Married men that came to realize you were just the “safe choice”, how did you deal with it or fix it?

43 comments

  3. I’m not married but my first and only relationship so far, which only lasted about 3 weeks, was a similar situation. I got into a relationship and shortly into it found out she was cheating with her roommate’s casual fling. Much later on, it was revealed to me by her now ex-roommate why she even got with me in the first place. Basically, I was the “safe” option. I would care for her and had more to give financially than the guy she really liked — and I did. I did care for her and spent money to make sure she wasn’t lacking. I didn’t get intimate with her because she wouldn’t let it go that far. I thought she was just taking it slow but she was actually just fucking this other guy who she really liked. The guy was a fuck boy and was mainly just using her for fun. She knew it and didn’t mind. How did I deal with it? I left her. Shit sucked but I’ve learnt some lessons from it. The most important being “I will never be any woman’s safe option.” I’m learning cues to pick up on to know whether a woman is really interested in you and why. I know you probably can’t always tell, but at least I’ll be more prepared for the next time.

  4. Me mum married my dad who was the safe option. He is sensitive, educated, good with money and had a good job back then. He lacks some empathy skills so they argued about him wanting to play videogames after work and she wanted a break from parenting (also had a small business with other local new moms). Since then she has only dated really unempathetic unsensitive unambitious men. The safe choice is not what everyone wants amd eventually they figure it out. Not sure if it would have been better any other way but it is what it is. She currently despises her current husband for relying on her for everything, being bad at making income, and generally not being empathetic. I honestly don’t know what goes though people’s heads.

    Good luck I guess?

  5. I think by their 30’s most men that women choose are a kind of safe choice. There’s not a lot that separates most men, most aren’t that attractive, that exceptionally interesting, funny, smart, rich. Most men are regular Joe’s and normies. Women’s compass at that age becomes about domestic life, kids and finance, a safe option in this situation is a safe steady-eddie who she might fuck once a week and tell him a few thing he likes to hear.

  7. Divorce. Really. She dropped that gem on me and I noped out. Granted there were a ton of other things too, but that one was pretty brutal. She also said I was “a good paycheck”. She is now living in a double-wide in a dead-end job. At least she was right about the last one.

  8. We divorced. She wasn’t happy in the marriage like I thought she’d be since she holding on to those feelings for awhile. I was happy and took care of everything. In the end she said I was an amazing man, but she couldn’t find her spark for me anymore.

  9. Don’t want a derail….But, man up and go for what you want. It’s your choice to not be a safe choice. It’s a partnership. 100% at all times.

  10. My friend was a safe option, and now he is divorced and is paying alimony to her.

    Being the safe option is gonna end up in divorce. Women out here getting married to men they don’t like, and then divorcing the man because they never liked him in the first place.

    You boys be careful out there in the jungle.

  11. I went my own way, saved my own money, bought my own house, invested my own money and now I’m poised for retirement before 40.

    Granted I wasn’t married so I skipped on the asset division and child support bullshit.

  13. Took a few months for me to figure it out. At first, I legit thought we had a lot in common. But I eventually realized she stalked through my social media to figure out what to say to me.

    She called a family member in an attempt to figure out what she could do to close the deal with me.

    At one point, she even tried baby-trapping me. She was going to do the usual “oops, I’m pregnant, tee hee :)” bit. By then, I was already 90% sure I wanted to dump her. But that incident was what put her over the line.

    I realized she didn’t actually love me. What she loved was my paid off house, paid off cars, paycheck, etc. I personally was just a means to an end.

    When I called her out on all that, the sweet Little Miss Innocent thing went away and the mask came off. I saw who she truly is. And it wasn’t pretty.

    Dumping her was the best move I ever made. Ever since then, I have FWB’s and one-nighters. No girlfriend, no wife, no marriage, no commitment whatsoever. When the sex stops, so does our association. I ghost her and find someone else.

  14. So basically, women want Indiana Jones.

    A handsome, confident man with a stable well paying job, who is sometimes unpredictable and wild. A man who is definitely flawed in some ways, but despite his challenges, figures out how to salvage a win from the jaws of defeat.

    Okay, got it.

  15. Not me but a friend of mine

    He heard he’s wife talking on the phone to a friend about how she settled for him and that she has him wrapped around her finger. And then bragged about how she could do anything and get away with it.

