Me (20m) and my girlfriend (20f) have been together for the past 2 and a half years. She is my first everything – kiss, girlfriend, sex. She had 2 boyfriends and a couple of one night stands before me. Wasn’t an issue, just a source of insecurities but I got over it.
The first year together we had plenty of sex, the first few months she even initiated and it was great, obviously I sas shy but got mord confidence with time. I always tried to make her orgasm but she didn’t really like that i go down on her and I didn’t manage to make her orgasm (she mentioned that no one ever made her orgasn). I asked her what she liked in bed I and looked at videos and tried to learn everything – didn’t work. She said that its a turn off when I ask what she likes because I should just know.
Somewhere down the road we had less and less of it, and it was hard. I felt unloved, not desired and as if I don’t attract her. We had a couple talks and fights about it, we usually had sex a day after those talks and then again – one or two months without it. I always told myself that she is going to stressful times and that it will be okay soon. The times we did have sex I always thought to myself that I shouldn’t cum, because the next time is gonna be in a while.
About a month ago, after I initiated and got turned down for the idk how many times in a row, I told her that I feel so bad and it hurts my confidence that she keeps turning me down. She told me that she isn’t as attracted to as in the beginning of our relationship. She loves me, loves cuddling and hanging out with me, just isn’t attracted. I broke down crying because my insecurities were true – theres a reason I dont feel desired, she doesn’t desire me.
I honestly don’t know what to do, and writing this as she is sleeping on me. The only solution I see is to break up, and the only thing I want to do is to be with her. This is honestly so annoying and just makes me sad. Don’t really have a person in my life who I can share this with, so i am posting here.
Edit: thank you everyone for your responses, I read every single one of them. Most are saying that we should break up and I understand why. I will have a last talk with her, and if that doesn’t work out then there’s nothing else I can do.
50 comments
Sounds like you’ve come to the end of the relationship.
You should break up with her bro. Find someone with a higher sex drive.
Plenty of fish in the sea. The longer you stay the worse it’ll be later. Moving on is rough but it’s not the end of the world.
You’re never coming back from this. Onto the next chick dude, there’s literally billions of them.
>the only thing I want to do is to be with her
You want to be with the person you thought she was.
But she isn’t.
This is the end of the relationship. I know it hurts, and it’s awful. You are clinging to the comfort and safety of the familiarity that she gives you, but she’s no longer the person you fell in love with.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the most common and normal things that happen to a lot of relationships once the new relationship energy is gone, and a lot of people settle into the bare minimum and don’t want to put in the effort to keep the sexual spark alive. It sounds like your girlfriend has checked out of that aspect of the relationship and is happy taking the things she likes (cuddling, non-sexual intimacy, friendship) while leaving you unsatisfied. Just to be clear, it is not her duty to have sex with you if she doesn’t want to and you can’t expect her to change her ways – so this really is a moment of decision making for you. Do you fear change and stay with her, not getting your needs met? Or do you accept that you two want different things from a relationship, and end it?
>She said that its a turn off when I ask what she likes because I should just know.
That’s a big no. That’s not how it works and you should very quickly forget that statement. Healthy relationships are based on communication. That includes sex. You can try to talk to her why exactly you asking is a turn off. If she doesn’t want to, it’s best you break up. If she doesn’t know, then therapy might be a good idea to find out why she feels that way and why her sexual attraction to you has gone down.
I’m going to quibble with the other responses and say “It *could* be the end of the relationship.” You’re not happy with the frequency of sex, but she is. You need to determine if the rest of the relationship is still healthy. **If yes**, then you need to tell her straight-up that a romantic relationship without sex is just a really good friend and you want more than that.
It is normal for sexual desire to decline as relationships continue. It’s not normal for it to dissipate altogether. She is experienced enough to know what she wants and if she wants you to know, she needs to tell you so that you two can have fulfilling sex. If she will not do that, then it’s over. There’s no excuse for putting up with a dead bedroom in the prime of your life.
Time to move on. Don’t love someone who doesn’t love you back
She has lost attraction and or she has started cheating
End of a relationship. And 2.5-3 years is most common for young relationships. I am grateful for what I did bc it brought me to where I am, but would have approached/maintained relationships differently when I was 20 for sure
I went through many relationships just like you. Looking back I wished I had the courage to end the relationship sooner.
I will get downvotes for this truth – but a man NEVER should settle down with a more experienced woman. She is not for you – find a good girl.
Want you to save this post OP and look back on it in 5 years. You deserve so much better and you more than likely will find it.
It’s better to rip off the band-aid now than to throw away more years of your life with someone who isn’t attracted to you. You’ll look back on this in ten years and be glad you left her. I was afraid to leave my husband last year but it was one of the best things I ever did. Imagining still being there with him now makes me feel a weird mixture of empty and nihilistic.
You shouldn’t have to beg your partner for intimacy. I get that she still cuddles with you and enjoys spending time with you, but clearly you want more than that and she isn’t interested in it. She’d be better off dating someone who only wants cuddles.
