Not long ago, my wife was looking for a new job. She had done several interviews, and she let me know that she finished her last round for one position.
The next day, we were getting supper with our kids and my parents (they are local and we see them fairly regularly), and she announces with a huge smile that she had gotten a call about an hour earlier and had gotten that job. I was very deeply hurt that she hadn’t told me first, and I felt stupid to be learning about it at the same time as everybody else. I told her this and she said she had only known for a little bit and had decided to surprise everyone, but that she was sorry that it hurt me. I feel that by not telling me, she was disrespecting me and our marriage because I think we should be sharing everything with each other, and I feel that her response didn’t recognize that and brushed off my feelings. She never said I am overreacting, but I feel that by her response that she thinks I am. Was I overreacting here?
TL;DR – wife got a new job and didn’t tell me directly before telling the whole family together.
33 comments
I think this should have been adequately resolved by her explanation, and her apology. Both were reasonable and appropriate.
You may not have been overreacting initially to feel a bit hurt, but you certainly seem to be overreacting now.
Hurting your feelings is what happened here. She acknowledged that, explained her decision-making in totally reasonable terms, and apologized. Your insisting on this being rounded up to “disrespect” is unkind, and nothing you’ve included here suggests that is a even remotely fair accusation.
Why isn’t having your hurt acknowledged good enough? Why are you trying to round this up to a ‘bad, bad thing’ when at most, it seems she was a bit inconsiderate of feelings she didn’t realize you’d have?
>Was I overreacting here?
I’d say so, it sounds like she wanted to surprise you with good news (maybe to turn the outing into a celebration) – and now you’re offended by this good news?
How long had she known?
I would definitely say you overreacted.. she found out roughly an hour prior. Not like she was keeping this from you for days or weeks. She really in my opinion had nothing to apologize for but still recognized that your feelings were hurt and apologized. That’s way more than she needed to do imo. You need to check yourself.
You took a happy moment for her and turned it into something about yourself. Very selfish in my opinion. If I were you I’d go buy her some flowers, take her out to dinner, congratulate her and apologize for acting the way you did.
You’re overreacting and super dramatic
But she DID share it with you, just not in the way you want her to. That’s kinda controlling.
Unless there’s some angle you’re not sharing you’re behaving very selfishly here. So she announced she got a job offer at a small family meal that included you, and this is somehow an insult to your marriage?
Surely if you heard an acquaintance heard good news at a small family dinner you wouldn’t think anything of it?
What am I missing here?
Seriously her announcing to family she accomplished something is disrespectful to you? That is some massive insecurity. Yes you’re overreacting the world does not revolve around you. It was her news and she shared it with everyone equally. You took her moment and made it about you.
I’m 29, so is my husband and I feel like I need to ask him how he would feel about this. The truth is, on my end I would only care if the new job would cause a change in lifestyle that affects me. If he suddenly was going to be traveling, or taking a HUGE pay cut when we split bills, I would want to know ahead of time. Outside of that, I don’t feel like I have any right to know before he wants me to know. We are very close and this probably wouldn’t happen because we do tell each other everything, but if I kept it a secret to reveal it as a surprise, I doubt my husband would care.
I wonder if you are insecure about what else she could be changing, or just feeling left out in general. Either way, I can sort of understand you being upset because you wanted to be the first to know. I do agree with a lot of people on this thread who say you must figure out a way to communicate this effectively. It doesn’t seem like she intentionally set out to hurt.
“My wife made her getting a new job all about her instead of about me.” No shit dude. It’s her accomplishment and she kept it a secret for one (1) hour to have a fun announcement, which she included you in. Grow up.
Maybe not at the start. It’s fair enough that your feelings were a bit hurt, but yes, you are 100 percent overreacting now. It’s not like your wife dismissed your feelings. She gave a good explanation and apologised, but you’re still finding a reason to get upset with her?
Agree with everyone who says overreacting.
Told you first? Who did she tell before you?
She told a group of you simultaneously about the surprise good news?
Youre unhappy you werent given a private telling of the good news she got an hour ago?
You got to explore why you are upset because thats not healthy normal
Your loved ones must have to walk around on eggshells because of you. How fun.
