My girlfriend strongly dislikes penetration and as a result I haven’t been getting off

39 comments

1. Was she able to go to a gyno and speak about it? I mean you could encourage to do that because down the line, it will affect her present and future relationships 😞

2. If you’re literally never getting sexual satisfaction and she’s not interested in working on that, you aren’t being selfish. Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to leave.

3. Is she willing to seek medical advice about the pain, and work towards making penetration a pleasurable experience?

   If not, then it sounds like you two are incompatible, given your respective sexual preferences. That’s a shame, but there’s no “bad guy” in situations like this.

4. The way she describes it kind of sounds like cervix pain. Many women find it painful if something pokes their cervix.

   You’ll want to make sure that she’s fully physically aroused before you try penetration. When a vagina is aroused it gets longer and the cervix moves back, so it will be more out of the way.

   You can also try shallower penetration. Besides just not thrusting as deep, certain positions keep the penetration shallower and you can buy something that goes around the base of your penis that stops you from penetrating deeper.

   You could also try different angles. Usually the cervix is on the back wall of the vagjna, so angling upwards towards her stomach might help.

   If the pain happens even with very shallow insertion then it’s probably not the cervix (or she has an unusually low cervix). There could of course also be medical issues for the pain, so if she hasn’t talked to a gyno about it she absolutely should.

   When you talk to her about it, focus on the fact that you want _her_ to be able to enjoy sex pain-free.

5. Has she been to a physio about this?

6. Definitely a gyno appointment is a good place to start. It sounds like you’re hitting her cervix which can cause abdominal pain and that’s normal.

   Another person in this thread posted a really good set of steps for making sure she’s aroused so her cervix can get out of the way.

   As well, you can get a penis bumper to prevent yourself from hitting her cervix, look up the OhNut. If you can’t get one of those, a couple of squishy c-rings around the base of the penis can do the trick. Basically you want to figure out the depth at which the pain becomes an issue and figure out how many rings you need to prevent yourself from going to that point.

7. What happens when you go in not very deep with fingers does that hurt too? Yes please see a gyno or a pelvic floor physical therapist.

8. You’re not being selfish at all, if this is a medical issue she doesn’t want to get help for than you guys are simply incompatible. She should see a doctor but if not she might be better off with someone who has a micro-p and/or doesn’t prefer penetration.

9. Everyone else has addressed the cervix and go see a doctor aspects and I agree with those.

   I’ll add that I had a girlfriend who had endometriosis and sex was similarly painful for her. She did see a doctor about it and was basically told to drink a glass of wine and have sex more often. The sex never became not-painful for her during the relatively short time we remained together and I don’t have any followup info after we split, so 🤷🏼‍♂️.

10. You’re not in the wrong. Assuming you’re not dating for sex, you have to remember that this person you’re dating can either be with you FOREVER or you can move on. If you’re willing to accept that you’ll never get penetrative sex with ease, then go for it. But I can only imagine you’ll get tired and that she’ll feel awkward.

11. I used to have a lot of difficulty having peneration, until one day I took Codeine. I fucked like a porn actress, for real. I didn’t feel pleasure, but I didn’t feel pain either. After that, penetration has been way easier.

12. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting her to get help, or for wanting a “normal” sex life. If you start trying to force the issue, or just don’t care if she’s in pain, that’s another matter entirely.

    There could be lots of reasons for her pain, and a doctor is the one who should be helping her figure it out. Be supportive and encourage her go. There’s absolutely no reason she should be living with that kind of pain if something can be done about it.

13. I had similar problems in the past due to trauma. A gyno visit is probably the best place to start. Relaxation techniques helped me tremendously. Sometimes I used to have to take an anti-anxiety pill before sex. But it does get better, with a little effort.

    Vaginal dilators might help too, starting really really small and getting progressively larger.

14. > I feel like I’m being very selfish and self-centered here and please do point that out if I am

    How is it self centred to currently get no pleasure and want a partner that will satisfy you as you have been satisfying them?

    Self-centred is not caring about your partner’s needs. Not having needs and finding someone who will meet them.

    If she feels pain, and can’t have sex right now, that’s understandable. But that’s not a license to stop caring about your partner’s satisfaction.

15. Cystic ovaries, endometriosis. This can be quite serious.

16. How did you get off before you had sex?

    This may be a point of sexual incompatibility. Make some choices on what is most important to you? She can see a physician but might simply gain a diagnosis that explains why she feels pain. There might not be any solution.

    Figure out what you need out of a relationship. If you can manage your sexual needs on your own, it might be worth staying. If not, it’s a point of irreconcilable incompatibility, and you need to move on.

    Relationships and life are hard. Time to make some difficult decisions.

17. Maybe there’s a kind of sex toy you could use together. If you’re both open to that kind of thing maybe she could use a flesh light on you to get you there while you please her in other ways. This could also just be a temporary or occasional means to fulfillment while you guys progress with other solutions. I know vaginismus can be a relatively lengthy road to recovery.

18. She needs to see a doctor because that isn’t normal. If she doesn’t want to seek medical attention, then you two probably aren’t compatible as you need piv and she is fine without it.

