I [30M] am unsure if I can continue to support my partner’s [30nb] mental health anymore

First, a bit about myself. I was formally diagnosed with BPD and GAD about a year ago after thinking I was dealing with emotional sensitivity from ADHD. I still do identify with ADHD as well, but have yet to attain a formal diagnosis. I will admit that I have explosive anger, especially with attachment figures. I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so I am also dealing with a lot of residual trauma from that, as well as doing my best to break down my black and white thinking. I am trying my best to do better, but I keep getting triggered by a conditioned response of the last 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with my partner.

We got together in the 11th grade, married by 19. I don’t regret it. Even if things end between us, I will never regret it. However, I do regret the times I have hurt them emotionally. We both grew up in codependent abusive households that did not validate our feelings, so when we fight, it’s never about anything ‘important’- it’s always about a miscommunication, tone, feelings, etc. Never about money, infidelity, or anything like that. They are my best friend and we share a ton of interests. We have had good and bad times, but we are always there to support each other. We have both been financially dependent on each other at different times for different reasons and have supported each other through school. I am currently working a full time management position in a complex mental health group home for youth. They are currently working part time while writing their Thesis.

My partner is a genius. I don’t even mean that in the way that BPD folks idolize people. They are sharp, witty, hilarious, and can teach you anything. They graduated their Honours BA with distinction, always made the dean’s list, etc. They once learned how to crochet just to teach me- and we are opposite-handed! My family was initially homophobic about our relationship, but since then, we are all close and have no strife with one another. I just want to paint the picture that we are generally happy and when things are good, I can’t believe how lucky I am.

However, my partner can also be cold and their mood will shift on a dime. They will argue their way out of anything, especially if they are told they did something wrong; they are always convinced they are just and right and completely disregard my feelings on some matters. I also noticed that one little thing can ruin their entire day, but bringing this up gets me called “dramatic”. They always deny their mood and tone by saying they are just tired. Certain things also didn’t make sense to me for a long time, like how if they have to go into a grocery store, they are usually in a rage by the end of it and take it out on me (passive aggressiveness, snappy remarks, shutting down basic conversation, etc), which really sucks. It never seemed to get better, only worse. They also are incredibly reluctant to make phone calls, set up appointments for themselves, or seek medical attention until it reaches a point where they want me involved. They’ve never had a family doctor due to the abuse and neglect they faced as a child, and, of course, the one that they eventually did get for themselves did not listen to them, and now they do not want to go back.

After I got my diagnosis, it seemed like we had all the answers and I WAS just being dramatic most of the time. I got on a medication cocktail that is expensive but effective, and saw a therapist for over a year, as well as all of the self-reflection and work my degree afforded me (Social Work). I am honestly quite satisfied with who I am at this point, and I feel like my anger issues are basically in check. I’m not perfect, and I still Split from time to time, but the only thing that can dysregulate me on a deep and terrible level is my partner.

After 15 years of the pattern our fights usually go: One of us will say something or say it in a way that feels uncomfortable to the other. The other will react in kind. I will try to explain my feelings, and they will intellectualize everything and invalidate my feelings. This triggers deep-seated trauma in me and often I will snap back, sometimes with swearing and a raised voice. At that point, the figurative gloves are off because I should have been more “reasonable” with my tone despite the fact that this is usually my initial complaint. We will both begin digging up receipts. My language skills go down the toilet, and it’s like my partner’s increases, which makes me angrier- it makes me feel stupid. At this point they might be yelling and swearing too, but they generally have better control over themself than I do. My partner cuts off conversation, and will usually hide in their room for an undetermined amount of time. I will usually give them time before trying to further explain myself and apologize for my behaviour, and at this point, they are usually cold and uninterested in what I have to say, which further triggers me. We can go three days without speaking and our entire lives fall apart in the meantime. Usually when I reach out to them they act like the ball is in my court, which infuriates me further, as they are always the first one to storm out and leave. At this point, I feel completely abandoned and usually present to them that I don’t feel like my needs are being met in our relationship and it’s making me question things. This further traumatizes us both, and I hate it. I understand this is all from my side, but after having the same fight over a thousand times, combined with my professional knowledge and self-work, I know I’m not as f—ing crazy as we thought I was. I have my moments. But the vast majority of my life is pretty awesome.

