I’m not really sure if this is the right sub for something like this, but I really feel like I’ve reached a breaking point in my life and I just really need some support. For my entire life I’ve had a fetish. I’m not going to say what the fetish is but just know that it makes me hate myself beyond what words can describe. I started looking at it when I was probably 9 or 10. I remember that it made me hard but I didn’t know why. And ever since then (I’m 19 now) it’s the only “porn” Ive ever watched. I’ve realized it’s a problem as it’s not something I ever want to engage in with a partner, I just want to have normal sex. But when I tried watching regular porn, I just wasn’t able to get myself going in the same way. It’s like I’ve become so dependant on this one thing that I’ve completely fucked over the rest of my life and it’s making me so unbelievably depressed. I just want to live a normal life, but this fetish is so intense that even after probably almost 10 years of watching the same disgusting things over and over again I’m usually able to go from soft to climax in under 30 seconds. I’m sorry if this is graphic I’m just trying to paint the best picture about how badly I’m struggling. So god please if anyone else is experiencing or has experienced something like this please tell me that there’s hope, and what steps I can go about to fixing this. Like I said I just want to live a normal life and have a normal partner, but I’m just feeling so hopeless right now. It’s really bringing me to some dark places.
13 comments
Sex therapist! This is way above reddit’s paygrade.
And anything you say in therapy is confidential UNLESS you admit to planning (not just fantasizing) to do something criminal.
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Whether fetishes can be altered is an issue therapists disagree about. Personally I tend to think that intentionally changing your sexuality is very difficult, if not impossible. Trying to rid yourself of a fetish strikes me as similar to conversion therapy – you may find ways to repress your feelings, or not act out on them, but you like what you like.
Now, the thing you *can* do is change your attitude towards that aspect of yourself. As long as you’re not hurting anyone (e.g. watching something that is non-consensual or otherwise abusive), you’re not doing anything wrong. It may feel like you’re never going to find anyone else into it, or that no one would ever accept it about you, but that’s also probably not true.
If it is something that is illegal, abusive, or causing harm, then that does pose a much more difficult situation. In that case, it may amount to a disorder, and you need to come to a place where you can avoid hurting others. The first step would be therapy.
I think therapy is a good idea either way, as it sounds like you definitely need support processing this.
I have several fetishes that use to conflict with my morals, those that seemed a bit taboo. I struggled internally with them alot, including some mild acting out. The struggle was real, specially being married and having a public persona with my work.
After talking to therapists, I was able to properly file some desires and thoughts (fetishes) as a part of my sexuality. A part, not all. I remain in a monogamous marriage, but there was no reason to deny a part of me that brought me pleasure.
Your brain becomes wired to what you experience. For you, it is a certain type of porn. You need to stop viewing that porn permanently. It will take time for your brain to rewire. Maybe you can simply go out on some dates with young ladies to start with.
feel ya, are these fetishes illegal? is that why you feel shame?
Ok, let’s just say you can THINK it’s unusual and bad.
I’ve had that with my mouth fetish – girls I’ve been with kept calling me weirdo because I got literally hypnotized when they opened their mouths. For years I was led to believe it’s something stupid and disgusting. Who gets turned on by someone’s inside of mouth, right?
Then I met my current FWB+. Obviously, she noticed, and… it turned her on. She likes that she can hypnotize me whenever she wants and feels empowered by it.
That made us communicate on our other, weirder fetishes I don’t really want to talk about, but we both reveal them, talk about them and finally used them – there’s a rule “no kink shaming but I can say I don’t like this one” – and we turn each other on even more.
So, back to the question: is it really something no other human being would like to participate in, or something you’re just scared of, because you didn’t meet a right person?
Sooo I get this to my core. I started watching porn way too young. I had this issue to the point I had to close my eyes and fantasize about my fetishes in order to cum during sex. I was accused of thinking about exes and I would rather my sexual partners think I was thinking about exes than what I was actually thinking about. What I had to do was just ween myself off it. Basically I would try to masterbate to the images of past porn I watched in my head but wouldn’t allow myself to watch new stuff. Eventually as I got older and had more regular sex, I was able to move past it. Of course full disclosure, I replaced those fetishes with new ones that are equally as freaky/kinky just more widely accepted lol
That being said, I would recommend like the others, that you maybe see a therapist for a couple quick sessions. If it’s something that continues to bother you.
just tell us what it is
The reason people are asking what the fetish is is because that would change the advice they would give you. The advice might be “dude, that is really not a weird fetish, that’s totally normal, you will have no problem finding sexual partners to accept this, you just need to get over your hang ups and learn to accept this part of yourself” versus it might be “whoa, that is a really crazy and weird fetish, it is outside the realm of normal and healthy, this will inhibit you from establishing a relationship with a partner, you need to get help to break this mental association and you need therapy”. Without knowing the fetish, people can’t really give you any useful advice.
Sex therapist here. I know that isn’t what you’re looking for right now but I’ve helped many people with unusual fetishes or kinks and I’m sure if you reach out to a sex therapist in your area and explain how you’re hesitant to go to therapy because you’re afraid you’ll be judged you should be able to tell from their response if they’re going to be a safe place for you or not. I can’t think of anything a client could tell me that would make me judge them. Either way I hope you find what works for you.
Try cutting out hard-core porn and masturbating less frequently. If you fap every day, for example, try reducing it to once every 3-4 days at most. You should find that you will be much more sensitive when you do fap, and it will be easier to get off without the porn.
You are not unloveable or unfuckable!
If it makes you feel any better, my partner of 12 years also has a fetish that they are embarrassed of and it is also really intense for them.
When they had first told me (a few years into the relationship) I was really taken back and kind of freaked out.
I could immediately see how upset and vulnerable my partner felt about it, and I just decided I was okay with it and we could even explore it together.
It’s honestly not my favorite thing to do. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything, but it just doesn’t really do anything sexually for me.
Anyways, don’t feel alone. Know that there a plenty of people in the world with their own bizarre fetishes.
I do agree that if you really find that you don’t want this to be a fetish anymore, go see a sex therapist.