19. I highly recommend a pelvic floor specialist for her

20. Many people have given great suggestions on what you two can try to do for her medically. Maybe for now to get off, you could use something like fleshlight or she could use it on you? Would that be different enough from a hand job? D: hoping she gets the medical help she needs. Sex should never be that painful! :<

21. Don’t get off from blowjob or handjobs. I had t train myself to be able to some from these as it’s as much mental than physical. First stop masterbation completely. Will help you forget what you’re familiar with. Give it two weeks and you’ll be on the edge and will make it easier for her to get you off. After the first few times it gets easier.

22. It’s not selfish to want PIV. If she won’t get help for this, or even if she tries but it doesn’t change, you ARE allowed to break up over this. Sexual compatibility is a big deal in a relationship. You dont want to go your whole life being sexually unsatisfied. In my opinion, nobody is worth that.

23. I have been in the exact same situation. Very difficult to handle especially if your partner is not willing to discuss it. Unfortunately, never been able to get past that, although we broke up for other reasons.

24. Well you are not being selfish at all you are concerned about your partner an your relationship an yall need to see a specialist (gynecologist) it could be something more severe you never no an that would be your best bet to see what treatment options are an you can always see if she will try anal so you can get off they sell training kits with different sized plugs an they make desensitizing anal lube specifically for beginners or depending on what your into an you can get an enima bulb for cleansing they make powered an non powered an you will need special cleaner for sex toys as well the enima bulb enjects water to clean out the anal area or vagina it has health benefits as well of course but those are your main options good luck my guy hope everything works out

25. You’re not selfish but looking at this as a “her” problem isn’t going to help. It’s possible it could be anxiety-related; which having the pressure of a relationship riding on her ability to allow herself to be penetrated, is probably making things worse.

    But definitely best for her to see her doctor about it as there could be something medically wrong which will in all likelihood be treatable.

26. Pain is not ok. Don’t focus on sex focus on her health. Tell her to go to the doctor.

    https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/painful-intercourse/symptoms-causes/syc-20375967

27. Suggest he’s going to the gynecologist. She needs to be checked out because if PIV sex is done right it feels good.

28. Pain from entering her or when you go full depth? If when entering she may not be arsed and wet enough. Use lube. If when you go full depth, you probably are banging her cervix which is painful for most women. More shallow thrust. There is a bumper pad called Ohnut you might consider. You can also use a cock ring on your shaft as a marker to remind you how far you can enter without banging her cervix. Lastly she should see a doctor to checkout that she does not have any underlying issues especially with her past.

29. She is being selfish, if she is in pain she should get help

30. I have an extensive sexual background and have never once heard this happen. Sounds like a doctor/therapy is needed bc that is not normal.

31. She should check that out medically. Does she have pain in some other times, like heavy menses, or abnormal bleeding? It could be endometriosis.

32. You’re probably hitting her cervix.

    It hurts for most women.

    Stop poking her in the cervix.

33. Get her a doctor’s appointment asap. It sounds similar to symptoms of endometriosis and it’s very important to get it checked out.

    (Side note. If possible try to get an appointment with a female doctor. Speaking from experience with my partner, male doctors can be *awful* when it comes to taking women’s pain seriously.)

34. FYI, vaginismus is the condition where the vaginal muscles stay clamped and presentation is exceedingly painful and possibly physically impossible. Vaginosis is an infection in the vagina. Not super common, but it does happen. Often called BV for bacterial vaginosis.

    There are a number of issues that can result in sharp pain from penetration. Vaginismus is one and is usually treated by very careful and slow training with a set of dilators. Specific placement of her cervix, especially how her vagina and cervix match with your penis shape is another possibility. That would require very slow and careful experimenting to find positions that work for her. Can you finger her without pain, or can she not handle any penetration at all? Endometriosis is another possibility.

    I definitely recommend talking to her. DO NOT make the conversation about your orgasms or lack thereof. It should be all about concern for her and wanting her to be able to have pain free sex. Tell her that you will help her as much as she wants and/or needs in pursuit of treatment.

    In a completely different conversation, on another day, preferably not while y’all are in bed, tell her that you’d like to experiment to see what y’all can do together that will get you to orgasm. It might be as simple as different positions for oral sex and hand jobs. It might involve toys. It might involve some form of anal for either of you. It might be having a vibrating butt plug in while you straddle her hips and she gives you a hand job with or without a masturbatory toy.

35. Please suggest she see a gynaecologist because you’re concerned about her health and want her to feel comfortable. Pain like that is not normal and can be worked on with proper care. Just don’t Centre yourself in your delivery.

36. Painful sex, especially so painful you avoid it all together, is certainly not normal.

    Sexual trauma can make women higher risk for certain gynecological conditions, like PID. It should be mentioned to her doctor when she goes in. I think the pain should be addressed first- it’s very possible that when it isn’t painful she will like penetration.

37. You are not being selfish for wanting a normal sex life with your girlfriend. She needs to go to a doctor and try to fix her problem. The relationship won’t last if she doesn’t want to do anything about it. Be honest with her about where the relationship will be headed if she just leaves it.

38. This kind of pain could also be caused by pelvic floor dysfunction

39. Sounds she needs to give up the A.