    That’s we he realised the last 4 years had been a lie and he divorce her shortly after.

    He never told her why he filed for divorce till after the divorce was final. She apparently cried to him and pleaded saying she was just joking with a friend.
    He didn’t buy it.

  18. As a somewhat unstable individual, I don’t think being the safe choice is something I would want to fix.

  19. I was the safe option for someone. Not married though. She cheated with her ex.

  20. I mean we all kinda go with the “safe choice”. Yes it’s awesome to have a lot of physical attraction and great sex, and connect with conversation etc., but we do need somebody who will be there for us, somebody who won’t be violent or abusive, somebody who doesn’t have dangerous vices(as far as spending money or drinking or drugs or whatever), if we had to choose between safety or passion most of us will go with safety.
    It is the foundation of Maslow’s pyramid of needs after all.
    So if you are the “safe choice” I wouldn’t add the “just” there, it’s a huge deal and big act of trust and love for your partner to consider you the “safe choice”.

  21. Maybe I haven’t tested my mettle out in the field, but it looks like the majority of men here are so cynical and pessimistic that it feels so sad. See you later, leaving the sub before the negativity rubs off on me.

  22. Im happy being a safe choice any day. Its when that “just” context gets thrown in there that the problem happens. Safe should be the goal. Safe is loving. Safe is loyal. Safe is someone you can meet up with at the end of the day and feel at home.

    When she slept around, she stopped being my safe choice so I divorced her.

  23. When she marries the safe guy she gives up on oral and start cheating because she knows that the husband is not going to leave or if he makes a big deal out of it she doesn’t have to listen to him.

  24. It seems like some people here don’t quite get what “safe choice” means in this context. It means the most readily attainable guy that has his shit together. In this scenario the wife might not actually love or respect the man and is only on board to be there so long as there’s benefits to be had. That’s not where you want to be in with your supposed life partner

  25. When my ex-wife started sleeping with another man and considered me her back up plan, that was it for me. Of course in her mind I’m the one that didn’t try hard enough but with all that and the other lies it was too much.

  26. This is a good one. I won’t speak for my own experience, but I will for my soon to be ex brother-in-law. He was the safe option. He was nothing like the men my sister would date. He was simply just safe. He’s go above and beyond for her. The guy lived to support her. At the time of them getting together my sister was alone. She was passing by paycheck to paycheck and struggling in many aspects of her life. This guy was simply willing to do what she hated to do. Which was work. Anyways, I started feeling him things rushing fast and I personally liked the guy but I just knew he was making a mistake. I tried to warn him about running too fast with a blindfold on but he was such an emotional guy with abandonment issues. So you guys can already imagine the type of guy he was. So fast forward he starts making money and starts trying to have my sister move in with him and she does because the place she finds is better than the room she was renting by herself at the time. They live together for a while until one day they secretly get married. I know it was his doing. I know he just got in his feelings and decided that stupidity was a great idea. They randomly announce one day at a family dinner that they got married. My parents were meh and I shook my head because I knew that no matter what that was ending in divorce. I told my mother what I thought, and she never believed it would end in divorce. She said she saw him too dumb all over her.

    ​

    Almost a little over a decade later they are divorcing. She never directly told him or maybe did hint it in certain arguments but basically, he started to catch on to what he always knew. The ticking time bomb he had buried in the back of his head slowly started to come to the center. When problems began he admitted to my mom that he baby trapped her and married her all were reactions when feeling like he was losing his grip on her. What an idiot. Babies don’t trap anyone. This is why I tell all the fellas to never deny the truth and decide to live a lie. Sometimes you’re just too convenient. When the baby came my sister was simply more depended on him. That’s all it was dependance. Her refusal to be a single mother. He was never a bad dude, it’s not like she was miserable alongside him. But he somewhat was. Killing himself to provide for her and lavish her with gifts. It’s not just about the mans perspective. It’s about the womans too. My sister admitted to me about regret of not ending up with someone who would’ve been her top pick. He spent most of his life being a pleaser to be picked all for him to end up over a decade later paying child support and alimony.

    ​

    Don’t ever live a lie be realistic to why you ended up being picked even when you weren’t the first pick.

