To make a long story short, my mom has a mental disorder called “paranoid personality disorder”, which causes her to be extremely paranoid, narcissistic, unreasonable, unstable, etc. I didn’t know her behavior was unusual until I was about 20 when I read about the disorder.
Because of her illness, she has sheltered me from many things such as forming friendships and relationships with others. She would constantly not allow me to have a phone or talk to anyone outside of school, and especially not get into a relationship w/ a girl. I didn’t really have a high school experience or college experience because of this.
Now that I’ve moved out, I’ve realized I’m on my own in a city for the first time, and I don’t have to follow my mother’s strict and unreasonable ruling. But I feel like I have no idea how to make friends or get into relationships. I feel like quite a loner because I legitimately don’t know how to form deep friendships or relationships with others.
What the hell should I do? How do I become a regular person? lol
For some more context: I enjoy programming, video games, mathematics, electrical engineering, and reading. As you can tell, most of my hobbies are solitary since I couldn’t go out much. I’m a virgin, and it makes me feel insecure. I feel the need to say that I don’t hate women or do any weird shit that incels do lol. I’m a little bit chubby. That’s pretty much it.
**Tl;dr: I’ve been sheltered from forming friendships and relationships, and I don’t know how to be a person. My interests are solitary and somewhat boring: I like to do programming, math, engineering, and video games. I don’t know what people talk about, and I would like to experience friends and relationships. How do I go about making friends? How do I start getting into relationships with people?**
17 comments
Volunteering somewhere might be a nice way to meet people.
Go to a hackathon, go to the club, you’re free, you don’t need a guide on how to socialize with people, be yourself, it all boils down to practice, practice and practice, you’ll be fine!
I’m thinking homeless shelters, Humane Society, United Way, churches, Habitat for Humanity. Just Google it. You may learn something new that you enjoy as well! 😊
First: I’m sorry your Mom controlled you in that way, that sounds really tough. It’s great that you’re taking steps to broaden your world now that you have more freedom.
Given the kinds of interests you’ve expressed, I wonder whether you might have some luck with boardgame/tabletop roleplaying clubs and stores. Lots of cities have boardgame cafes and I used to find tabletop roleplaying groups on websites like Meetup back when I was single and in my twenties.
Check out hacker groups. Most big cities have them.
Most important in your journey is going to be figuring out who is good to know and who is not. Try to stay away from anyone trying to get you to hate people. Young men with little experience are often targeted by various types of extremism so make sure you’re following your morals and are participating in diverse groups
Go do things around other people related to your hobbies and try out some new ones. Social or professional groups related to your career. Groups related to hobbies. Volunteer organizations related to things you enjoy or care about (trail clean up, introduce a kid to programming etc.). Casual competition groups. Classes.
I did a lot of living in new places for short periods of time. I really liked dance classes as an easy way to drop in and participate in a social activity. Latin (salsa, bachata, kizomba) and swing classes are really common in most cities. Classes were also lots of fun. As I got to know co workers and acquaintances from other areas I also really enjoy trivia nights as an easy way to get people together on week nights without having to do much organizing. Casual sports teams. You can also become an organizer in a less active group although that takes a bit more effort.
Also, as you meet people you think may make good friends, ask for their contact info. Tell them you’re expanding your social circles or looking for friends in the area. Ask them to do things. Not just “let’s do something” or “want to hang out”. I’ve found people are way more likely to say yes if you have a specific activity in mind. Find an interesting restaurant or bar to check out. Look up local festivals. I’m a woman but things like markets, hikes, brunch, art stuff etc.
For most people it takes a little while before you become a “regular” in their life enough that they start returning your invitations. Folks that are new in town or similarly feeling lonely and looking for friends will return invitations faster. People who have long established friend groups or are looking to move in the great future may never really have the same enthusiasm.
This is completely normal. Especially for folks who left organized social groupings like schools and churches not long ago, especially those who moved for a first job out of college. Aka a TON of 22yr olds. Not to mention the number of your peers who are in a new place, mixing social cultures and sub cultures from all over which leads to plenty of cultural awkwardness in socializing. You really aren’t THAT different than your peers. A good therapist can help you make up the difference relatively quickly too.
Go to gym so you might feel better about yourself too apart from volunteering. You can try fostering a dog!
This is a lot more common than you think. Join r/narcissisticparents for more support. My husband is the child of a narcissistic mother and sometimes it feels like I’m the ambassador between him and the world. In addition to all the other advice about meeting people in real life, try podcasts. This American Life and Radiolab are great story-based podcasts that would expand your horizons and give you something other people can relate to when you do meet them.
I guess, it’s an obvious advice, but go to therapy if you can. It can certainly help you with the issues like “feeling the need to catch up” . You have not missed out, you grew up differently, but you grew, remember that and be proud of yourself (for surviving this f.ex., I know what I’m talking about).
But back to the actual question, ggs to your hobbies, they seem nice, yet maybe try thinking out of the box where to meet others. Like grouping in a sport or a club or sth. else with a schedule. It connects you to others even though you may not be into it (yet) or have skills but most importantly it connects you on a regular basis. This will be helpful while you still figure out how to talk to people /make friends via improving communication skills. If it turns out you really don’t seem to make meanigful friendships or even acquaintances there (for reasons of you not having common ground), you can always turn your back on that club and switch to sth else. (that’s a big plus bc. you are not yet too invested in that hobby, your loss is not as big as it would be at a job f.ex.). In general look for friends at these places, not your job, because a healthy friendship base is, when you don’t have money involved.
