tl;Dr: bad grades, bad relationship with my parents and bad relationship between parents
So…i am a 17 year old guy and my relationship with my parents and siblings is very bad
I used to be academically bright..but after COVID lockdown i was not the same…but i was studying okayish even during lockdown…once i entered 11th grade..it was online classes and i hardly understood these new teachers and my attention span became way worse..i couldn’t even concentrate for 5-10 mins continuously…i was easily distracted…and i have anxiety issuesi was very good at math…i believe it was becuz my basics during 10th grade was strong..so math wasn’t a problem…but i started failing in chemistry…average in physics i am now a very poor student…
So..my sibling, my sister 27 years old went thru my browsing history and discovered nfsw content and she started judging me based on that…she immediately showed that to my mom(47) and they both scolded me…they would constantly, regularly go thru my chats with anyone i have texted..
And lately i am feeling too bad about myself i think there hasn’t been a single day i didn’t cry for the past 2 months..atleast for 5 days in a week…i am not sure if this is depression I’m going thru…and they are talkin shit like crazy…i know they are talking like this for my own good but…due to my low attention span i wasn’t able to understand like 50-60% of what’s taught in class…school usually begins by 7:30 am and ends by 8pm…during Sundays..it usually begins by 8am and ends by 6pm i don’t get to have any holidays.. except if there were any government holidays
My parents wasted a lot of money on my education(around $4,844.39)for these 2 years(usual school+coaching for competitive exams)
I wish I never even existed…i feel like a total useless shit…i couldn’t control my tears even while typing this whole thing out
My father has been cheating on my mother for the past 30 years and we only discovered it recently…
My father never Really cared about anything…that money they spent on my for these two years is not a big deal for him…but that’s no excuse for me being a worthless piece of fucking shit…
My sister would judge me with her look ….everytime i see her eyes i would just want to cry….
She would constantly yell “he couldn’t even travel to nearby town by himself in a bus how will he even get a job” she would constantly remind me how much of an incompetent person i am…i don’t have any friends (those who ACTUALLY care about me and help me out)I’m just a loser…a practical loser..
My mother is the only person who i believe actually care about me…she went thru a lot..she would often say that shes only alive to raise us and here i am…
She always knew my father was cheating on her..
I don’t think my father ever cared about me at all…but deep down he does maybe…
I am not like..failing right now…i think i may get around 70% in my finally high school exam but i could have done that without all these coaching classess…i feel like i would have done better than this in high school exams…but the coaching classes are for competitive exams..and it cost too much..and i got way way worse ranks…
My sister is saying i should have told them before itself that i won’t be able to get good ranks in competitive exams(for what they paid so much money)
I don’t expect to get any good college…i feel ashamed..
I may have OCD and i have anxiety issues..i have to visit a therapist after exams are over..
My both math teachers..the one I had in school and the guy in coaching classes…but told me that I have great potential and intelligence but I am not using it properly to get good grades..
I just..don’t know where to talk about all this…so yeah…
3 comments
Sounds like you have a very dysfunctional and cruel family along with some mental health issues that they’re making worse by talking smack instead of helping you work through it/get professional help.
It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, but don’t give up hope just yet.
When you are having mental health problems like you are, it can really cause dysfunction in a lot of ways.
Your mom and sister are being very cruel. And they can say they are doing it for your own good, but their methods are further adding to your mental health problems and making everything WAY worse. It’s adding to your depression, your anxiety, and your low self confidence, which is at the root of all of this.
It’s great that you are going to be seeing a therapist. Be very open with them. Don’t try to shield your family members from any judgement. Do the work that the therapist suggests, and don’t be afraid if you have to go on anti-depressants or something. They can help you to stabilize your emotions while you focus on improving your living situation.
For a while, it sounds like your family was a source of positivity in your life, and I’m sorry that this has changed. But now, they are becoming obstacles that you will need to rise above. You need to start to seek self-validation, and make your own road map to having a life that makes you happy.
Make some short, medium, and long-term goals for yourself. Make them realistic, and make them about all sorts of stuff. Then, make an action plan to start working toward them. One of your medium term goals should be to find a way to move out of your family’s house, whether that’s for school, or by finding a job and saving up until you can get out of there. Distance from your family will take a lot of weight off of you, and allow you the room to find yourself again and start feeling more like your old self.
Try and also find things to be proud of about yourself. From the post, you seem very hard-working and dedicated, good intelligence (even if it’s not translating to marks) and I’m sure you have lots of desirable personality traits and skills that are commendable. A lot of times as kids we get pride from being praised for these things by others, but when you are in a dysfunctional home you sometimes have to just be proud of yourself and let your confidence grow from inside of yourself.
Being bad in school isn’t the end of the world (and you’re not even that bad). Only getting into crappy colleges isn’t the end of the world. You can still do both of those things (or even not go to college at all) and live a great and happy life. Your route to adulthood may not be exactly the one you thought it would be a few years ago, but you have the capacity within you to get there and be a very happy person. It will involve stopping caring what your family members think and taking command of your own life, but you will get there.