A few years ago my girlfriend was on Facebook messenger messaging a guy for a month. She started sending flirty messages behind my back while swearing and promising that she wasn’t. I found out and was livid, but gave it another chance. We gave each other access to each other’s phones. I found it very difficult to not be scared and worried about things. She swore it would never happen again.
A little while back she expressed interest in finding friends to talk to on Reddit. She’s been hesitant to show me these conversations, but ultimately has. Last week she told me she didn’t want to show me her phone anymore, but she promised that if anybody started flirting with her she would cut them off immediately and tell me about it because she said that wasn’t what she was looking for.
I’ll just jump ahead and say that she was talking to this guy and moved to Telegram. This guy was very obviously interested in her and was flirting quite heavily. She did NOT stop talking to him and definitely didn’t tell me about it.
She kept talking to him. She said things along the lines of, “I’m currently trying to respect my relationship, but I’ll let you know if anything changes.” He said “I feel like I’m going to slip and flirt with you”, to which she asked him why he feels that way. She told him, “You’re the only person I was remotely worried about not being able to talk to” in regard to me not wanting her to talk to these guys out of fear of something like this happening. They told each other they were scared of being abandoned by the other (although she does have abandonment fears). She says she cut him off after a day of this, but she really didn’t. It was entirely open-ended and she said she would talk to him in a few days and just didn’t message him afterwards. Could have easily just messaged him and continued as she has in the past.
I also found out were other guys that flirted with her, after which she continued talking to. Only reason for stopping was because the conversation fizzled out. I’m not entirely sure about these ones because she deleted one and she said the WhatsApp conversation deleted itself after she deleted the app. No idea how these conversations went.
She’s adamant that she lied but didn’t cheat; but after typing this all out, it sounds like she kind of had something going on with this guy. Just looking for outside opinions.
tl;dr: Girlfriend broke my trust a couple of years ago, recently told me she doesn’t want me having access to her phone, the day after this conversation she has guys flirting with her and lets them despite promising that she would end the conversation immediately.
18 comments
>while swearing on her child that she wasn’t.
drop this garbage bag
It doesn’t have to be cheating to break up. Lying is plenty
I’m sure it will be the same in the comments but you need to end the relationship and take care of yourself.
It’s clear you have tired talking and even giving each other social media access so there isn’t really anything else to do.
So yeah, break up with her, focus on yourself and I’m sure you’ll find someone that will truly want to be with you.
Once a cheater always a cheater you can never trust her. Bin her and move on
You don’t know how to feel? I think you know exactly how you feel. A better question is why do you allow yourself to be treated like this?
You need to have a serious talk with her about boundaries and trust. If she’s not willing to be completely transparent and honest, then it might be time to move on.
Let’s see. She’s lied to you and continues the behavior that led to her cheating before. So let’s say she hasn’t cheated again yet. How can you trust that she won’t when she’s lied and continues the behavior that led to her cheating in the first place. If she’s not willing to work and rebuild your trust what’s the point?
Trust is like a glass vase. It can be incredibly strong but once broken, even if glued back together, you’ll always be able to see the cracks. It will always be weaker than it was before. It will always be a problem.
If I were in your shoes and given what you’ve posted, I would end the relationship. She obviously has issues with needing attention and whether it’s a constant desire for more or a failure by both of you to understand love languages, it really doesn’t matter. She is seeking out others emotionally and that is causing problems. You’ve tried talking to her about it, tried taking steps to control it, but none of that has worked. The last step would be to look up “sunk cost fallacy”, realize the relationship doesn’t have the future you hoped, and move on.
She has a pattern.
Even if she didn’t technically cheat. Even if, on some level, she genuinely wants to build friendships. The actual pattern she has, and you’ve agreed to tolerate so far, is that she lies to you about her choices.
As long as you stay, she’s going to lie to you about her contact and her choices with these men.
Im resoecting my relationship but will tell u if that changes?
Yea f her man… id dump her ass over that comment alone. Youre her placeholder and shes USING you until she finds someone she thinks is better. Fuck that
Trust is huge and the lack of will continue to taint your relationship should you choose to keep moving forward with it. Sadly, people like this enjoy being chased and don’t really appreciate that long-term relationship vibe. They want the best of both worlds, so they keep you around while getting their ego filled from chatting/snapping extras. It’s not fair and you’ll always wonder who she’s talking to or if she’s still doing it. At 28 she should be well aware of the implications of these conversation and what it’s doing to you…. she simply doesn’t care and doesn’t want to stop. Why wait around for her to officially “cheat” when you know she’s lied and these emotional online relationships on multiple occasions? It hurts you, she knows that, yet she continues. That should be all the “proof” you need to end it.
How are you 31 and are asking what to do like it’s your first relationship or betrayal like you’re 14 yrs old?
Have some respect for yourself. She’s lied multiple times. Let her flirt, as a single woman. Dump this attention “seeker”
It seems like she really just wants to be single if she is seeking out other guys to talk to in a flirtatious way, even if under the guise of “making friends”. Regardless, if you both can’t trust in your relationship enough to the point where you **need** to have access to each other’s phones… it’s time to call it.
> She’s adamant that she lied but didn’t cheat
Considering you took her back after the first time, I’m not surprised she went with this excuse. Grow a spine
I’ve been in this situation and recently broke it off. Do yourself a favor and save yourself from wasting further valuable time that is irreplaceable. I’ve learned this the hard way. 5 1/2 year relationship. Caught her doing it 2 years in the first time then again a few months back and it ended about 3 weeks ago. Once the seeds are planted, it’s game over. Take this advice as you like.
So why does she have to have cheated for you to end the relationship?
By breaking up. That’s how you move forward.
If you can’t trust her. There’s no relationship.
It doesn’t really matter if she cheated or not. You know for a fact that you can’t trust her, even after giving her a second chance. There’s nothing to save.