Men in 40s-50s, what is ‘normal’ sexual response, erections, sex drive in these years?

14 comments

1. You might also try /r/AskMenOver30

2. I can’t speak to whether or not this type of response is “normal”. What I can say with certainty is that (unless you have serious health problems) this sort of response is to be expected.

   Most of us go through life taking our physical and mental health and functions for granted.

   If I had to venture a guess, I might think this is what has happened with you. You didn’t ever think that things would change; but they have. Your body is not responding in ways that you are used to.

   So what do you do? Change your expectations. Don’t expect the same levels of excitement you’ve experienced when you were younger. Pay attention to your mental/emotional health.

   What happens to us is interesting, what we do about it is important, how we “feel” about it is vital.

   Address how you “feel” about what is happening. Do it productively; don’t blame yourself, be more mindful of your overall well-being, express concern for the well-being of others and practice gratitude.

   I put the word feel in quotes because I believe that “feelings” are really nothing more than thoughts we have in response to chemical reactions that occur in our bodies.

   Consider the thoughts you have about the reactions your body is having from time to time. Let’s take an example: you don’t develop an erection by looking at a picture of a woman in a provocative pose. The unproductive thing to do in this instance would be to berate yourself for growing old and less able. The productive thing to do would be to consider other reasons for your changed response. Perhaps you’ve looked at many similar pictures, to the point that you’ve become desensitized to them. Our biology is structured in a way that prevents us from experiencing the same level of chemical response to a previously experienced event. Our mental constructs add to this phenomenon.

   That’s the “bad” news, in this case. The good news is that you can regain that same earlier level of response. The “one weird thing” that most of us don’t realize about our thinking process is that thinking and feeling can follow a circular path.

   Abstention can help you in regaining the novelty that triggered your earlier responses. Don’t look at the pictures so much and you regain your sensitivity.

   Don’t let your daily worries interfere with your enjoyment of the moment, and the discrete moments become so much more enjoyable (or less troublesome at least).

   Change what you think about the circumstances and you can change your chemical reactions. Some even say that you can trigger the desirable chemical reactions and prevent the undesirable chemical reactions from occuring. Look up a guy named Wim Hof for extreme examples of controlling autonomous functions.

   So, looking at the attractive lady in the picture once again, don’t expect an erection. Don’t worry about getting an erection. Don’t let your conscious mind nag you about getting an erection. Don’t let your identity as a worthy human being suffer because you don’t get an erection. If you are developing spontaneous erections during your sleep you are capable of developing erections at other times.

   Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, practice gratitude and the sweet juice of life will begin to flow once more.

   I know it all sounds weird and new-agey. I can only say that it has worked for many people I know. People of a certain age, like you and I.

3. I’m fifty, and I would suggest one thing is at play that you didn’t mention: you have experience.

   When you are younger, having sex is new experience and the women you typically connect with are, generally speaking, visually more attractive, Once you reach fifty, there is a degree of “been there, done that” which affects us. So, physically, you may be fine – it is just the life experience which causes the thrill to lessen.

4. Sounds pretty normal to me. Being tired is a killer, but is also normal.

   > My main doctor is a woman and has not expressed any concern over my low-T. I haven’t discussed all this sexual stuff with her because it’s very new. I’ll probably need 3 months to get any kind of doctor appointment for this.

   Three months? Get an appointment with someone else. Your new SO may take equipment failures as a problem with *her* during that timeframe. Perhaps a nurse practitioner? Different doctor?

5. You pretty much described my issues at nearly 47 and while I am overweight I’m in better shape than I was in 5 years ago but have half the libido. The thing is, I can get hard and stay hard without issue for a long time if I’m masturbating but when it comes to actual sex changing positions often now makes me lose my erection. My BP is damn near perfect and everything else is under control but I just saw a doctor last week for these specific issues and his answer was Viagra which is great but too costly for my current insurance coverage.

6. > My testosterone is on the lower end (300), but given potential side-effects of TRT and the fact that in general sex is good, I’m wondering if this is just normal stuff to deal with for an older guy or if I need to see endocrinologist.
   My main doctor is a woman and has not expressed any concern over my low-T. I haven’t discussed all this sexual stuff with her because it’s very new. I’ll probably need 3 months to get any kind of doctor appointment for this.