Bro, you are 20. This b*tch will have 10 more yous in the next few years and guess what? You’ll have 10 new hers. Pick up your chin, shake that shit off and move on. In fact, call her up and dump her sorry ass. You deserve better, but you are young. Go have fun and forget this chick
You are only 20. Plenty more breakups in the future. It gets easier. Don’t settle until you feel like your life doesn’t make sense without that one person. She’s out there. Good luck.
im sorry for your loss. you can do better
Ask yourself.. does someone that treats me like this….Deserve my time? If the answer is “No”…. Find someone that does deserve your time.
Do it extremely rough next time, when you go down on her spell Alphabets with your tongue, use toys and fingers, include some cheek slaps, suck her titties, kiss her neck, add a bit of foreplay(dirty talk, dirty messages throughout the day, etc)……..
I hope She’ll orgasm from that
First of all good on you for actually watching videos and studying and trying to learn how to please her. That is great and if she had been willing to work with you and maybe watch videos and try things together to see what works, your sexlife would probably have been much better.
The fact that she says that you should just know is just nonsense, of course there are techniques you can learn and you can learn to read women better to understand what they want but nothing can take the place of her actually telling you what she wants. So either she is just to insecure to tell you or didn’t care enough to try and improve things.
And finally, intimacy in relationships doesn’t just happen. Sure for the first year maybe it might just be there and you think it will always be there. But if you don’t work on it and maintain it then it will die out and suddenly you are just friends instead of lovers. It happens in all relationships if you don’t make intimacy and sex a priority.
It sounds like you are making more of an effort than her and that she’s not willing to work to save the relationship, so even though it sucks, especially when she’s your first. It might be time to move on and find someone you are more compatible with.
My husband lost his attraction to me when he started talking to a woman at work and eventually had an affair
Tell her you that you have no choice but to find someone that is attracted to you
Thats….odd.
Used to be in this situation myself. I didn’t see the signs and then she dumped me. Said she was no longer attracted to me like she used to be, had been like that for a while and she couldn’t do it anymore.
I told myself a billion times I was gonna earn her love back but I was going to five her space. Told myself if I didn’t hear from her again after a month, id text her. That month turned into I’ll give her 2 months and then after 2 months I no longer felt the same intense hurt and the yearn to win her love back. I was focusing in myself and finding new ways to enjoy my life. What turned into “I’ll never love someone like that again” turned into “you had great times but she isn’t the woman for you”.
A little while after that I went on a double date, tentatively, to put myself back out there. The woman I met that night is now my wife. We have a beautiful family and a happy life together.
Sometimes, the end of a relationship can seem like doom but at the end of the day, know that there will be opportunities down the road.and you need to do everything you can to do what’s best for you
Like others have said, sounds like your relationship is coming to an end.
You can end things on your terms and rip that band aid off, or you can stick around, getting more desperate around her until she ends it.
It’s hard to hear, but its just how these things go, and I know you will probably be crushed when it happens and it might fuck you up for a long time.
But trust me, 5 years from now when you have more experience, possibly had more girlfriends or even found the one… you will look back on this and laugh at how inconsequential it all was.
Do yourself a favor, end it on your terms. You will thank yourself later.
Your girlfriend has fallen out of love with you. She’s no longer attracted to you and no longer wants to have sex with you. Going a month or more without sex for young people can’t be explained by a decline in libido after the honeymoon period. She now sees you as a friend. It’s time to leave.
Move on.
I’m sorry to tell you it will only get worse from here if you try to stay together. If she doesn’t want you sexually then eventually she will find someone she does. Best to part ways now
Holy shit you’re 20 years old. Move on!
You can show her this reddit post, cause everyone here is saying what you need to hear.
It was a good experience for you. I understand it’s a first for everything, but that doesn’t mean last.. so i’d definitely break things up. You may not have drifted away from her, but she did from you, so save your heart and go love someone who will love you back!:)
Her hormones are evolving and see seems to have a different interests now. 🙂
Sometimes the best thing is to just let it go.
Sorry bro. It’s over.
It might just be done dude. It sucks to hear, but it isn’t a bad thing. You’re only 20 (!). You have no clue as to the sea of girls that are out there. Ones probably better than her too. You have a single pool of data to go by, believe me, there are tons that are better than her.
As for the bedroom shit, man, you’ll get better at things in there (if technique is the issue). Every chick has a different thing that turns her on, you just gotta figure it out. And yeah, there is a thing about some girls not liking you asking them too much in bed. Chicks just wanna be fucking fucked, not asked if this is okay and if that is good, etc. I don’t mean that in some weird nonconsensual way, BTW, before you downvoters come storming in. Confidence is a BIG part of dude life, in every aspect, including the bedroom. Asking her over and over again if she has cum is just gonna dry her up. She wants you tossing her around, bringing her on a journey, not treating her with kids gloves.
THAT being said, why don’t you take a different approach in the bedroom. If you’re able to get in her pants again, be a gentleman and take charge. Tell her to do things. Tell her to say things. Tell her to describe what you’re doing to her. Eye fuck her as you go to town on her. It sounds like there needs some more … polarity in the bedroom.
