I have a female friend whose behavior I find very confusing. We get along wonderfully. We can talk for hours. We’re constantly joking and laughing, almost to point of exhaustion. And it could be my imagination, but it always feels like there’s a big emotional/sexual elephant in the room. And it seems to me she’s always fishing for me to acknowledge that I’m interested in her beyond just friendship.
I think I am interested in her. But there are a few reasons why I don’t come out and say it. One, I’m just starting to get my legs under me after a long and painful marriage to an abusive person. So, I’m rather gun-shy. Two, this woman is quite a bit younger than I am. And that’s sort of awkward socially for both of us. Finally, she has told me on a few occasions that I’m not her type. Specifically, during conversations about her dating experiences, she’ll tell me that she wants someone tall and “no offense, I’m not into short guys.” I’m short and I have no problem with that. A lot of women feel this way (especially American women) and I’m used to it. It is a little ironic, considering she is quite short even for a woman. But, whatever. People have their preferences. Pass and move on.
And I would be happy to place her comfortably in the friend zone. However, it really feels like she’s resisting my feeble efforts. In numerous ways, she acts as if she’s romantically interested in me. Here are some examples:
* Texting all the time and hanging out often
* Compliments me all the time (I reciprocate because I have no willpower)
* Tells me I’m handsome (I’m more circumspect with phrases like “you look pretty in that photo”)
* Seems to be escalating physical contact (more and more hand touching & extended hugs goodnight)
* Only shares bad dating experiences and always finds ways to contrast the men’s flaws with what she says are my strengths.
* Acts jealous when I mention other women.
* Protests emphatically if I joke about adopting her since she’s so much younger. Says she definitely doesn’t see me as a father figure. (Yes, I am trying to gauge her feelings about our age difference with this joke.)
There’s more, but the list would be long. Suffice it to say, mixed signals abound. And I wouldn’t even think much of her ‘not my type’ comments, but she also brings up my type quite often. Once she asked me what my type was. I told her I didn’t have a type and that women can be attractive in many ways. In a jealous tone, she said “But your exes were very beautiful. So, your type is obviously beautiful.” She has seen photos of them. I was married twice. The first was very loving and sweet, but we got married way too young. The second was, let’s say, not so sweet. But she’s right. Both of my exes were/are remarkably beautiful women. And, duh! Isn’t everyone attracted to beauty? Beautiful isn’t really a type. Nonetheless, virtually every time we’ve had a few drinks, she’ll bring up this subject with that same jealous tone. Yet, another thing I’m not sure how to interpret.
Anyhow, before this gets far too long, I’ll ask my questions:
* What am I to make of all this?
* What does she want from me?
* Why would she tell me on the one hand that I’m not her type and then send me completely opposite signals on the other?
Yes, I should probably just come out and ask her. But I’m not in a solid place right now. I really don’t want to subject myself to rejection at this moment in my life.
Thanks in advance!
TL;DR – Female friend tells me “You’re not my type” but acts like she’s interested in me romantically.
9 comments
Coming out of a long term relationship is hard.
Definitely feel for you.
Space. Space makes all things understandable.
With-drawling for the benefit of your peace, will give you the ability to look at this situation from the outside.
If you behave differently, so will she.
You will also have time to reflect understanding if the noise in your head is just your emotions and not her reality.
Be busy somewhere else in life for a little to breath.
She’s not sending you mixed signals at all. Most women decide in the first 2 minutes if you’re “her type” and possibly someone she might want to be intimate with. I think you’re mistaking her kindness and complementary persona for something you would like to see from her.
You have a good female friend but you are friend zoned.
Maybe just ask her out for coffee or something? Then you’ll have your answer.
Maybe you can do a little online dating so you feel more comfortable and confident as you’re meeting new women. I look at online dating as practice dating and it only takes a short while to get used to it.
Like some of the women here I always thought that I immediately knew whether or not a guy was attractive as a dating partner or in the friend zone. That was up until I met the man who I think of as the love of my life.