She decided to share with everyone. Why are you so insecure?
Oof, your comment history, yikes
You need to get over yourself….she wanted to surprise everyone with the happy news.. and I get the feeling she didn’t want to tell just you at first for some reason… afraid of a reaction negative perhaps? Also, I get the feeling that you are a bit controlling….
You’re way overreacting. She only knew for an hour. She even apologized for making you feel hurt. What else do you want from her? If you’re always like this with your wife then I pity her. Yikes!
You’re controlling and self absorbed. Your post history says enough about how you think about your wife. Nitpicking and almost searching for problems when there aren’t any.
With all due respect, I recommend therapy. Sounds like she is willing to apologize and take accountability and you are not. If you want this marriage to work, you’re going to have to change that.
You sound insufferable and impossible to please.
YTA.
If she had waited days to tell you, I would say you had a right to feel upset. However, she had just learned about this and told everybody who was invested in this. You in turn turned a celebration into something negative for her because you did not learn of this first.
Dude, I can kinda get being upset that you didn’t hear first, but you are way overreacting. Her explanation makes sense. Be happy for your wife. Don’t ruin this moment for her.
I’m sensing quite a bit of emotional immaturity in you. Maybe you should seek help.
How did you turn her good news into drama surrounding yourself? Reevaluate.
You are being incredibly dramatic and borderline controlling. It’s not like she waited days to tell you. It was a matter of a few hours. Get a grip
Edit: just saw your comment that it was ONE HOUR. You’re insane tbh
You’re way overreacting. Get over your ego. She wanted to share it since dinner was planned with family already right after finding out. It’s her promotion and has nothing to do with respecting you. She apologized and validated your feelings and you’re still mopping. You feel like she’s overreacting because you know you are and are projecting that onto her like it’s her problem. It’s your problem to get over. Good job spoiling her good news.
I’m sorry but you sound exhausting and clingy.
I’m sorry but you are really fragile if this is what you consider disrespecting your marriage. The real disrespect here is your need to control your wife. You sound insecure.
da fuq is wrong with OP?
Yeah you’re being childish. You said you should be “sharing everything with each other”— well technically she *did* share it with you, there just happened to be other people present too.
I honestly wouldn’t care if my spouse did this. Happy news is happy news. She only learned of the job offer 1 hour before – not 1 month.
Jesus fucking Christ man. She was happy and excited and wanted to surprise everyone and you shit on her? You need to really reconsider your approach.
Yes you’re over reacting massively, this doesn’t mean she values you less she just wanted to give the good news at one time. This is her moment stop making it about you.
Super overreacting, yeah. To feel like she’s “disrespecting your marriage” by also sharing news with the rest of your family is honestly kind of alarming. She DID share with you, pretty immediately, in an environment that was clearly meant to be joyful. I think you should do some reflecting on why you felt her good news was a statement about you or your marriage.
It’s a misleading title, too—I was thinking you were jealous because she shared the news with a friend or something before you (which would also be an unreasonable jealousy, by the way) but she literally told you at the same time as your parents and kids, who presumably she also loves! This is a really weird thing to be upset about. You keep repeating “we should tell each other everything” and it’s just like. My guy, she DID tell you. Should she start texting you updates when she sends an email or goes to the bathroom? You should tell each other everything, after all!
I don’t know, man. Do some reflection on why this hurt you, and if there are any other places you feel possessive of her time and energy. This feels like a red flag of being pretty jealous and controlling.
Congratulations, you made your wife’s achievement all about your hurt feelings. I bet that spoiled it for her a bit. Mission accomplished, eh?
She got the job an HOUR before announcing the news to everyone?! Dude you and all her closest people *were* the first to know. Big yikes.
I think you need an ego check, this is seems weirdly controlling/validation-seeking.
If there’sa deeper issue in your marriage that makes this the straw breaking the camels back, consider that. But this seems like a completely harmless thing in the context of a healthy marriage.
ETA: from your other comments in this thread, the deeper issue is that you’re controlling. If you’re becoming resentful over such incredibly minor “infractions” where your wife is just doing normal stuff, then you need solo therapy to get a handle on your insecurity before you destroy your marriage with this shit.