Don’t try looking for friends on dating platforms for the same exact reason, it’s not a healthy friendship base (esp. when getting started) to be attracted to someone.
If in any case, there is physical attraction to be the first thing you notice about someone, ask them out but don’t let yourself be put in friendzone, you don’t have time or strength for sth. like this. In general, for dating, I would also suggest start with real life dates, be open and clear about your intentions and only date those who return your intentions, so you feel comfortable and build up trust for first experiences.
Oh and the controversial part, really try building your connections outside of forums / dating platforms. It may seem to be a simple way to start but from experience, I feel it takes a lot more social skills to find meaningful friendships / relationships via those because with anonymity etc. comes new hurdles to overcome. I also kinda guess from what you wrote that what you were asking for was, how to meet people offline because you probably already have enough experience with people online.
Ok, so good luck and enjoy your new life, I guess. Hope I could be of help to you.
You want to be very assertive in conversation with people and make it very clear you think you’re superior as a way to assert dominance
Start out with meetup groups. Look for things that align with your interests. If you don’t see a meet-up that aligns with your interests in your area, create one. Easy options include things like book clubs, board game groups, or hiking groups.
From there look for a new hobby, preferably one with strong potential for social connections. Consider a running group, an adult sports team, a new language with conversational meetups, an art class, etc.
Also consider volunteering somewhere, preferably somewhere with volunteers who are around your age. Even better if there is volunteer training that you get to do in a cohort. Usually that can look like some hours spent in classes with other volunteers and then a several hour shift once a week. Places like an animal shelter, a community garden, a political cause you care about, etc.
Also consider taking a class or too. If you can cheaply take some classes in areas like psychology, sociology, etc. you’ll pick up some info about healthier relationship skills, human development, etc.
Therapy also makes sense. A skilled therapist can help you work on social skills, process any trauma, decide who to trust and not trust, etc.
Also put yourself out there. Do some of the things you usually do alone in public places (assuming Covid-19 safety precautions, of course). This can be as simple as reading in the park instead of at home. Go to things on your own too, museums, festivals, etc. many of these things will also need volunteers and if you volunteer for a shift at the start you’ll likely meet people you can hang out with.
If you’re thinking you want to date, make a decent profile online and just go out there and get to know people. Look at it as social skills practice.
If you can afford it, travel occasionally (even cheaply). This will give you more life experience to talk about and opportunities to get to know people without the anxiety of ever having to see them again if you don’t want to. Look for group trips, volunteer trips, etc.
Also braided your mind whenever possible, podcasts, good books, etc.
The best way to meet people in my experience is to participate in a hobby where groups of people meet regularly for the hobby.
Some examples of this are table top gaming, bowling league, sports, dance classes/clubs (I started swing dancing, joined a club, ended up as an instructor and met literally hundreds of people and made dozens of friends) church, book clubs.
Try something new. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. Go try something different. Find something you like, go regularly, and talk to other people who go regularly about it. You’ll have something in common, an activity to do and talk about, and a reason to hang out. Eventually, you might find people you want to hang out and do other things with. Friendships will come with time.
Try online games for an easy start to socialization. Maybe you can look into gaming cafes, you might like things like Magic the Gathering or role-playing games. Maybe try a sport, if you’re looking to go out of your comfort zone, something all new might be the way to go. Don’t sweat the virgin part, plenty of late bloomers 🙂
I second all of the advice to join hobby groups or volunteer, and I want to add that you should give each activity more than one try. Go for at least a month worth of meetings (unless, of course, you truly disliked the activity or the vibe of the people there).
I was sheltered in a similar way and it left me very slow to be social and warm up to new people. I started attending medieval reenactment events and it took several meetings for me to feel comfortable with the people there, and about three months before I truly considered any of the other attendees my friends.
Sometimes friendship is fast to form, but I’ve found that the most rewarding friendships come with time. If you show up to a hobby meetup once and don’t form an instant connection with anyone don’t give up on it, sometimes tenacity is key!
First, you’re not all that different. Most people find it hard to be social, we have trouble meeting people, and most of us are chubby. For Pete’s sake, don’t refer to yourself as not a regular person. The only thing that would make you a non-regular person is if you’re perfect. So long as you have flaws, you’re like the rest of us. I would suggest starting with your interests. That helps with conversation starters. There are user groups for most anything that runs on a computer. I don’t know about EE stuff but in my city we have what they call a maker’s group. I hear about them any time someone wants to 3D print someting. Maybe that is up your alley. Obviously there are book clubs and plenty of people you can talk with about video games. Maybe even take up a new hobby. The more you try the better.
Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies.
Find a hobby that people really invest their time and energy into, and you’ll often find that those communities are all too happy to introduce new people into their hobby.
Could be anything from LARP to birding to astronomy to dog training to knitting…and on and on. But the more established of a Serious Leisure community it has, the easier it will be to find people to help you get involved.
However, I’ll add the caveat that, at those levels, people take their hobbies seriously. Beware of folks who seem like they’re too gossipy or too invested in conflict with others.
Office politics and school politics have nothing on hobby politics.
hey man don’t beat yourself up, if it makes you feel any better as a non-virgin man i’m insecure about how bad I am at math and science naturally