I’m [f24] a full time student and get approximately 1000 dollars per month, in student loans, and some more from a part time job. My boyfriend [M28], of 5 years, works full time and earns 5 times as much. I pay 1/3 of the rent. The rest we split 50/50, like food, our dog and other activities like going out with friends, visiting places. Recently i’ve been feeling weird about it since we plan to spend our lifes together, start a family, and i feel icky about this “mine and yours” thing. Since i’m studying from home i take care of all the household stuff like cleaning, cooking, washing, taking care of our dog so I still feel like i bring stuff to the table.
This leads to two questions:
Would you think its fair with this setup? How do other couples do? I would want to have a common economy but i’m the one who doesn’t have much atm so I don’t want to expect anything from him. I also like to spend a few 100 dollars each month on new clothes, makeup and if we have common economy i would feel like i’m taking his money.
And also:
My boyfriend wants to travel this summer and keep begging me but I don’t want to blow up all my savings just to travel. i feel pressured because I don’t want him to be bored and wish he had someone with more money. I’ve suggested we do something in our country but he insists we travel to the other side of the world, which i would love but I can’t afford. What should i do?
I will eventually graduate and hopefully get a job, it will never pay as much as his work though (according to statistics) so I will always be in a disadvantage. I know if i got payed as much as he did i would pay for everything at home and make sure my partner doesn’t blow up all their student loans, since in the end we will both pay for the depth with a common economy. But thats just my view and expectations…
Tl:dr; boyfriend [m28] of 5 years earns 5 times as much as me [f24], living of student loans. We split almost everything 50/50. Is it fair to wish for a common household economy? Boyfriend wants to travel, I don’t want to spend my savings on it. What should I do?
10 comments
If I understand what a common household economy is, no, it is not fair for you to ask for that. You’re not married, so what’s yours is yours and what’s his is his.
If he wants you to accompany him on travels, he must fund it since you cannot afford it.
You should just contribute in a different ratio than 50/50. He earns 5x more, he pays 5x more of shared expenses. You don’t have to share all of your money, but just contribute according to your income. When your income changes the ratio does too.
My husband and I have shared finances since we were two years in. It worked (and still does) for us. We’ve been together for 16 years. I grew up in a household that if my mom picked up something at the store for my dad (like medicine or beer) she’d expect to be paid back. And he would do the same to her if he picked milk or eggs. It was so fucked. And I told my husband that I didn’t want things to be like that, and he agreed. So we pooled our money and combined all bills and ot always worked.
You have a two options here. If you want to split 50/50, he needs to be willing to “live down” to a lifestyle you can afford. If he wants to live above your means, he needs to be willing to pay a much larger percentage of things. And when I say “willing to”, he needs to understand and accept that going beyond your means is his choice and his responsibility. You should have a discussion about your finances so you can figure out what “living within your means” is. Make sure he’s clear on what your budget is.
You aren’t married, so keep on repeating that you can’t afford things. Buy cheaper food too. Don’t agree to anything pricey. Maybe he’ll clue in.
Also, if you are going to school full-time it’s a bad policy to take over all the housework. He’s likely to never do his share no matter what the circumstances. When you finish school you will have to change that right away.
To me the biggest thing sounds like he doesn’t really hear you. At least from your post I don’t get the vibe that he’s concerned about how you feel.
Propose. Then, once married, finances come from a shared pot, and things will even out over the long term.
I used to earn much more than my GF and always considered our incomes combined. I paid for more things because I wanted her company. If I couldn’t afford it I’d say it to her and she was always cool about it. She often paid for stuff for us too.
When she ran out id give her money and vice versa if I had more expenses.
I think if money is a source of inequality in your relationship then there are most likely other things ye have to iron our too.
Best of luck
There is no one way to deal with finances. The key, in my opinion, is to talk finances with each other. How you feel and how he feels about money is they start. Then you add complexity over future talks like joint vs separate bank accounts, joint vs separate credit card accounts, student loan repayment, kids, college savings, retirement savings, investments, buying vehicles, a home, vacations, hobbies, etc. (there’s no end of topics to add to the list).
Over time you’ll develop an understanding (what you really agree on and what you each agree to) and, as a couple, your style of financial management will solidify. You’ll both know what’s a unilateral okay decision and what needs to discussed. You can rely on the other person to not do anything too crazy.
You’ll both have issues at times, make mistakes, and priorities will change as time passes which is normal. If you make talking about money with each other a normal thing then when challenges happen (car catches on fire or tripplets) it’ll be that much easier to handle and a lot less stressful.
To me this setup is completely unfair to you. You’re a full time student, work part time, and do ALL the household chores? While he does his 40 hours a week at work and then sits back watching you break your back and struggle? NO.
If he wants you to live above your means with trips he is going to have to pay for it. You can not afford it. Period. I would also revisit the way you split bills and chores. Just because he makes more money doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to do NOTHING. Your free time isn’t less valuable because you make less money.
Bills are usually suggested to be split by percentage of income when there is a large disparity. If you make 12K and he makes 60K (5x what you make) then he should contributing 5x more to expenses as well as paying for any extra he wants that you cannot afford.
I hate seeing women feel afraid to look greedy when they are actually the ones being taken advantage of as the lower earning partner.