   I’ll tell you what is not normal for a baseline. I am 46. 5’11” pushing 290lb. So short old fat, also diabetic, and have apnea and low T. Diagnosed apena in 2000, low T in 2005 and “pre” diabetes in 2007. Been fighting ED since probably 2007. Been married since 2000. My T when not medicated is 240’s range. Dr thinks it was likley low most of my life. I have tried a slew of T drugs and am currently on my favorite so far, Androderm. The side effects on Testosterone replacement therapy are no joke. While on others I have had hot flashing, rage issues, severe edema in my feet and legs, heart palpitations and arrhythmia, headaches that make me want to scream. For me the biggest issues were rage and swelling. Did T therapy help sex drive, yep.

   Anyhow you asked about sex frequency, with the issues I have we went from 3 -8 times a month to virtually none over the past year. So even when medicated and good to go on a steady basis, its still not often mostly due to ED issues having broken things down. We are working on it tho.

   The minor issues you sound like you have with getting an erection, I’d suggest some Cialis, maybe the low daily dose (5mg) or even less. Viagra is good for a near immediate reaction and within 8 hour use. Cialis hangs around in your system, some claim as much as 36 hours. My medical plan wont pay for the daily dose for ED, but I am able to get 6 of the 20MG pills a month (for $87 out of pocket) and I do know how to use a pill cutter.

   So it sounds to me like you are doing pretty damn good.

7. I always recommend cutting out porn. If your brain is overcharged often that’s what can create the disconnect. And stop masturbation. That will increase sensitivity and desire. You may very well get back to your old self 🙂

8. I think it’s completely individual. I have no erection issues in my late 50s and am overweight, like most Americans. My libido is not what it was, although some of that is my partners reduced interest post menopause. Its basically a function of blood flow and testosterone at the end of the day, with a possible influence from psychological issues, i.e. Performance Anxiety etc.

9. It’s most likely to do with your lowered T-levels. 300 is definitely on the low side. I too experienced the same things (lowered sex drive, inconsistent erectile strength, etc.), and it was because of low-T. And yes, it can be normal, as the average man loses 2-3% of his testosterone per year after age 30.

   There are a lot of dietary and supplement factors that can help boost T levels naturally without resorting to TRT, including things like nitric oxide, vitamin D, switching to a plant-based diet, etc. Check out http://www.peaktestosterone.com, there’s a lot of stuff there you can sift through to try before looking at TRT.

10. I’m approaching 50 as well and divorced 4 years ago. My ex was also part of the once-a-month group. I have a new fiance and she is MUCH more active, every day would be good for her. I have found that I don’t really have a problem with getting an erection, but sensitivity is diminished and sometimes I don’t finish. I find I can usually do 1x/day for about 3 days, then I need a break. There are times when I make sure she finishes, accept that I won’t and enjoy the time with her.

    My T is also in the 300 range, but I don’t think that is an issue. I do go to the gym 3x/week and that helps a lot. For me taking Zinc increases the “output” and makes me hornier. I have also tried using a product called “man oil” which is a cream that restores sensitivity, it does seem to help, when I use it regularly I am more sensitive.

    My recommendation is to analyze your masturbation. Are you very rough? Fast? Have a death grip?, etc.. and modify your routine to more closely mimc the real thing. Also back off on the porn and focus on your GF.

    As we age, our bodies change and you have to modify expectations to go along with it. If you have trouble getting up, she will understand. For her, you can always use your tongue or toys. I like just rolling around naked and kissing. Its all about intimacy.

11. At 49 I am in the same boat as you. My GF would like daily which means she is always up to it whenever I am. Most weeks we get together 2 times and sometimes 4. I am like another poster if i have a few consectative days then I need a break. My T fluctuates in the 300-400 range. One thing my endo pointed out is when T goes up my estrodial goes up thanks to my belly fat. I am trying to lose weight but it is not so easy at 49. Thanks to an online Canadian pharmacy I get 5mg generic Cialis very cheap. No side effects and always ready when she initiates. At the end of the day it could be worse.

12. This variels a lot between individuals but these are all factors:

    1. If you are more healthy, you will have fewer problems.
    2. If you have high blood pressure, you might have plumbing problems.
    3. If you are overweight, you might have high blood pressure problems.
    4. With more stress you might have ED problems.

    But as a man ages, his hormones, and desire go down. That’s just normal.

13. I’m 46. Same shit. /u/HarryPeckerCrabbe sums it up well. To be honest I’m ok with it because I hated the unrelenting effect testosterone had on my interaction with women. It was always filtered through the haze of sexual desire. Now? Everyone is the same. I interact with them on an even footing. It’s a relief.

14. 53. Horny all the time. Crazy GF and FWB keep me sane.