  27. I’ve never been in a relationship and reading through these comments makes me think I’m actually lucky to enjoy the money I wake up at 4:30 am Monday to Fridays for.

  28. My mom constantly says this about my dad. Constantly. I am 30. They are still together. I’m not sure he is aware she feels this way.

  29. It wasn’t until years later I realized this was the case with my first girlfriend.

    We dated in highschool and thoughout college. We didn’t have sex very often. Blowjobs were off the table, as were a number of regular positions like doggy. She shot down my attempts at things like dirty talk. Even when we’d go on vacation I’d feel guilty for trying to have sex with her. Physical intimacy wasn’t at the level I wanted. Somewhere in of the middle of the relationship she said she wished that we had instead met years later. That she had always wanted to spend college being “a wild girl”. When we were off and on at the end of the relationship after graduating she lamented that she “could’ve slept with so many people!”. It still hurts to type that out. When we finally broke up one of the reasons she gave me was that she didn’t think I’d be a good provider. (Ironic since she had become super feminist in college.)

    Years go by.

    I heard through mutual friends that when she went to grad school she went all out. Drinking (which neither of us had previously done much of), partying, lots of sex with men and women, threesomes, anal, etc. Indeed, when we reconnected as friends a decade later she admitted to me, without going into much detail, that she treated grad school more like undergrad.

    It hurts to think about. But here’s the thing… she wasn’t wrong.

    I *was* boring. I was the safe choice. I wasn’t very attractive physically or personality-wise. I wasn’t exciting or great at sex. I was needy and acted like a doormat to try to make her happy. I understand now why she didn’t see me as a very sexual person. And truth be told my financial prospects and ambitions weren’t great, so I didn’t even have that silver lining to offer! I do think I was a good boyfriend and a good guy, but I now know and understand why that isn’t a priority for young women. I’m not angry anymore. Not at her, at least.

    When we reconnected years later in our thirties, there was a bit of question in the air whether we would get back together. I think she was excited at the idea. But I met my now-wife before that could happen, plus I had gained enough self respect to not go through with that.

    Based on my own observations and the words of at least one friend, she does regret letting me go. AFAIK she lives alone and makes it sound like she doesn’t date much. I do feel bad for her. (Ok, if I’m being honest it’s like 90% pity, 10% schadenfreude.) But she’s a nice woman and deserves to be happy.

    I’m currently married to a great wife and I work constantly to make sure I never become the safe choice ever again.

    EDIT: I should state I do believe she loved me for who I was with all her heart. It’s just that she wanted more before settling with me.

  30. Pretty confident that I’m the safe choice. I can’t quite confirm it though. I do know that my sexual needs are irrelevant to her. She blames endometriosis for that, which is a logical understandable reason to not have sex if you’ve ever been around it. That said, I’d be happy with a hand job.

    She’s critical of about everything I do. Not over the top critical but there’s always a comment. Or some lingering thought, if you will that I missed something. There’s never resolution in our conversations. Not ever. It always ends in her saying “ok fine! Then we’ll do that”. If we are talking about making a schedule or something for the kids. But it’s the tone of voice and the look in her eye that says it’s not fine. And it usually isn’t, she goes and does her own thing anyway.

    There’s generally not a lot of respect from her. I’m a good man, I don’t sit down really. I don’t want TV. I can build her a house and maintain it, I work but I’m not rich. I don’t cheat, I take great care of our kids, she drives a brand new car I drive the old shitty one. I generally do
    2x the work around the house than she does, but she often makes trivial complaints about the house. I renovated it to her taste. Like a complete gut job. it looks brand new and I did showroom quality work. It stings when she says that. Like my work isn’t good enough.

    But when I want to go fishing or help my parents on the farm she finds every reason I’m an asshole going. It’s as if doing something for myself is a problem.

    Idk how this road ends for us, we have a 2.5 year old and a 1 week old. She’s treated me this way since before we had kids. It’s just now that Im starting to see how little respect she has for me.