In the end of the day, you’re 20, you don’t need this person to just be a cuddle buddy for the long term. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Sex is a BIG part of relationships. If she isn’t down with that, break things off. There IS life after her bro.
We are rooting for you, boi. Go and make good decisions.
She’s cheating on you, mate. You should break up. It’s going to be better before she comes out and admits she’s cheating on you.
r/DeadBedroom
I find the comments weird so far. Obviously this could be the end of your relationship.
But what you need to do to get over her or get the attraction back is the same.
-focus on yourself
-go to the gym/ do sports
-pursue a hobby
-eat and sleep healthy
-dont be needy for sex
-meet people
You can get the attraction back. You just have to do the self work to become a more attractive man. Even if you don’t win her back, you’ll be ready for when your next relationship comes along.
Check out the book The Masculine in Relationship. Here’s an audible [link](https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Masculine-in-Relationship-Audiobook/B0B6RPSBQJ). It’ll teach you to embody your masculine traits that attract women, keeps them attracted long-term and generally make you a more secure man that excels in the world.
OK. I know this is going to sound harsh but you are only 20. You have a lot of opportunities for more life and self discovery. Go for it! Don’t try and fit a square peg in a round hole. 🖖
Sleep with her best friend 😈😈😈
Be confident and know what you want. …
Say “no.” You don’t owe anyone — even someone you love — an explanation for why you don’t want to do what they want you to do. …
Tell them what you do want to do: kissing, touching, watching a movie together, etc.
Be clear and direct.
My heart broke a little for you when i read this.
She doesnt seem to be very open with communication with you and telling you you should just know what she wants is ridiculous. Like okay sometimes the best sexual experiences ive had with my partner are undiscussed, spare of the moment instincts to try something (but you can only really do that when you have confidence and trust in eachother) and it turns out that something is amazing but its something neither of us wouldve previously thought about to communicate that to eachother. However, afterwards we always discuss whatever that good thing was and what we’d like next round. Theres no way you will ever be sexually fulfilled without communicating whatever it is that makes you feel good.
You need to tell her she needs to put more effort into communicating and if not, then its over because its ruining your self esteem, giving you anxiety and making you feel worthless, and you dont deserve to feel that when you are going to this extent to make her happy.
Sending an air hug to you🤗
Okay found a few red flags about why Op actually was great but their partner is the problem:
> She said that its a turn off when I ask what she likes because I should just know.
> We had a couple talks and fights about it, we usually had sex a day after those talks and then again – one or two months without it.
Op, you’re 20 and in a dead bedroom. THIS ISN’T NORMAL WHEN 20!
70, sure… but at age 20? NOOOOOO! This is actually a huge red flag you two are heavily incompatible together.
Plus she wants you to reas her mind sexually???
As someone whose 35, let me tell you Op… the fact she’s never orgasmed during sex as well, means she doesn’t enjoy sex one bit. Never has. It’s painful for her because she has never been properly warmed up down there.
And she also has hang ups around her body down there too since she doesn’t like oral.
A lot of girls her age, unless they got to experience orgasms in foreplay or sex, tend to not want sex because they do not know how to communicate their sexual needs.
They just assume a guy should know. But that’s not how one gets an orgasm as a woman. We gotta actually tell the guy to what we like and don’t like to achieve this.
Op, here’s the thing, it’s not worth saving things with her and there are actual girls, even women, who will GLADLY love receiving oral and love letting you know what they need in bed.
As you get closer to finding someone new who does, you will thank your lucky stars ones day you are no longer with this girl Op. You will thank her for the experience, but will be thankful you left.
You deserve more❤️
Can we stop with the comments “she doesn’t love you”? Sex/attraction and love aren’t the same thing. The relationship is probably ending because OP isn’t getting what he needs, but you can’t say GF doesn’t love him. You don’t know that.
Just my two cents. I get the vibe you’re overthinking things, instead of just expressing yourself and having confidence in what you desire. To me, it sounds like she’s just lost interest. Which is okay, her emotions are separate from yours. Don’t allow her reactions to determine your actions, otherwise you’ll more than likely fall into being *codependent*. This problem isn’t logical or reasonable, it just is. Don’t be an *enabler*, value yourself.
It’s taken me years of situations like this for me to realize, I am either expressing myself or impressing someone else. Expression can’t be wrong because that’s honestly you. Impression though is you waiting for a response or a reaction.
Express what you’re feeling, friend. You sound like a good kind person. You deserve to be loved and feel attractive. This girl might be the one to fill that void, but might not be. Stop worrying about it and express yourself. Let the pieces fall where they may…but you’ll be your honest self. Good luck!
Walk away with your dignity – no more crying in front of her. Pick yourself up and put on a brave face and find someone new. Put on a more confident face – insecurity is a downer
I’m just wondering bc you didn’t mention it, have you physically changed from the start of the relationship? Like were u built at the start and got lazy throughout and became skinny or fat? If she feels unattracted to you, it could be that somewhere along the lines you changed or let yourself go
You are still young, I think you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel needed and desired.