Over the years it seems the subtle annoyances that I have with his entire essence has built up a resentment for him that’s very hard to explain. The way he operates has tinkered with and tugged at my brain to the point that everything he does gets under my skin. An example of this would be a little whistling pattern he does before he talks to a customer. Anyone but me would think nothing of it, but for some reason it irks me beyond comprehension. It sounds mean, but I’m tired of hearing him talk. It’s dreadful and exhausting. His words and ideas are a broken record. He says the same things every day in the same way. The same jokes in response to the same stimulus. This specific input = that specific output, every time. Everything’s predictable (at least to me.. I’m not sure if my sisters or anyone else even picks up on what I pick up on). There’s nothing novel about a conversation with him. I know how he thinks and I know he’s set in his ways, so his ideas don’t interest me anymore. I’ve read that people tend to get like that after having been alcoholics for many years (which he was), so maybe that’s it. I don’t generally don’t get angry or overly upset about things unless it involves him, so that leads me to believe that my mental health and overall peace of mind may stand to benefit in his absence.
My sister (24) seems to be developing a similar feeling toward him, as recently there’s been a couple of breakdowns and shouting matches between them. I try not to get involved in those types of things, but the way he handled a certain issue got to me enough that I yelled back at him the other day. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but it seems like a slippery slope. I know he means well and he’s a solid person otherwise, but when it comes to heart to heart human relations, or even just listening when someone needs to be listened to, he’s insufferable.
My sister and I are currently in the first year of working with him on a startup (independent mortgage brokerage). I knew I would be getting involved in a difficult venture, but with the morale of the family being so low due to the precariousness of the relationship we have with him, it’s starting to seem like the business isn’t worth pursuing. I’m thinking about going to college away from home to get away from it all, but I’m hesitant to take that leap knowing I would be leaving behind the opportunity to grow a family business that offers the prospect of making good money in the future. I studied to the point of getting a 1450 on the SAT with a 4.0 GPA to give myself options if I decided to go to college. I was planning on dedicating time to the business for a couple years to see where it goes and then consider university from there, but now I’m second guessing things. The tensions that come as a result of barely having made any money to get by with only one loan closing so far raises tensions even more. Perhaps this annoyance I have for him is beyond fixing, and even if it wasn’t, I don’t know if I would want to even try to fix it when the option of separating myself from him seems just as viable. I don’t want to have a bad relationship as a result of distancing myself from him, but the ways things are now is exhausting. I’m not sure if it’s worth attempting to talk things through and hang with the business or if I’d be better off quietly getting things in place to move out and start something new. I feel like I’d be missing out on something valuable either way.
TL;DR My dad pisses me off and I don’t know why
2 comments
My dad is similarly rigid. Moving away was the best thing for our relationship. Not everyone should be in business with family.
>I don’t want to have a bad relationship as a result of distancing myself from him, but the ways things are now is exhausting
Would you rather have a bad relationship from spending too much time too close to him?
It sounds like there is a background of emotional negligence and not listening to you and everything has sort of snowballed into something bigger where both you and your sister are very tired.
I think the best thing for you would be to get out of that house and you go live someplace else. You are at the exact age where you start to feel those feelings where you need to break out and go free and spread your own wings. You can do those things. You don’t have to take out a student loan and go to school in order to do that.
I would be cautious about going to school unless you know exactly what you are going to do and that thing requires the degree. Right now there are a lot of people who are graduating from college with terrific degrees and we’ll end up working at McDonald’s with a terrible student loan. Don’t be one of them.
I don’t have any advice for you regarding the family business, you are absolutely correct that this will be a long-term thing and you need to have a good relationship with your father. Creating a business with family makes everything even more complicated and even more tiring because now you will be hearing his voice even more than before, and you will have to, in order to do business. It sounds to me like this might not be a good idea for you at this time, because you are so tired out of your father.
When you and your sister are ready and have had some space from your father, there is a good book for you called adult children of emotionally immature parents and I think this would be the healing path for both of you.