This is going to be bit of a long one..
I(21F) fucked things up pretty badly with a guy(21M) I’ve been seeing for 4 months. We both went on trips for spring break and talked before hand about if we would be hooking up with people while gone. He said he wasn’t planning on it and I said that I might. He left for his trip before me and the whole time he was away was making it seem like he didn’t hook up with anyone. He calls me on one of the last nights of my trip while I’m drunk and asks me about my day. I tell him about it and bring up a few interactions I had with guys, and then he asks if I’ve hooked up with anyone and I made a joke about having a threesome (he made one about having a foursome a few nights ago) he proceeds to hang up on me after this and we have an argument over text. I said some nasty things toward him that I now feel bad about it. I was basically upset because I know he was flirting and making out w/ (at the time I didn’t know he slept with anyone) girls over break yet he got pissy and hung up when I made a joke about a threesome. He said I was trying to make him jealous and it was childish. I felt like he was being a hypocrite.
He calls me back a bit after texting back and forth and 2 guys walk out of their room and try flirting with me, I’m still on the phone with him by this point and essentially tell the guys to fuck off and I start reassuring the guy I’m dating that I don’t plan on hooking up with anyone (I can tell he’s feeling pretty jealous and insecure at this point). This leads to me asking him if he had gotten with anybody to which he states he slept with 2 ppl. This sets me off because I don’t understand how he could hook up with people and then feel bad about me doing the same. Fast forward the 2 guys come out of their room again and I start to flirt with them while he’s on the phone. I say something along the lines of “yeah he’s annoying me and I’m about to hang up” when they bring up him being on the phone. He starts panicking and having an anxiety attack. I end the call telling him I’ll call back and he starts calling me multiple times and texting asking to please talk to me. He sends me a picture of us together and starts saying things like “if you care about me you wouldn’t get w/ anyone”, “if you see anything w/ me you wouldn’t do this, I want to be with you”, “I’m not going to get any sleep tonight because of this.” In the moment I felt he was being manipulative and hypocritical so I showed no empathy for him and we ended the call again soon after.
I didn’t speak to him the day after that saying I didn’t feel like talking but I love him and will see him when I get back. A day after I get back he says we need to talk. We talk and he says I made him feel worthless by flirting with people in front of him and that I hurt him deeply. He said his intentions were never to hurt me with his actions but that my intentions were to hurt him. He told me he needs to take a step back from us and that whenever he thinks about me he gets angry by the situation. He told me to get my things from his place and to give him his clothes back. I did. He said he doesn’t know what he’s going to do but that he won’t be seeing me any time soon until he gets over it. I sent a voice note the other night telling him how sorry I was and that I’ll give him space until he cools off.
I know I can’t really do much now because it’s all in his hands but I just feel like I fucked up what could’ve been the best relationship I’ve had. He was always so sweet and considerate of me and now I feel like I lost him. Should I send him a gift as an apology? Or just not speak to him? He said I could text him if I want but depending on how he feels he can’t guarantee he’ll respond. I just don’t know what to do or what to think at the moment… I don’t know how to fix things.
TLDR::// Learned a guy I’m seeing slept with 2 girls while away on a guys trip. I proceeded to flirt with men in front of him while we were on the phone which led to him getting jealous and having a panic attack. Says I was being cruel and petty and that I hurt him deeply, and now wants to take a step back from us. Need advice on how to fix things
For clarity we are not official, just in the talking stage but have made it clear we would both like to get together in the near future.
6 comments
Ok, so you’re not official, which sorta explains the spectacularly stupid decision to ask each other if you’re going to screw around on vacation.
Leave him alone to figure out what comes next. But lesson learned: if you like someone, don’t toy with their feelings, don’t act like them or you being with someone else for a cheap drunken hook-up is cool, because it isn’t.
Was it shitty of you to flirt with those guys while he was on the phone? Sure. You could have handled that way better. But do not forget that up to that point, the conversation that happened was that he got mad and hung up on you for even joking about sleeping with other people, while he himself had slept with two people that week, which he was not forthcoming about.
IMO you should just learn whatever lessons you feel you can take from this experience and leave this guy in the past.
It’s just childish point scoring if it continues down this path end it before you end up being really hurt
Just communicate lol
He probably slept with people because you told him you might sleep with someone which probably bothered him. You are justified in thinking he’s a hypocrite, but you handled it poorly.
Both of you clearly care for eachother but are trying to pretend to be unattached because apparently just being honest about your feelings is very hard.
Honestly, just take some space and then take the charge to ask to be exclusive if this is what you want. Having that level of intimacy and not being exclusive is a recipe for disaster
I think the immediate thing to do is tell him you’re sorry and step back for a week or two. You both need a little time to cool off.
Then if you can re-establish contact and a relationship, work on treating each other with respect, and being more direct in your communication. If you didn’t want him to hook up on his trip, you should have told him that you wouldn’t hook up with anyone on your trip. If you had communicated better before the trips, you might have avoided all this.
One other thought.. , try to find ways to generate passion in your relationship, without resorting to jealousy. Jealousy might work with a hookup, but not long term.
Anyway, you can’t undo the past. You can only apologize and move forward
Both of you suck frankly. It’s shitty that he saw himself as allowed to sleep around but you not be allowed to. It’s a bullshit double standard.
And for you. The fact you literally flirted with those guys while on the phone JUST to play with his heart is equally despicable.
To be upfront. You 2 almost certainly can’t make a relationship work after this. It’d be best to move on and look for someone else. Someone who wouldn’t make those double standards on you. And someone who you wouldn’t want to hurt the heart of.