I’ve had a group of friends who usually come by my house every Sunday to play games, watch football or have a cookout. People just show up and hang out for as long as they want. There are males and females, some are couples and some not and often they bring a friend.
There was one guy who started coming as a friend of one of the regulars and I didn’t think anything about him as a date or a friend. He was always nice to talk to and fit in well with everyone and often brought beer. So we went on like that for a year until I noticed that I always looked forward to seeing him and when he didn’t show up I missed him. It hit me completely out of the blue. BTW, all the dudes I ever dated were tall. I’m 5’7″ and this guy was 5’2″.
We lived together for 2 years and almost got married. But he accepted a promotion to Washington, DC and I cannot leave California. My ex ruined following some man around the country for me when he cheated.
I feel like she’s being fairly straightforward. She told you you’re not her type. She said she likes tall guys, and you’re short. While you’re not old enough to adopt her, you are perhaps too old to be someone she’d like to be with romantically.
My advice is to stop looking for signs and deciphering “mixed signals.” Look for someone whose words and actions are congruent.
I had a guy friend who did this to me. We started out as friends years earlier, there was an attraction on my end but I saw it was not reciprocated, so I tabled it, but we remained good friends. Cut to a few years later and we entered into this weird stage of friendship that felt like a relationship in everything but name (and no sex.) He actually would even tell me, “You’re the perfect girlfriend, I don’t know why guys wouldn’t want to date you, but *I* don’t think of you that way.” The dude was over my house every day, we were texting 24/7, going out all sorts of places, long phone calls every night, he took me to doctors appointments, helped me with my pets, became friends with my family, but he “wasn’t interested.”
This was super confusing, but I took him at his word and moved on. When I got a bf, shit hit the fan. He was constantly arguing w me that I was with “the wrong guy,” and the way he moped around at the bars getting drunk every night you would have thought I DUMPED him. The friendship ended in an explosive fight between the two of us.
I think one of two things was happening:
1. He wanted the safety of someone who felt like a relationship to substitute for the fact he couldn’t find one (though neither of us was looking too hard when we had that really close year), and so by keeping me friendzoned he got his emotional needs met
2. I actually *wasn’t* his type, or the type of woman he wanted to be attracted to, but nevertheless, he somehow ended up attracted to me and, because I wasn’t his ideal type or was ashamed of his attraction, he had to deny those feelings and keep it platonic.
You may be picking up on one of these two scenarios. It seems people do them often. She does not sound like she is being just platonic to me, but I don’t know her motives beyond that point. It seems like she brings it up too often and the questions she asks are too freighted.
You’re the one seeing all this behavior in action, of course, but from the way you’re describing it, those signals aren’t as mixed as you may wish they were. She sounds like she sees you as a close, affectionate friend.
Even if it is a mixed signal, anything mixed with a no is still a no. There’s nothing to act on here. Enjoy the friendship and look for other people to date.
At 32 and 47, I don’t think the age difference is that big a deal? that being said, I am always wary of people who neg — “you’re just not my type. I like tall men & you’re short.” that’s pretty shitty to say to anyone. I don’t go around telling my platonic male friends one word about their physicality, because we are platonic & it doesn’t matter? If you don’t like me, who the hell cares if I’m you’re type, know what I mean? If you’re not in a place where you feel you can tell her to cut the crap and ask her out, perhaps distance yourself a little? I find people who send mixed signals to be wearing (and also, to paraphrase Dan Savage, if someone is sending you mixed signals, believe the worst one to be true). Sorry about your relationship and I hope you feel better soon.
If she says you’re not her type, that means she is not interested in you. Period. Take her at her word. A woman wouldn’t say that if she was interested in you.
Instead of looking for signals that she’s misleading you for no reason, date someone who is openly interested in you. If the lines are too blurry here for you to continue your friendship with this girl, then distance yourself. You can even tell her that you’re developing feelings and if she isn’t, you think it’s best to take space.