I (M35) work at an office with my co-worker (F25). Our offices are next door to one another and have been for the past 1.5 years. This has led to frequent chatting sessions over that time.
Ever since we became friendly, it feels like we’ve been drawn toward one another like magnets. She’s the easiest person to talk with I’ve ever known. I could hang out with her for hours (and sometimes do, we have a pretty open office and will bring our laptops into each other’s office to work from time to time). When I’m not around her, I want to be. When I’m with her, I don’t want to leave. And to top it off, she has literal supermodel looks. 10/10. But honestly, it’s truly her personality that I fell for. It feels like we’re made for each other.
Last year around this time, we had a couple “moments”. We’re talking, then the talking trails off, and we are both looking at one another. They were brief and only happened once or twice. Not long after, she started dating a guy. Ever since then, she and I stopped talking as much. She’s still with the guy, and honestly he seems like a great guy so I was happy for her. And I’m married (I’ll get to that in a moment), so I tried to chalk it up to a workplace crush and move on.
But recently, over the past several weeks, we’ve started talking again. And now it’s more than ever. We tag alongside each other to any meetings, we talk in the hallway, we talk over lunch. We text, we DM. Nothing inappropriate, mostly just sharing funny posts. We’ve had a couple more moments. She compliments my clothing or calls me handsome. She grabs my arm when she laughs. The other day I slipped up a bit and told her she was amazing. But she is. I love her. I’ve tried to reason it away as so many other things, but she feels like my best friend and when I go home for the day I just want to sleep so I can wake up and see her again. I’ve spent so many hours trying to look at it from all angles but I keep coming back to honest love.
The thing is, I’m married with kids. And so having these feelings is making me feel absolutely terrible. My wife (F34) and I have been together for 15 years, and it’s been up and down. We got pregnant after 9 months of marriage and never really had a chance to learn how to be married. She knows that my coworker and I are close. She’s seemed fine with it, but once in a fight she told me she thought I was going to cheat on her with the coworker. She’s starting to notice that I am feeling distant at home. Today she asked if I was still happy with her and wanted to be together. I said yes. But I hesitated.
I feel bad because she’s done nothing to deserve this. We’re mostly fine. But even at our best, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I feel about my coworker and I hate that for her and for our kids. I don’t think we’re wrong for each other. But I’m starting to feel like I have a better match.
I’ve never considered cheating before. I don’t like the idea of it. And to be fair, I don’t have concrete evidence that my coworker even feels the same as I do, but I do get a pretty strong vibe from her. And my other coworkers have made comments that lead me to believe they’re noticing.
My question is this: Do I talk openly with my coworker and tell her how I feel? Or do I try to live with it and fix my marriage?
TL;DR: I’m married with kids, the marriage has been up and down but overall good. I’ve fallen hard for a coworker and I don’t know whether I should tell her.
22 comments
Why on God’s earth would you talk to your 25 year old coworker before talking to your wife?
she’s 10 years younger than you. you just have fomo. think about how your wife would feel
Seek counseling to figure out what you really want.
>I’m married with kids
This is the only answer. How would your wife feel? How about your kids? I think you’re allowing yourself to get swept up into a fantasy, because you only have to see her at work after she’s dressed up and putting her best foot forward. You see your wife in all the highs and lows; of course it is going to be more fun with your coworker.
TL;DR: Your responsibility is to your family first.
One word.
THERAPY.
Don’t throw away your marriage and your kids because of an infatuation. It won’t be worth it.
It’s not worth it!
You’re infatuated with the attention she’s giving you.
You’re gonna leave your wife only to discover the 25-year-old with model looks is not interested in you like that and has no desire to be a stepmother. You’re close now because she regards you as safe and trustworthy. So act like it and be nothing but professional with this woman before you screw up your career. If people are noticing, you’re not keeping it professional enough.
Edit to add, in case it isn’t obvious, no, you don’t tell her, unless you want to be humiliated and fired, and also divorced with your ex and three kids hating you. I’ve seen it play out many times. The 25-year-old might even consent to an affair or marrying you, because she’s young and doesn’t know better, but at some point she’s going to realize she can find someone who’s just as nice to her and doesn’t have ex drama and three kids who will resent her forever. This is a road to nowhere.
Here’s the thing. If you dump your wife and kids for the younger model and it doesn’t work out there’s no going back. None of them are gonna give you the time of day you will never get a second chance so take that chance now and suggest therapy. Try to work on making your marriage work before you throw it away
Well you’ve never lived with her and you’ve never had disagreements because you are not in a relationship. So I’m not sure you are in love with her or just the excitement and closeness she brings you. Either case, don’t talk to the coworker. decide what you want to do (commit to the marriage or leave and become coparents). But whatever you do, don’t try to confess to the coworker to see if she’s into you and THEN make the decision about your wife. Ya gotta make a decision based on your family not a fantasy.
You aren’t in love, you are infatuated and it seems appealing because love in the context of marriage is hard and you want an escape.
This is not how a man should act. You have a wife and children you imbecile, you dishonour them by behaving this way.
You let feelings of lust and personal greed cloud your judgement. If you wanted to be a playboy then you shouldn’t have gotten married and made those vows to her.
What about your kids? Do you want them to grow up in dysfunctional households with single parents?
You really haven’t thought this through.
Fix your marriage, find things that bring happiness to both of you and don’t mess up your childrens lives.
It’s flat out reprehensible to even consider telling your coworker how you feel before you resolve the issues in your marriage. If the coworker doesn’t feel the same, do you plan to pretend it never happened? What, you’ll just try to work it out with your wife like you didn’t do anything wrong? As if you didn’t massively betray her by trying to have an affair/leave her for someone else?