Recently, they have realized they are autistic. I don’t want to go into details, but they would be the easiest diagnosis that anyone would ever get on their caseload. Everything listed above made sense now. They also agreed that their mood swings were from overwhelm and frustration and called them autistic meltdowns. This was about 2 weeks ago, maybe.

This last week I’ve dodged about 4 or 5 meltdowns with careful responses and we’ve had 1 major fight where at its worst I reached the point where I said horrible things like “if you don’t care about my stuff, I don’t care about yours”, said I felt like I should start drinking, I yelled, I swore and said that I didn’t know if I could stay in a relationship with them. And whenever this happens, they always get super intellectual and dispassionate and just tell me to do what I need to do. It feels like they don’t even care. I know this is because they are overwhelmed and in their head but I feel so done whenever this happens, and it’s happening many times a week at this point. I feel like I always have to be prepared to take care of them through a meltdown and completely disregard how sh–ty they make me feel in the moment. Arguing with them is also like arguing with a lawyer; they will send an 800 word response to my gibberish about how nothing I say holds water because of x y z on so and so dates and times; it doesn’t help my feelings about it, though. They don’t seem to understand that feelings are important too, not just being right. It’s like we are always having two different discussions and I feel like I almost NEVER get them to see my side. It usually ends with me begging their forgiveness because of my explosive behaviour, and more often than not, they are off the hook for what they did because I feel so guilty at that point that I don’t even care about my personal boundaries anymore.

We slowly made up, but neither of us have been near our baselines for the last two weeks. We are both aware that our fights are getting more toxic about increasingly stupid things. We actually landed in another tiff today after they thought I snapped at them (after grocery shopping, no less) in the parking lot when I KNOW I had a smile on my face at the time. I tried to challenge this, and they shut down. We were silent on our way back home, and I wordlessly went to sleep for the last hour before my shift. They texted me goodbye after I left. I asked if there was anything I should have done differently and they said they didn’t want to talk about it because they always get ‘pushback’ (which is what they label any sort of challenge I give them, including if it is just conversational). I’ve since canceled plans we had this weekend and told them that I needed some me time. I am at the end of my rope and have other things than their mental health to worry about in my life and my work is starting to suffer for it. I know it may not sound major but the conditioned response we have to each other is freakish.

I don’t know what to do at this point. These dark moments are more and more as we go on. My mind immediately goes to leaving them over the slightest infractions at this point. They went to a therapist ‘for me’. They went on meds ‘for me’ and are quitting both because it’s done nothing for them. I can’t keep pushing them to help themselves, especially when I have myself to worry about. I feel both less and more crazy now. I feel like a caretaker or that I am at work 24/7. They want me to find a doctor for them, but almost none are accepting patients in our city, and to make matters worse, we are moving provinces in about 6 months so finding a diagnosis before then is nigh impossible. We already sleep in separate rooms, we have no sex life, and we hardly do anything together but watch TV and streams. A lot of our hobbies are off limits for each other now too because of past fights and how we enjoy them completely differently (ie, if we both start a video game and I don’t keep up with them, they get depressed). I feel like part of me is dying. I also don’t know if it’s just my BPD talking and I’m being a sh–ty partner right now. I really just Don’t Know anymore. Our relationship feels like brainfog.

I realize this is really more for a marital counsellor or family therapist, but that’s what my year in therapy was for- how to be a better partner, how to control my anger, etc. I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve worked so hard on myself to be a better partner and I feel like they can’t meet me halfway as much as they want to. I feel guilty for wanting to leave them, because 90% of the time, I don’t. I guess I’m mostly just hoping that someone else out there has been through something similar and come out stronger and still together. I’ve spent half my life with this person, and while I don’t believe in the sunken cost fallacy, I’m worried sometimes that it and the comfort are all that’s keeping me around; and the comfort is slowly leaving. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had the same fight for years and I don’t know if our mental health is compatible anymore