How do I stop living for other people out of guilt and find what I actually want instead.

3 comments

  1. People pleasing is an ‘approval seeking’ mindset. Humans do well as part of a group, so a certain amount of approval seeking in society is normal. Too much approval seeking can be poison, though, as you have identified.

    Some basic tips.

    Usually we ‘people please’ to avoid tension or conflict. The first step is to start getting comfortable with tension and conflict, ie saying ‘no’ or being more assertive.

    Tension and conflict can give us nasty feelings inside, but only if we have a ‘serious’ mindset. It all depends on how you frame that conflict/tension or assertiveness.

    Are you framing things in an overly serious manner? Are you too focussed on outcomes? If so, you may find it stressful to be more assertive.

    I find that taking a Playful and light-hearted approach can help with being more assertive. When we don’t take things so seriously, the nerves calm down a bit.

    In order to stop people pleasing, you need to change, and you will need to take some risks. And this is scary. But it’s only scary if you have an overly serious mindset.

    My recommendation is to have a Playful and non-serious attitude.

    Say to yourself “Oh well, what’s the worst that can happen, this will be a fun little experiment”.

    Eg As you start to make small changes and become more assertive. Try to make your general attitude to fear more playful, more mischievous. Not overly serious and critical.

    In order to come out of people pleasing, you are going to need to ruffle the feathers and perhaps annoy some people, but if that’s what it takes to be your authentic self, so be it. It’s all part of the fun of life!

    Remember, the funniest, most charismatic people you will ever meet, are also the most honest. And yes they will have enemies, they are not there to please everyone, they are just being themselves. They make no apologies.

    Enjoy the process. Have fun with it. Remember, to have a playful approach, don’t worry what others think.

    The key is being playful (non-serious) and mischievous in your approach to change, if you start to take things too seriously (ie overly think) that’s when the stressful thoughts will creep in, and you will stay trapped.

    Playfulness and being care-free will set you free. I call it|: Playful Indifference.

  2. You need to increase your self-worth and self-love. This will change the most for you

  3. That’s a good question and finding out what you want. I wonder what I actually want lol sometimes my mind is on alert “given birth family in the way!”. Not that I’m “pushing” them out the way but the dynamics in life are SO tough. I rather have a pet and just walk to the park come home talk on the phone, relax… obligations stress me out

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