead of. Tell him about your issues, feelings and fears. “I feel like this because this” Make sure he knows that your insecurities is not an image of his actions. Let him reassure you. “I like picking you up, because I want you to be safe. I want you to get home safe. ” Let him be the partner you lay him out to be.
And also get therapy to work on your childhood trauma. It hurts, it’s hard, but if you don’t it will ruin the both of you. Living with that insecurity stuck in your body is stressful and exhausting
You’re a mess. Your “rocd” is apparently acting up again. You need therapy and probably some time alone to get your head on straight. This guys just trying to be a good boyfriend and the self sabotaging side of your brain is snapping on him, hitting him in bed, and falling in love with coworkers. Seriously girl you need to work on yourself
He wants you to get home safe. And alone.
what, are you planning to go home with someone? if not, then what’s the problem?
Therapy. You need some.
I think you’re overthinking, kindly. Offering to pick your spouse up is just a way to be nice, because you don’t want them to be uncomfortable taking public transport late at night, having trains cancelled and all the crap that keeps happening. I don’t think it’s a way to try to control you or make you less independent. You can always decline if you don’t want to, but I would probably take the offer most of the time. My partner used to pick me up from night shifts and I was very glad about it.
Guy is trying to be nice, could be worried about your safety, and that is how you think? Not sure you’re ready for a healthy relationship.
You have not stated anything about his behavior that would indicate anything other than him being helpful. My first thought was that he just wants to make sure you are home safe, rather than making sure you don’t go home with someone else and cheat on him.
Giving people that we care about rides is just what normal people do.
I don’t know why everyone is jumping on you. I would feel the same way.
When one partner is at home waiting for the other to come back then you’re really on their timetable. You don’t want to be inconsiderate to them because they’re doing you a favor.
But when I’m out I like to be on my own timetable, I also don’t like when my wife has to wait up for me. I would much prefer her to be able to enjoy herself for the night.
The only answer here is learning how to say no. It’s okay for you to tell him that you don’t need a ride, if he insists then yeah he is being controlling.
My best mate does this with his parter. 1, she doesn’t have to pay for a taxi and gets home safe. 2, he gets pizza.
He sounds like he really cares about you and is trying to make sure you get home safely.
If you dont like it, tell him you’ll uber tonight
From one UK person to another OP, after reading your post history you need to get in therapy and learn what a healthy relationship actually is before you sabotage this relationship with your current BF. What he’s doing is what I do with my wife if I am still awake when she’s been out. He’s just being a good BF and I wouldn’t look any deeper into it. I get you’ve got crap relationship with your parents and you used to be in an abusive relationship with your ex, but if you don’t address your prior trauma you are 100% going to screw this relationship up. I wish you luck.
It counters all logic, which is the challenge, but it can be hard to *accept* actual acts of love when we grew up in an environment that was not the case. Sounds like you have a good one. Makes me want to be better for my fiancé.