  31. I have plenty of male colleagues in the tech field who married women who were aging out of the party scene and ‘settled’ for them because these guys are the safe bet. You kind of look at these couples and wonder “how in the world?” while other people guess when hubby was scoped out by his partner on LinkedIn before she made her choice and said ‘him’. Anyway, for their wives, and god bless them, they hit that realization that their best days of looking good, going out, partying and making questionable relationship choices are behind them and they did it early enough (or had their mothers beat it into their skull) to use what looks they have still to find that man who spent his 20’s and early 30’s on his career and less so on on social skills and interactions. She’ll have the nice home and car and life and her husband will feel like this is an inclusion he feels he deserves for his work ethic and career prospects. I can’t say it’s all bad, and as long as everyone is happy then who cares, right?

    Meanwhile, wifey will keep a special folder on her icloud account to reminisce about the bad boy who never aged out of living a fun life, you know the fun guy sharing an apartment with 7 of his best buds or whoever can pay for the couch and saves up his tips on cover and cheap drinks as he continues to live for the highs of wowing another 21 year old in the bar on a Friday night? The guy who is aging like fine grisled box wine and is doing whatever it takes to close out his night with any girl gullible enough to believe he genuinely thinks that she is special. Wifey has creature comforts now for sure, but only if her husband wasn’t so boring, and only if he knew what just to say to her then maybe she’d blow him in the bathroom at the restaurant for a change.

    This is all anecdotal from 10+ years ago in San Francisco where you’d see ppl’s insta’s and do a deep scroll past the wedding photos and see someone’s wife’s selfies taken in front of the closet mirror with the mattress on the floor and a tornado disaster of clothes in the background.

  32. The thing is…the type of girls that believe they are choosing the safe choice over Chad Thundercock can’t ever make it work with the safe choice. They will eventually cheat or sabotage things; they can’t help but gravitate toward sexy, unstable, and mean (with occasional love bombs thrown in). Been there myself, they honestly just can’t handle stable and nice.

  33. I dealt with it by leaving her. Turns out, I was the safe option for putting the ring on her finger. She didn’t want anything else from me, just a married status. Also she cheated.. with the bf she had before me, cause she loved him still.

  34. My ex-wife stayed with me because I continued to stay with her after her physical and mental abuse. But when she told a mutual friend that leaked back to me that, “The only reason I stay with him is because he works hard and I don’t want to,” I left and never looked back. She told me she resented me because I wouldn’t pay for her to go on vacations that I wasn’t allowed to go on. Obviously in hindsight it was to fuck her boyfriend.

    The same woman would also tell me I’d never have a college degree, that I didn’t have the motivation to do it. Well, I now have a MS. I made sure to dedicate my announcement that I was graduating with a Master’s to all the people that ever doubted me.

  36. If my future wife says this to me then I’ll get ready enraged.

    I won’t harm her but I’ll make sure to prove her wrong. I’ll start serial cheating. Won’t even try to hide it. Spend my money on side chicks. Let her know how “safe option” I am.

    I won’t even ask for divorce until she mentions it.

    I don’t believe in revenge but this will be a extreme situation for me.

  37. The boomers were the last Westerners to marry someone who grew up with them on the same block.
    You can have a successful relationship with most of the people you met, but both people have to want it.

  39. The decision between do you marry the one you love more or the one who loves you more.

  40. Staying with someone when you know you aren’t really happy, is not only selling yourself short, but it’s also really disrespectful to your partner. For all you know, they could be with someone that really loves them, if it weren’t for you just occupying space in their lives.

  41. Get the fuck out before its too late. Never be with a woman who doesn’t really want you. She will grow to hate you for not being who she wanted and she’ll make your life miserable out of resentment.

  42. I’m glad to see so many men in the comments leave the situation after being told they were the 2nd choice. That’s self respect and if more guys acted that way we’d be in a better position

  43. I’m not married, but I was a backup for a few girlfriends. As others stated, safe, kind, reliable, good paychek. Treated them well.

    But I was not a “bad boy”. I was not “rich.” At the time, I was in the Army.

    When I realised that I was only a safe bet, I always walked away. I never married, nor did I have any kids and a good thing too. I learned the hard way, never to trust any woman unconditionally.

    The worst were single mothers. They saw me as somebody who would fox their mistakes, and they can take advantage of them. But I was a placeholder until they got back together with the ex, or the one they really wanted, became available.

    I date, I enjoy life, and I am very much skilled in recognising red flags without being paranoid. I don’t hold any grudges, and I know there are good women out there. I just haven’t found one.

    One thing I stay away from at all costs are single mothers. I will never again date a single mother. Ever!

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