Crushes happen, even to married people, but you have massively crossed the line by even considering confiding your feelings to your coworker. Don’t mistake infatuation for love. Stop spending so much time with the coworker and invest that energy where it belongs – in your career and your family.
Figure out what you want with your wife, basing the decision on the assumption that if you leave her, you will be alone. That will be how you figure out how you actually feel.
Come on dude. You indulged this way too far, and have been being disrespectful to your wife and your marriage for a long time already by letting it get to this point. You fucked up, and you’re still fucking up.
You need to put some distance between yourself and your coworker and focus on your marriage. It’s very easy to imagine what life would be like with this beautiful young woman who you have never had any conflicts or issues with, but you need to realize that if you don’t make an effort to respect your wife and repair your marriage, you are going to do incredible damage to your family for something that might not even be real. If you do couples therapy and focus on your marriage and really try and things don’t work out, that’s one thing, but it doesn’t sound like your marriage has any huge issues… other than the fact that it doesn’t seem as exciting as goofing around with your hot young coworker.
You made a vow to your wife and you have a family to consider. Grow up and be realistic about what that means.
Since she’s an interested party, ask your wife what are her thoughts on the subject.
Your kids may also have some choice words to share, given that you’re so determined to obliterate their entire future.
this is a fantasy, you have not been in a real relationship with your coworker. You’re gonna leave your wife or cheat on her, only to find out the realistic ways in which you and this coworkers don’t work well
figure out what’s going on at home first before you roll this large dumb dice
It’s easy to fall for someone when you spend so much time together speaking and getting to know each other. Imagine to spend this time actually speaking with your wife. Like you can message her during your day, then come home and speak with her more. Don’t you think that it would improve your relationship? But instead you are doing this with your co-worker and I think that is a little bit naively believing that the grass is greener on the other side. But just let me picture your future:
A – honest way
1. Divorce – process, papers, separation, broken hearts etc
2. Finally you can be with new love, dating, everything is so exciting
3. After some time routine creeps into your lives, children on weekends, maybe still having the same job,so let’s say 24/7 365 together. Then she starts to feel like having a child. So wedding, pregnancy, hormones, sexless months, crying baby, sleepless nights
4. Maybe she or you change the job and would spent time (8+ hr) with other people. And as you both know how you got together, jealous feelings come alive. Insecurities (you will be 40), distrust, jealousy enters your life.
B – cheating
1. Waw, sex is incredible, but you need to be careful as everybody is suspicious. Sneaking around, deleting messages, careful planning of dates, lying to your wife, inventing 100+ excuses how to go out, why you came late, working on weekends and 24/7 feeling guilty
2. Wife sooner or later knows – she aready knows now at least about emotional attachment. (So after few meek attempts to save the marriage – but probably not), she gives up and proceeds with the divorce – then you can continue with honest way from step 1.
Why did you marry your wife? Was you in love with her? Did you find her attractive? What were you doing when you dated? There are your answers because I bet that you felt maybe similar things to your wife at the beginning of your relationship (rs) but once that life came in the way (responsibilities, mortgage, kids etc) you both stopped doing your rs priority. You talk about tasks, schedules, kids and not about your feelings, hopes, fears and passions. No hot dates, no effort to spend quality time alone with her, no romantic gateways. So no wonder that you want that easy excitement where are no worries, where you have no responsibilty BUT it is just for a while. Because sooner or later those (responsibilties) catch up with you both. No rs floats “on cloud 9” 20 years straight. Every rs requires conscious and active care about your partner, about their well-being, it requires to actively choosing your partner to be #1 priority each and every day. That’s how it works. Love needs to be nurtured and not to be neglected. Give your wife your time and attention, remember all reasons why you decided to propose to her and give your co-worker space to find herself a man she can build her own life with.
Get some help!! Don’t blow up your family for an infatuation. Start fixing your marriage. Your spending more time on 25yr and ignoring your wife. Stop being a fool.
I am wondering how your ” amazing” colleague will feel dating a 35 year old who has shared custody of the kids and or child support payments.
*She’s seemed fine with it, but once in a fight she told me she thought I was going to cheat on her with the coworker.*
Your wife seems smart and intuitive.
You’re unhappy with your marriage and possibly your life, so you are fixated on this woman you see every day who is attractive and 10 years younger. It’s common, but also doesn’t display a lot of emotional maturity.
Talk to your wife. Go to couples’ therapy. Start applying for new jobs. Break contact with your coworker and stop feeding this fantasy you’ve created based on her being friendly and outgoing. It’s called limerence btw, and it tends to happen to unhappy people (look it up).
How many adults have severe emotional issues because their dad has left their mother for another woman?
How many old men are alone without a wife or kids who will speak to them?
Okay you get to be happy for a year before the infatuation fades into a normal relationship. In 15 years this spark won’t exist… she will probably want children in 5 years… and every bland complaint you have about your current marriage and kids will just be repeated with another woman… except… unlike your current wife… every will despise her because she was the other woman… your kids will see her as a wicked witch… your friends and family will think you’re trash so the relationship will have extra hurdles.
I can’t tell you how many lonely old men I’ve met who left their first wife for these reasons and ended up deeply unhappy or divorced from their second wife… 2 sets of kids who think they are trash…
The thing is once you make a decision this selfish and cowardly… you don’t get redemption from your loved ones… you don’t get to undo the trauma you put your wife and kids through. You will forever be a bad person and it’s really hard to be happy when you know your a piece of shit.
My advice: get a new job. Get therapy.
OMG, gross. Your coworker has no interest in you and is just being nice. Go to therapy.