TLDR: In order to protect myself from my parents, 3 years ago I cut ties with the entirety of my family. Now my grandmother is sick and I’m not only confused on my feelings surrounding reconnecting with her, but I’m also not sure if I should try to rebuild our relationship.
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Long story short, my childhood was not a happy one. My parents were abusive. While I’m lucky enough to have distanced myself from them, there’s been a pit in my stomach – a mixture of grief, hatred, and sadness – from their absence. I’ve considered reconnecting with my parents and other family members (mainly cousins or grandparents), but I’ve never gone through with it. Every time I start wanting to have a relationship with family they do something messed up – send someone to track me down at work, they personally stake out my apartment, or send me unsettling emails – that instantly reminds me why I left in the first place.
Over the last few months I’ve learned of several deaths in the family (aunts and distance relatives). They’ve all impacted me in different ways. When my aunt died I wanted so badly to go to her funeral, but I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing other family members. I cried everyday that week. We hadn’t been close in a long time but she was a mother figure – and one that I had good memories with.
Now my grandmother is in hospital with intestinal bleeding and pain. Given her age and our family medical history, I strongly believe she could have a form of cancer.
I want to see my grandmother, but I’m not the person she remembers. Even before I cut ties with the family, I only saw her a few times a year (didn’t have a car at uni). Now I’m more masculine presenting, I’ve gained weight, my personality has changed, my long term partner is also a woman, and my whole career path is different (going into finance, was supposed to go into medicine). Part of me is ashamed to face her show her what I’ve become. I’m definitely happier now than I was before, but the thought of seeing her makes me what to barf.
I don’t know how I feel or why right now. All I know is that it’s not a good feeling. I’m upset and sad and disgusted with myself.
Idk if anyone can offer any insight into what I’ve described, but any attempt is appreciated. Sorry if this post is all over the place, my brain is having a hard day.
1 comment
Well, it doesn’t sound like you know she is actively dying, but that may be a better situation for you. As a nurse I suggest you call her nurse during the day and explain the situation- you want to visit but need to avoid your family. She can probably be helpful. If they’re there all day, call the night nurse. They can let you in after visiting hours. Have an exit plan so you can just walk out if they do show up. Even if she doesn’t pass perhaps you can make your peace. Visits to the living are better than visits to funerals.